


quitting saccharine cigarettes

by iridesense



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Ambiguous Relationships, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends With Benefits, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, Pining, Possibly Unrequited Love, Strangers to Lovers, dojae endgame i promise, i said it doesn't exist, no homophobia in this fic, sort of non-linear...
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-08-15
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:46:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 56,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24706306
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iridesense/pseuds/iridesense
Summary: “I don't get what you like about him so much,” Jaehyun says around his lollipop.Doyoung sighs. “You wouldn't understand,” he says, watching Taeyong walk away with Johnny. “What's with the sudden fascination in candy?”Jaehyun grins. “You said you don't like the taste of ash in your mouth.”(doyoung has been in love with taeyong for almost a decade, but taeyong is dating johnny, and jaehyun - well, jaehyun is doyoung's “boyfriend”.)
Relationships: Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 374
Kudos: 1722





	1. i have a selfish desire for someone to hurt besides me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhhh i was inspired by scum's wish (jdrama) but ended up watching when the weather is fine (kdrama) ★◡★ so idk anyways here's my baby
> 
> warning: hyung is used _very_ loosely because i'm an idiot
> 
> [i made a playlist !!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4M6s2YryEbMxxtBcvsZeLN?si=sG2KgeViS8qgE5LwvltBNA) click for the feels~

It’s still a hard pill to swallow when Doyoung has to see this everyday. Even when he has accepted that this will never be his, this will never be them, it doesn’t make it hurt any less every time he sees Taeyong kiss Johnny.

They exchange gentle hellos with a peck and then Johnny covers Taeyong’s face with a series of soft kisses.

“See you later, Doyoung,” Taeyong waves at him.

Doyoung nods and sends them off with a small smile. The look on his face must be so obvious because next to him, the comments begin.

“I don't get what you like about him so much,” Jaehyun says around his lollipop.

Doyoung sighs. “You wouldn't understand,” he says, watching Taeyong walk away with Johnny. A person like Jaehyun wouldn’t understand a love like this. A one-sided love. He clicks his tongue, turning to him. “What's with the sudden fascination in candy?”

Jaehyun grins. “You said you don't like the taste of ash in your mouth.” Then, like an absolute deviant, he pulls the candy out with pop, swooping close to Doyoung’s ear. Warm air slides along the tip as he whispers, “Don’t you want to find out what it tastes like now?”

It’s so easy to have this. When Jaehyun pulls back and Doyoung closes the distance, it’s so easy. Doyoung knows, this is the coward’s way out. 

_Mango. It tastes like mango._

But it feels good to fool himself—to kiss Jaehyun and feel like for a second, he can have someone and someone has him.

Doyoung lives a rather normal boring life. That’s what he’s always thought. But when Jaehyun walked into his life, somehow by simple coincidence, he entered a twisted game built off of a lie.

And he realizes, his life has never been simple at all.

Doyoung has been avoiding going out with Taeyong for a while.

“I don’t think I can go... I’m kind of busy.”

Taeyong pouts. It’s horrible because Doyoung knows this pout is the one where Taeyong looks joking but is actually a bit upset.

“Busy with what? You already study too much. You don’t have anything else that I know about.”

He’s right.

Taeyong knows just about everything about him. From Doyoung’s horrible overwhelming study habits to how much he hates trends but follows them anyway, there isn’t anything Taeyong doesn’t know. And there aren't any other friends Doyoung likes to hang out with either. He’s worried Taeyong might just see through his lies.

“I’m just busy. I have other events in my calendar.” 

Lie. It’s just full of chapters he doesn’t actually read and films he wants to fall asleep to.

Taeyong’s pout deepens, eyes round like a teddy bear. “Don’t you think you could get some sunlight?”

But Doyoung can’t bear it anymore. He can see Johnny moving stuff from his backseat right now to his trunk and inside him, frustration wells up. He can’t do this again.

Hanging out with the couple means that Doyoung has to sit in the backseat of Johnny’s car while Johnny plays from a curated playlist of _their soundtrack_. Then, he’ll have to stand behind them when they’re in line or sitting at the same table, watching Johnny flirt without filter and give Taeyong small compliments that make Taeyong flush, making him shy and beautiful.

Doyoung can’t sit there pretending he’s fine, pretending he hasn’t liked Taeyong longer, pretending that he isn’t mad that it isn’t him.

“What sunlight? It’s not like we’re staying outside,” he mutters. 

If he annoys Taeyong a little bit more, maybe he’ll back off and just let Doyoung stomp back to their apartment.

“Doyoung...” Taeyong sighs, fidgeting with his backpack strap. He glances away, biting down on his lip. That has always been his nervous habit. “I just want us to get along...”

Nausea climbs up his throat. Doyoung fears what comes next may be the conversation he has been avoiding. 

And that is when _he_ comes along.

“Hey, did you wait long?”

Doyoung turns to the voice, and coming to a stop in front of him is Jung Jaehyun.

It’s only his second time seeing him, the popular visual of the medical department. Looking just as handsome as the first time Doyoung saw him, he smiles and lies so confidently.

“We’re going to a really fun place I’m sure you’ll like,” and as if it isn’t baffling enough, Jaehyun tacks to the lie, “—boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend?” Taeyong’s eyes snap to him, pupils expanding even more than their already big, round state. He squeaks in confusion, “Doyoung?”

“Uhm...”

“Not yet,” Jaehyun’s smile widens into a cheshire grins and looks towards him, “but hopefully soon.”

Taeyong is baffled. “Is this why you kept saying you had other things to do? Because you were going on dates with Jaehyun?”

“It’s actually our _first date,_ ” Jaehyun pops the syllables out joyfully, “but I’ve taken up his time before.” His eyes curve into crescents with devilish ease like he’s having so much fun.

Now wait, Doyoung hasn’t even decided on anything yet.

“We should get going now or else—” Johnny bounds up to them, “Oh hey, Jaehyun. Going home?”

Doyoung’s eyes flicker between the three, slowly coming to the realization that _he’s_ the odd one out. The three of them already know each other and, fuck, if Doyoung didn’t want to weasel out of being a third-wheel, his jaw would be on the floor. But he’s stubborn and if he insists on seeing this lie through, he’ll just have to keep his freak-out to a minimum.

“We’re going on a date,” Doyoung lies through his teeth.

Johnny’s eyes flicker between the two of them with confusion, then clarity. “Ohhh. Already, Jaehyun?”

Whatever Johnny meant, it must be funny because Jaehyun chuckles at it.

“You guys know each other?” Doyoung swivels between the two men.

They both nod. 

“We’re friends from high school,” Jaehyun says. 

Johnny laughs and prods the air in front of him, “We’re best buddies! What are you talking about, man. I’m hurt.”

“I can’t believe you kept this from me, Doyoung.” Taeyong looks at him still with a jutted lower lip, shock on his face. “You were really excited to watch this movie too. Why don’t we go together? Double date?” His eyes are practically sparkling with hope.

Doyoung angles his eyes next to him, hoping Jaehyun can see him begging. _Please don’t. Please don’t. Please._

Ever the team player, Jaehyun declines. “Nope. Doyoung can see the movie on another day ‘cause I already got the evening planned.”

Johnny shrugs and just looks at Taeyong who is not happy with the situation. 

“Fine,” Taeyong gives as he stomps to the car, “but this conversation isn’t over.” He narrows his eyes at the two of them, standing innocently in the parking lot.

As Doyoung watches the car reverse out, he lets out a heavy sigh.

From beside him, a _“yikes”_ sounds out.

When Doyoung turns, Jaehyun is clicking his tongue. The furrow in Doyoung’s brows deepen as he says, “You know, when I said I was your boyfriend the first time we met, that was just pretend for that _one time._ ”

“So you do remember me,” Jaehyun says, eyes lighting up. “Well, I thought I’d return the favor. It seemed like you were pretty eager to be anywhere else.”

Doyoung frowns. “How did you know?”

Jaehyun’s the same height as him so their eyes meet easily, but it doesn’t feel like they’re on equal ground at all. When Jaehyun looks at him, there’s a keen glint to it. Doyoung feels stared down, transparent.

His dimples pull into a cheeky grin. “I have keen eyes. I saw you from over there,” Jaehyun points behind him to the vast campus arbitrarily. “I could see the way you were looking at them, Taeyong and Johnny.”

Jaehyun’s tone is light and joking but at the same time, Doyoung really hopes he isn’t. Is he so obvious that a person could see his crush on Taeyong with one glance? 

Doyoung throws back, “Don’t tell me that Johnny also has a set of keen eyes.”

To his bemusement, Jaehyun shrugs. Doyoung has no energy for this. It’s insufferable and that’s when Doyoung starts to get the idea that Jaehyun is a little shit who likes riling people up.

Doyoung huffs and rolls his eyes. “You looked so helpless before. I should’ve known you would be just a cocky guy with a pretty face.”

Jaehyun beams under the insult, taking it as a compliment instead. 

Doyoung ignores him entirely, choosing to shuffle through his backpack. He groans when he realizes his bus card isn’t in its usual spot. “I don’t think I even brought my T-Money card. God, I have to go to the ATM.” His plan was to go with Taeyong, and Taeyong is the one usually prepared with cash.

“I could just give you a lift.” Jaehyun raises his arm and with a click, there’s a beep sounding out somewhere in the parking lot.

“Oh,” Doyoung says.

He doesn’t believe it until he sees it but as his shoes drag across the parking lot, following behind Jaehyun in an embarrassed shuffle, they really do end up standing next to a very nice BMW. 

“You have a car?” he asks without thinking. Wait. Jaehyun said he was high school friends with Johnny. It’s no secret that Johnny is more than well off. So, Jaehyun probably went to school in the same wealthy area. College students around the area didn’t really need a car unless they or their parents are splurgers. “Of course, you have a car,” he mutters.

It isn’t until Doyoung is already in the car, buckled in, trying not to fidget about being in a confined area with a stranger, that Doyoung realizes something as Jaehyun heads steadily downtown.

“Wait, I didn’t tell you where I live.”

Jaehyun chuckles in the driver’s seat. “Didn’t I say that I have something planned?”

Well, now that’s not ominous or anything? The goosebumps on Doyoung’s skin rise up with unwilling shivers. His hand unconsciously nears the door handle.

Jaehyun takes one look at his freaked out face and chuckles. “Don’t jump out now. Calm down. It’s nowhere dangerous. Where are you in a hurry to go anyways? You look like the type to hole yourself in the library and study your problems away.”

Low, unintelligible insults erupt from Doyoung’s mouth as he mutters under his breath. He sulks, burying into the seat even more. Jaehyun isn’t wrong. Doyoung probably would be sulking away, staring blankly at his textbook or sniffing at a sad movie by now.

“Don’t you want to have a little fun?” Jaehyun asks, “Don’t you think it’s unfair that Taeyong is out there, cuddling up in a comfy theatre loveseat with Johnny, while you’re gonna sulk at home?”

“What do you know,” Doyoung scowls. He hates that Jaehyun is right—Jaehyun who hasn’t known him for ten minutes, is spilling out Doyoung’s ugliest secret so easily. 

Jaehyun turns into a parking lot before Doyoung can think of another insult.

It turns out that the thing Jaehyun had planned was going to a dog cafe. Jaehyun struck a happy, dumb look at him, asking _never been?_ as if he didn’t already know Doyoung’s answer.

A few minutes later, they’re both seated with two drinks in between them. Doyoung didn’t really want to order anything, but he was pressured when the staff started asking for his order.

He feels a bit out of his depth, sitting there limply, while Jaehyun has successfully blended in with the dogs. He’s very enthusiastic with them, cooing at them, ruffling their furs and giving belly rubs. He looks like he’s in his element.

“You come here a lot?”

Jaehyun rises from his bent position, leaning back in his chair again and grins at Doyoung’s unintentional pick-up line.

“Shut up,” Doyoung tells him while starting to flush.

“I found this place last week,” Jaehyun says, letting a dog hop off his legs and run back to the playpen. He leans onto the table, musing, “I like to pet the dogs and destress. You’re in the medicine department too, right? That makes you my senior.” Jaehyun's head bobs in delight. “You're.. pharmaceutical chemistry? If I remember correctly.”

 _What the hell?_ When did he become a noticeable presence in the medicine department? People were even talking about him now?

Between their melting drinks, Doyoung thinks this is very strange. How did he get into this situation? 

“I appreciate what you did back there, but _this,_ ” Doyoung waves to their surroundings, “isn’t necessary. We could’ve just gone our separate ways.”

The lines between Jaehyun’s brows wrinkle and his lips slant to the side like he doesn’t understand. “I didn’t mean to offend...” he treads carefully. “I just wanted to get to know you better.” He leans back into the chair, brushing a hand through his hair while exhaling.

It’s then that Doyoung realizes Jaehyun is sort of... attractive. Well, that’s an understatement. He’s very aware that Jaehyun is the classic handsome face you’d likely see on television or some shopping mall model. That much is obvious from their first meeting and how the female staff behind the counter were eyeing Jaehyun as he ordered.

But it’s the first time that Doyoung finds himself attracted to Jaehyun. Obviously, if he likes Taeyong, Doyoung undoubtedly has a high standard for faces. And Jaehyun has a very enviable one—that along with other admirable attributes.

Jaehyyun’s hair is weirdly shiny in just dark brown, he has unblemished skin that’s beyond believability, and to top it off, when Jaehyun smiles, his cheeks become round and _dimples_. It’s the kind of face that’s pure and boyish—right up Doyoung’s alley. Not to mention, he’s tall and well-proportioned. It’s kind of unnerving how handsome he is and now he’s just... here.

Doyoung crosses his arms, narrowing his eyes. “Why are you so interested in me? We saw each other, like, once.”

Doyoung could understand if they met in a course or at work, but out of nowhere, Jaehyun was just dropped in front of him. He can’t help but feel a little suspicious.

Jaehyun chuckles a bit defensively. “I don’t think I left that much of a bad impression the first time,” he jokes. “Don’t you ever hang out with people? Just treat it as if we’re friends getting to know each other.”

“No.”

This shocks Jaehyun into silence. “Wow,” he sputters, “I mean at least gi—”

“No, I don’t hang out with people,” Doyoung corrects. It’s a bit embarrassing to say but Doyoung doesn’t mingle with other people much. He likes sticking to things he knows, to people he trusts. And he doesn’t know or trust Jaehyun. “I’m usually at home, school, work, or with Taeyong.”

Jaehyun’s eyes slide down him as if he’s searching for something. It’s unnerving. Why the hell is Jaehyun looking at him like that?

Jaehyun hums, “So it’s just you and him, huh. How long have you known him?”

“Since our last year of middle school. We knew each other for a year and even decided to enroll into the same high school together,” Doyoung says as if to boast.

He’s not one to brag but jealousy rammed its irrational head in and in front of Johnny’s friend, he should put up a front. _Here’s why I’m better,_ he wants to say. The two have been together for a very long time. Since Doyoung had Taeyong, he’s never needed anybody else.

“How long have you known Johnny?” he bounces the question back.

“Just since high school. We have the same group of friends too,” Jaehyun shrugs, “but Johnny and I are closer than the others, I guess.”

Doyoung adjusts in his seat, leaning forward as if it would help his hearing. “So you must know his bad points and good points.”

Jaehyun smirks. “Why do you want to know? Planning a way to break them up? Sorry to disappoint though, Johnny doesn’t have such bad points.”

Doyoung huffs. “What kind of person doesn’t have bad points,” he retorts.

“Johnny doesn’t,” Jaehyun says back. “He’s always been that kind of guy. That easy-going guy. Even when he’s mad, he’s calm and collected. He knows how to befriend people easily and make them feel comfortable. I’m sure you’ve noticed.”

Oh, he’s noticed. Why else would Taeyong give Johnny a chance and end up dating him for so long? It isn’t like just anyone can get past Taeyong’s barriers. Any usual guy Taeyong dated would have worn off their patience by now. But Johnny is nice and patient. His patience has made a place in Taeyong’s heart.

Doyoung is silent as he stares at the melting foam in his drink. 

The words that should put him at ease just make him more upset. Why couldn’t Johnny just be a worse person? Then maybe Doyoung could hate him, blame him, and feel less helpless.

“Hyung—if I can call you that—it’s no use,” Jaehyun says honestly. “Johnny likes Taeyong and from the way I see it, Taeyong really likes Johnny too. They’re the type to complement each other’s faults and go into a relationship for the long-term.”

“I know,” Doyoung says, just above a whisper. “I just thought...”

“You thought it would be you—after all these years.”

Without saying anything, Jaehyun already knows. Doyoung doesn’t respond, but Jaehyun knows he’s right from the sullen look overtaking Doyoung’s eyes.

It’s Doyoung who’s been by Taeyong for all these years. He’s made it this far. Through the boyfriends that thought Taeyong was pretty and showered him with gentle words, only to mistreat him once they saw he was too sensitive, too quiet, and took too long to open up. Through Doyoung’s try at dating once or twice that went bad. It is still Doyoung and Taeyong that lasted to this day.

He’s been waiting for so long, all this time, hoping that Taeyong would look at him, choose him. If it just ends like this... if Doyoung’s love just ends like this...

He doesn’t want to give up so hopelessly.

As Doyoung sits in his thoughts, Jaehyun spends the time sipping his coffee, memorizing Doyoung’s expressions.

That night, Doyoung mindlessly scrolls through the channels on the TV despite knowing that there’s nothing on and he doesn’t like watching TV in the first place.

“So—Jaehyun. You like him?” Taeyong asks over his cup of tea by the kitchen table.

Doyoung makes an indiscernible noise that he hopes will pass off as _sure._

Taeyong mimics the noise curiously. “Really? You haven’t dated anyone since we entered college. Ever since, uh, Jinyoung..” Taeyong catches himself and coughs over the blunder, “so I was surprised when Jaehyun came up today. Quite the catch, Doyoung.”

“Is he?” Doyoung asks airily.

Maybe it was the wrong thing to say. Jaehyun is definitely quite the catch. He’s popular. There’s no doubt about it. Even rumors of his visuals traveled all the way to Doyoung’s side of the department, then obviously there’s plenty of people who desire him.

But of course, he’s not the person Doyoung is interested in.

“Then how was your first date today?” Taeyong asks.

The thumb on the channel button hesitates. Doyoung makes a certain hum that means _okay._

“So not good?”

“It was fine,” Doyoung says while beginning to scroll through the channels again.

“Is that...good?”

Doyoung holds back the desire to sigh. He'd rather if Taeyong didn't ask him about it, because it’s all he’s been thinking about since the moment Jaehyun basically splashed in his face with cold water about how his devoted longing will never be fruitful.

Thankfully, even Taeyong has never been able to pry out information Doyoung never wanted to share. They were similar in that way—closed off with the suffering until they couldn’t bear it anymore. Taeyong’s just always been easier to read, while Doyoung was more stubborn than him. After years of hearing his parents fight, he’s perfected his poker face.

“It wasn’t bad. He’s... interesting.”

“Oh,” Taeyong mumbles into his cup. It seems more a thoughtful ‘oh’ than a _that’s too bad_ ‘oh’. Then, he adds a little too cheerily, “Jaehyun doesn’t seem to be your type anyway. He’s a little argumentative.”

 _He’s wrong_ , Doyoung thinks. _You’re argumentative. We argue a lot too. You’re my type._

“Are you going to see him again?”

“Maybe,” Doyoung says quietly.

“Oh,” Taeyong quietly says again. This time a little more final.

And that’s that because Doyoung turns off the TV, remote thrown onto the coffee table with a clang, and heads to his room with a short _I’m going to bed now, goodnight._

While how they met was a coincidence, Doyoung felt like it was also something else. Two paths converging like a spark.

Taeyong was a loner simply because he looked different. He seemed like a sculpture’s creation when he sat in class, still and blank, with his earbuds in. Other people talked and giggled, but Taeyong was deaf to the world. He liked being quiet and doing the little things.

They are similar in this way. It’s why they stuck together. They had a mutual understanding about loneliness.

The day they met felt a little magical.

Doyoung was angsty as a teen and after hagwon, he would stick to the bookstore and cafes until they kicked him out. He was too young to still be there at night, they said. He was in his last year of middle school. Doyoung was close to throwing a tantrum on the sidewalk when he met Taeyong on the streets, coming out from the arcade.

The ground was still wet from the rain earlier.

He remembers clearly the look on Taeyong’s face as they both stopped in front of each other, backpacks hanging off their shoulders, uniform ruffled—their mutual shock and confusion at seeing each other at a time when other students in the area would have been home for dinner and not outside. 

Doyoung said that he didn’t want to go home.

Taeyong’s eyes sparkled, grinning excitedly as he asked the question that changed everything.

“Do you want to come to my house?”

And the Doyoung that didn’t know anything about family or best friends or first love—gained all three that day.

taeyong the tiny worrier

don’t stay at the lab too late!

i won’t

coming home soon. you?

i’m gonna be with johnny’s friends tonight!!

ok don’t drink

you can’t stop me!! 

your drunk face is ugly

hmph

hey maybe you could call jaehyun and see if he’s free for dinner? i think he’s studying late too

you med students really work hard ^^;

maybe.

_Are you that happy that I’m dating again?_

Doyoung lets out a heavy sigh, letting his phone clatter on the table.

Sicheng’s head peeks over, pausing to see what was up. 

Doyoung usually was quiet in the lab and they worked in relative peace. He gives Sicheng a weak smile to signal that everything’s fine.

Sicheng’s head disappears and he returns to hunching over his paperwork.

He stares at his phone blankly again. Then again, Doyoung has never felt threatened by any of Taeyong’s boyfriends. He would always stay quiet, pointing out the times where they were pushing Taeyong to his limits. They never lasted more than two months.

But Johnny has never done that. He has the patience of a saint. Sometimes, he’s even better than Doyoung and just lets Taeyong carry out his spells of fussing or cleaning or long hour sketching sessions. That’s how Doyoung knows he’s different. That’s how he knows Johnny will be by Taeyong for a long time.

The back of his head itches. Sometimes, he wishes human beings weren’t given such keen senses. He can feel eyes piercing him from everywhere.

_Is that him—Kim Doyoung? Pharmacy, right?_

_No way, he doesn’t look the type Jaehyun likes._

_I mean, I think he’s kind of handsome._

_But his face is so long. He’s not pretty enough._

_If he’s in pharmacy, he must be smart though. What do you think his background is?_

_Hey, he’s sitting with Taeyong, the prettiest one from the design department. I heard the two are already going out though._

_Huh? Doesn’t he already have a boyfriend? That tall guy. Who was it... a film major..._

Doyoung huffs, letting his fork clatter into his tray. He makes a point to glare at the group walking past them. Another group of two girls and guy whip their heads away when Doyoung catches them and hurry along.

Taeyong fidgets in his seat. “Maybe we should move tables.”

Doyoung sucks air through his teeth. He’d rather stay put. Why should he move? But he worries more about Taeyong who is getting sucked into his rumors. Everywhere they go, Taeyong gets stared at. Such is the result of a vain society. But not when Doyoung can help it.

“Do you want to?” he asks softly.

Taeyong shakes his head, fiddling with his food. “It’s alright. I’m just worried about you.”

“What do I have to fear? Let them talk.”

But as he says this, Taeyong’s eyes wander around them. Some people huddle into their tables and whisper. Others who are just walking past make small comments. There hasn’t been this much attention since Taeyong’s relationship status got marked off the market.

It feels like they’ve been transported back to their high school cafeteria. When on some days, it seemed like someone took a liking to Taeyong, someone else was jealous of that, and their class chatroom had 200+ messages about how Taeyong reacted, what he was doing that day—and all the kids would stare when they sat down at a table for lunch. Everyday, he felt anger simmer under his facade of boredom. A lot of times, he wanted to jump out of his skin and just slip back into the safety of his bed.

Sicheng appears next to them. “Hyung,” he greets and turns to nod at Taeyong.

Taeyong acknowledges him in the same manner. They’ve seen each other around just because Doyoung and Sicheng work in the same research lab.

“There’s a lot of chatter today...” Sicheng turns to see some tables glancing at them.

“Isn’t there always?” Doyoung jokes. He picks up his backpack, shuffling through it before passing Sicheng a stack of paper. “Here you go.”

“Thank you.” He takes the paper but stands there for another beat, eyes surveying the others. “They should mind their own business.”

Doyoung smiles kindly at him.

Sicheng has always been a little soft spoken. The first day he joined their lab, he had a straight face and spoke directly, but his manners were always strict yet gentle. Doyoung thought he was cute. He has a boyish charm that makes people want to protect him. He is also a very hard worker, staying at the lab as often as Doyoung does. 

“I don’t mind them,” Doyoung says. “Thanks though. Tell me again if you need something printed out.”

Sicheng nods and after a goodbye bow, he walks away while whipping out his phone, typing furiously on it. 

Doyoung thought that would be enough interaction in one bustling lunch but he is proven wrong very soon. 

A short while after Sicheng leaves, Kyunghee, a member of one of his group labs, comes by with her friend. “Doyoung! I heard the rumors!” She plants her hands on the table, giddy and excited, “Are you really going out with Jung Jaehyun?”

Doyoung bites back the burst of irritation throbbing in his head. By instinct, his eyes snap to Taeyong instead.

Taeyong has completely abandoned the food on his plate, staring at Doyoung with a conflicted face. He looks like he’s on the edge of jumping from his seat and at the same time, wanting to bury himself under the table. Doyoung can see the berating words struggling to burst from his lips, trembling as they hold him back from yelling at Kyunghee. But Taeyong just doesn’t have the will.

Doyoung doesn’t blame him.

“Why are you guys so interested in who I’m dating?” From behind, Jaehyun comes up to the table, lulling their area into quiet. He looks a little worn down, like he rushed here in a hurry.

“Uh, we’re just curious.” Kyunghee’s friend nods.

Jaehyun frowns. “You shouldn’t gossip. It’s rude. And we're not animals in a zoo,” he scolds the group of girls who look back and forth between Jaehyun and Doyoung like he's scolding one of his younger friends.

The girls’ jaws snap shut and they give nervous smiles before quickly shuffling off. Kyunghee doesn’t even give the usually irritatingly preppy _bye!_ as she leaves.

When Jaehyun looks at the surrounding tables, some people have their phones still clutched in their hands. He jokes with a slight deadpan, “If you keep staring so hard, your eyes might fall out.”

Some of them laugh nervously, embarrassed at being caught and turn away to continue scrolling on their phones. Doyoung can see others pulling up chats, obviously to tell their friends what Jaehyun just did in the south cafeteria. They all act so brave when they're talking behind other people's backs but when confronted, they're just cowards who huddle back into their shells, back under the shield of a screen and anonymity.

“Sorry about that.”

“It’s fine,” Doyoung says. “Did you..” he glances at Jaehyun’s messy hair, “run here?”

Jaehyun’s dimples stretch in a shy grin. “Sicheng texted that some people were making you uncomfortable. I didn’t run. I was on the way.”

It feels like a lie and Doyoung is sure of it when Jaehyun’s ears redden considerably.

“I have to go now,” he says, “to a group study. If anybody bothers you again, just call me. I’ll figure it out.” And just as fast as he came, Jaehyun is dashing off again.

Doyoung doesn’t realize he dazed off watching Jaehyun leave until Taeyong is calling his name, clanging his fork onto the tray. Taeyong’s lips are tightened back like he’s unsatisfied, fork twisted in a death grip.

“Let’s not eat here next time.” Taeyong’s eyes are dark.

“Okay.”

The action bothers Doyoung more than he thought it would. Rather than grateful or awed, he feels more... dumbstruck.

He remembers all the times he had _accidentally_ spilled juice or soup or his whole tray into another student’s uniform, one that had been relentlessly talking behind Taeyong’s back in the cafeteria.

Doyoung never had anyone protect him. He stuck up for himself just fine.

Of course, he relied on Taeyong in little ways like keeping him company when his parents were fighting, when he wanted to watch movies rather than play basketball like the others, when he would zone out of natural survival instincts like eating because of his studies.

But Jaehyun was able to do something that even Taeyong hadn’t accomplished in the years that they’ve known each other. Doyoung didn’t think he needed protecting. But.. being protected felt good.

Maybe he was wrong.

Taeyong and Doyoung share in making a nice dinner, a special one they went to the grocery together for. It’s pasta night. They stuff their bellies and sit on the couch, watching a melodrama with a blanket over their laps.

“She’s a bitch who doesn’t care about anyone else but herself!” Taeyong yells at the television.

“Hear, hear,” Doyoung raises his fist to that.

The female lead throws the money on the table and the mistress just smirks.

“I do admire her tenacity though. I’d just take the money and leave the asshole. What a scheme that would be.” Doyoung scoffs as the mistress renounces the wife. “Love is blind.”

“Doyoung,” Taeyong gasps and slaps Doyoung in the chest lightheartedly, “don’t side with the evil.”

Doyoung snorts as the ending song booms with a still frame of the female lead trembling in anger. “I’m not siding with her, I’m just realistic. You’re too much a romantic. You always want a dramatic happy melodrama with a happy ending. I’m saying all humans are selfish. She definitely would’ve taken that money and cared shit about the guy in real life.”

Taeyong pouts and rambles about why a melodramatic happy ending is needed while the credits and sponsors start rolling out. Doyoung takes the time to stretch his limbs after a nice relaxing evening. It’s then that Taeyong starts with _that_ topic again.

“So on Friday..”

Doyoung nods at Taeyong’s words, head rolling back with emptiness.

“...I was wondering if you wanted to go to the amusement park with Johnny and me.”

Doyoung freezes. His limbs are stiff with tension, and not the kind he gets from sitting on the sofa for so long. “Aren’t amusement parks usually where couples go for dates?” He laughs, trying to mask his nervousness. “I don’t really want to be a third-wheel.”

“We can invite Jaehyun! It’ll be a nice outing for all of us.”

Well, then Doyoung definitely doesn’t want to go. Isn’t having lunch occasionally enough? Do they have to do everything together just because Johnny and Jaehyun are best friends and Johnny is dating Taeyong?

“Since when do you like amusement parks?” Doyoung asks, “I thought you said it’s dirty, crowded, and you’re afraid of heights anyways.”

Taeyong purses his lips. He folds his legs in and says quietly, “I thought I wanted to try new things.”

It hurts when Doyoung swallows and all he feels is his dry throat.

Right. New things. “With Johnny,” Doyoung says. “You’re trying new things because Johnny asked you to the amusement park.”

He means to phrase it more like a question, but it doesn’t come out that way at all.

Taeyong takes a while to nod. “He said that lots of couples go on dates to amusement parks. And well, it’s true. You know I always refused when Jaehwan or Chanwoo asked. I thought it might be romantic..”

The dazed, rosy hue on Taeyong’s cheeks is what really throws him off. Doyoung doesn’t frown, but his expression isn’t anything happy. He can’t look at Taeyong right now, so he faces the flashing screen again with his stiff limbs.

“Doyoung?” Taeyong calls when he doesn’t respond. “I thought...” he struggles with his words, winding up his courage, “I wanted you and Johnny to get along better. I thought we were doing better.”

 _We._ A noun that once meant Doyoung and Taeyong is now _we_ including Johnny.

“There’s nothing to fix,” Doyoung says. He turns to Taeyong and smiles and genuinely tries to mean it. He already knows Johnny is different from the rest of them. “Even if you’re over your fear of rollercoasters, it doesn’t mean I am though,” he jokes just to lighten the mood.

Taeyong gives a weak smile.

“How about this,” Doyoung says, “that get together with Johnny and Jaehyun’s friends. Let’s do that instead.”

“Great! I’ll tell him now.”

Taeyong’s blooming joy is worth it, Doyoung says to himself as he watches Taeyong punch into his phone screen. He says it’s worth it but the sinking feeling in his stomach says otherwise.

He can feel them growing different. He can feel them growing apart.

The day of the get together comes by too fast. 

Doyoung doesn’t try to befriend people for a long time, so he isn’t used to the feeling anymore. He’s nervous but he promised Taeyong so he has no choice. Doyoung will just have to put on his big boy pants and go to the get-together, knowing it’s going to be a slow, torturous night.

The place is a trendy bar around the campus area and it’s a full house. It’s lit by ambient amber hanging lights and many, many antique tables and chairs. Johnny spots them and immediately raises his long-limbed arm, sticking out wherever he goes. Taeyong is bounding over with a glowing smile, more or less dragging Doyoung by the arm. There’s clamber as the guys make space around the table for them, dragging chairs into wherever and some calling over drinks.

Before they reach them, Doyoung makes out Johnny leaning to beside him, telling a man with brown hair in a ponytail something. There’s more squabbling around the table back and forth until the two random empty seats on opposite ends are occupied by several people scooting over so that there are two empty seats between Johnny and the long haired man.

Taeyong greets Johnny with a murmured “thanks for getting us the seats, babe” and Doyoung averts his eyes when Taeyong’s eyes flutter at Johnny’s kiss to his forehead. He focuses on the odd roundness of the corners of the long table. He’s been squished at one of the corners.

“Oh,” Doyoung says once he realizes who’s on his other side. “Your hair has grown out.”

Yuta grins wide, friendly all at once like he doesn’t know about Doyoung’s history. “Yeah, I wanted to try something new.”

He remembers Yuta as one of the athletic, popular international students. He was loud and he was always in Doyoung’s background.

The hair on Doyoung’s arms prickle. Taeyong never told him about this. Why didn't Taeyong tell him beforehand?

“Hey.”

Perched half in the chair and the other leg standing, Jaehyun smirks just one seat from him. He was so caught up in Yuta being here, he didn’t see Jaehyun hidden at the very end of the table.

Before even Jaehyun could make some sort of smug remark, he was beat by Yuta in between them.

“I wouldn’t have guessed it was you! I thought it might have been another Doyoung!” Yuta has a satisfied glower on his lips as he shouts over the other chatter and karaoke in the background. “So you’re the one who caught Woojae’s interest. Everyone’s been talking about you, you know? But it’s hard to widdle anything out of Jaehyun’s mysterious lips.”

“Woojae?”

“Our Jaehyun,” from the side, someone else teases. 

_Oh, not this._

Doyoung recognizes Ten from Taeyong’s department and from the short interactions where Doyoung was waiting for Taeyong, he has come to know that Ten says annoying things just to be a menace.

“It’s like a high school reunion here,” Yuta says joyfully and reaches over Doyoung to tap on Taeyong’s shoulder. “The three of us.”

Taeyong’s smile is calm when he nods at the sentiment. It seems like Taeyong doesn’t have any problems with Yuta, so Doyoung lowers his guard down significantly more.

“I didn’t know you were attending university in Korea.”

“I wanted to make my adventure last,” Yuta says wistfully.

 _Adventure,_ he calls it. Doyoung wonders how different their lives must have been if Yuta’s high school experience was _an adventure._ Even after all he saw, Yuta’s grin looks like he only kept happy memories.

“Are the rest of you,” Doyoung slowly pans through the many faces at the table, growing increasingly uneasy at each adorning a certain grin that said they knew something he didn’t, “friends from high school?”

There’s a couple of chuckles and Johnny says, “More or less. Some of us are just tag-alongs from different departments and roommates. But we all ended up together here anyway.”

The rest of the night follow in a similar fashion, in a blur and full of wild back and forth conversations Doyoung can’t keep up with. Doyoung nurses his drink, clasped in a loose grip. It’s not that he has a low tolerance, it’s just that he doesn’t want to get drunk today. Something in the atmosphere tells him that he shouldn’t even try to let loose.

When it seems there’s an opening in between conversations, Yuta dives in at the opportunity—literally, he leans into the table so much so that Doyoung can feel the shifty table dip under the weight.

“So I hear you and Jaehyun have gone on a couple of dates already.” There’s a shit-eating grin on his face that begs Doyoung to _TELL ALL._

“Uhm.” Doyoung gives a shy smile and hopes he doesn’t have to answer.

But Taeil asks with gleaming eyes, “What’s the status, you guys?” He’s already swaying with red cheeks, and Doyoung thinks he’s probably shit-talking buzzed.

While Doyoung tries to hide behind his hand, Jaehyun practically has his chest puffed as he lays his eyes solely on Doyoung. “I don’t know,” Jaehyun says, “but I’m hoping for an upgrade to boyfriends.”

Jungwoo knocks his knuckles rapidly on the table. “What’s his answer?” he asks cheekily.

Doyoung thought Jungwoo was nice when he shyly introduced himself, but he sees now that he likes messing around like the rest of them. He itches to tell them all to shut up. He doesn’t want to pull himself into a bigger lie with Taeyong right next to him.

“Don’t get your hopes up,” Doyoung rolls his eyes.

“Oh,” Jaehyun hums with a still arrogant expression. It’s not disappointment at all.

He places both his elbows on the table and the table shifts again. Doyoung can feel almost as if he’s sliding along with the table towards him. Even with Yuta being squished between them in the corner, Jaehyun’s splayed hand is so close to his loose fist.

Doyoung can feel the buzzing in his blood as Jaehyun’s eyes fix on him. Despite not sitting beneath the light, Doyoung feels terribly hot.

“We’ve already gotten so close though, Doie hyung. I thought we had something,” he feigns a pout.

Several tables look over their shoulders when the cheering erupts from their table. God, if only Doyoung could staple Jaehyun’s mouth shut. _This is exciting!_ shouts someone that Doyoung can’t mind because he’s so intensely fixing a painful smile at Jaehyun’s face. The latter just relaxes back into his chair as if his job was done.

Yuta almost blows his ear out by shouting, “I didn’t know Jaehyun was your type, Doyoung! Jaehyun is chased by almost every girl that walks by him. Even boys marvel at his face and his body.” He makes a show of touching Jaehyun’s biceps and Mark bends over in laughter. “But he’s never been interested in anyone. He’s so tight-lipped,” Yuta pouts.

“Tell us,” Ten joins in. “Is he a good kisser?”

Doyoung makes a choking noise as Johnny hoots and _ooohs_ and a couple of the guys follow, Mark’s laugh booming the loudest. There’s several _we want to know_ and _yeah, come on, Doyoung._

The arm that Taeyong has rubbing on his is something he keenly feels now more than ever, even as Taeyong leans most of his weight against Johnny. His skin is scorching and his heart is beating in his ears so loudly.

Jaehyun sits with a wide grin, deep dimples like he’s won the biggest prize ever. “Yeah, tell us, hyung. Am I a good kisser?”

What an asshole. 

Doyoung hates losing and the goading smile on Jaehyun’s face is as if he’s just waiting for Doyoung to mess up. “Fuck off, Jung,” he throws back with a smile and a couple peanuts at Jaehyun’s direction.

The table explodes in laughter like it’s the funniest thing ever.

“Wow, someone’s standing up to you, Jaehyun!”

“You’ve been dumped!”

“Our poor Jaehyunnie!”

“He’s met his match, finally!”

“Wow,” comes across from him. “Hyung,” in an awed voice, Lucas asks, “has anyone ever told you that you look like a bunny when you laugh?”

He feels his own shoulders tense before he can control his fading expression. There’s a gnawing feeling in his ribs as he recalls the word “bunny” along with others—buck-tooth, jack-rabbit. He hasn’t felt this breathless in a long time.

It becomes significantly more quiet when Yuta isn’t shouting but Taeyong is the one they notice as his entire body freezes. He can feel the tightening of Taeyong’s thigh pressed against his. It feels so out of place, the three of them.

“Xuxi don’t say that,” Yuta scolds. His face is void of playfulness and that’s when the air at the table gets icy.

In the bar, other people chat wildly but an air of awkwardness hovers around them, cutting their place away from the bar. It’s alienating. Stiff faces greet them as the group look at them, wondering if something was wrong. Their eyes travel to Yuta more than Doyoung and Taeyong.

With fast thinking, Kun smacks Lucas over the head. “The boy doesn’t know how to control his mouth sometimes. He means well.” He smiles good-naturedly at Doyoung.

Someone clears their throat and then Jaehyun is saying, “We say Lucas is like Clifford, the big red dog all the time too. Don’t take him so seriously.”

They are all nodding, but Ten, ever eager to be the odd one out, slurs out with lazy pronunciation, “But why...?”

 _“Ten,”_ Jaehyun warns, his voice low and dangerous.

Simultaneously, several things happen.

Sicheng quirks his brows up to the others at the table as if he’s saying _check this out._ Ten is less subtle and comments a very audible _wow._ The more sensible ones wear various degrees of alarm in their eyes at each other. Mark is blinking uneasily, eyes shifting from one end to the other.

Doyoung takes deep breaths in, maintaining a facade of calmness he always seems to regress back into.

From the corner of his eye, he can see that Taeyong is still loosely half-frozen in his seat, clutching at the edge of the table. But also, he stares at Jaehyun intensely with a look Doyoung can’t decipher.

Lucas scrambles and mumbles words of apology so fast Doyoung thinks he might get whiplash from how he’s bending his neck back and forth so fast. Doyoung has to say it’s okay, even though he’s still reeling from it all.

After several of the older boys throw peanuts at him, Lucas settles and pouts into his boyfriend’s shoulder. Jungwoo chuckles and smooths the boy’s blonde hair. The table livens up again.

Yuta turns to him again, head tilted downward like he’s trying to talk intimately with him with a lower tone. “Sorry—”

“It’s fine,” Doyoung cuts him off before he can say anymore. He doesn’t want to disturb the atmosphere, fearful of bringing up this uncomfortable feeling again.

Yuta frowns, saying more lightly now, “Jaehyun isn’t the type to talk back to the older guys, even if it’s Ten and he toes the line a lot. He knows Ten’s just joking so... he must really like you if he was so serious just now.”

Something about that confession unsettles Doyoung. It’s not like Jaehyun doesn’t know he likes Taeyong. Perhaps they’re all wrong and Jaehyun was simply being considerate to someone that’s new to the group. From what he’s seen, Jaehyun is known for his kindness.

But Doyoung never gets to dispute it because the table erupts again when their food gets brought to the table. Conversations cut off into different places. Sicheng briefly says something about being squished at the table, inciting a fury of hugs, and insults Taeil for his clingy knobby hands while glaring at his boyfriend to do something. But Yuta just laughs like he’s enjoying Sicheng being pestered.

Slowly, Doyoung realizes how many couples there are at the table and unconsciously glances at Taeyong. The bottles in front of him have been emptied and the boy looks about ready to sink into sleep in Johnny’s arms. He looks so comfortable there, unworried and safe from the world.

Without knowing, Doyoung’s lips have been pulled into a frown. It’s something that doesn’t escape Jaehyun’s attention.

When their third hour at the bar comes to an end, the group exits and they all argue over the bill. Yuta pulls at Jaehyun to whisper something to him and then, Doyoung and Jaehyun somehow end up in the corner, inhaling the cold air from outside.

“Sorry about that earlier,” Jaehyun says.

“What? Oh, the bunny comment?” Doyoung shrugs, hands stuffed in his denim jacket. He can see Yuta glancing back at them as they straggle out of the bar. “It’s just an old sore spot. I’m used to it. The kids at school used to say a bunch of stuff that weren't true about me and Taeyong so it doesn’t matter too much anymore.”

The answer must not suffice because the wrinkles between Jaehyun’s brows deepen. “That’s not okay.”

“Oh, it’s fine. I’m more bothered about the fact that your friends all think we’re dating. You kept goading them on too!”

That brings a chuckle to Jaehyun’s lips. “Don’t think I don’t know that’s what Taeyong still thinks too. You haven’t told him anything clearly either.”

Doyoung is about to retort when Johnny brings out a clingy, drunk Taeyong. His best friend never really had the best alcohol tolerance. Especially over three hours of drinking, he must come out a mess. Johnny smiles kindly at him while Taeyong is whining, clinging onto Johnny’s clothes, hanging all over him.

“I wanna go with you, Jyani!” he pouts while repeating that phrase over and over again. “Doie, tell him!”

“Sorry, Doyoung. Do you mind?”

 _You’re his boyfriend. Why are you asking me?_ But Johnny tends to do this—apologize to him every time he takes up Taeyong’s time. It only makes him more bitter.

With a weak wave, he nods. “Go ahead. Take care of him.”

_Even though I know you will anyway._

In the end, Doyoung has to watch Taeyong walk away with someone else again. Taeyong’s back is towards him again.

Next to him, he hears Jaehyun laugh. “What’s so funny?” Doyoung asks, a bit peeved.

“It just reminds me of the first time we met,” Jaehyun says with a soft smile.

Doyoung is confused. _What does that mean?_ But he scoffs anyways. “That’s so kind of you. I’m glad someone is happy from seeing my miserable love.”

Jaehyun stares. “Nevermind,” he shakes his head, “You really don’t have eyes for anyone but Taeyong.”

This makes Doyoung’s nose scrunch up. Even though it’s true, does Jaehyun have to sound so mean about it?

Jaehyun just raises his arm again and says, “So should I take you home or...” the headlights on his car flashes, “do you want to come to mine?”

Several cars pass them in the time that Jaehyun’s words sink into Doyoung’s brain. The answer should be _no._ The answer should be no but... all that flickers in his head is the image of Taeyong getting into the car with Johnny. Taeyong’s content smile as Johnny buckled him in and how he has only seen the back of Taeyong’s head for so long.

Doyoung has never felt alone since Taeyong came along. He doesn’t want to be alone tonight.

“Yours.”

Doyoung’s head is muddled through the car ride. Even though he tried not to, from the whole ride to Jaehyun’s apartment, he fiddled with the windows and kept silent.

Jaehyun definitely does not have money on his mind because he lives in a two story loft, although nothing luxurious, it’s definitely nothing like Taeyong’s and his shared apartment.

As soon as he’s toeing off his shoes, Jaehyun shows Doyoung the bedroom upstairs and says, “You must be tired,” even pulling out some set of clothes for Doyoung to change into.

Doyoung thinks that’s slightly weird as he’s changing. But maybe that’s just how Jaehyun likes to do things before sex. He puts on the thin shirt—the fabric is really soft—but he leaves out the pants Jaehyun gave him. Since they’ll be taken off anyway.

After Jaehyun comes out from the bathroom, the lights go off and he’s slipping in beside Doyoung in bed. That is definitely strange. In the upstairs loft, the only source of light is the moon shining through the giant window walls from the living room. Maybe Jaehyun likes it with the lights off.

Doyoung can only overthink. It has been such a long time since he’s been close to another person like this. It’s only natural that he’s slightly stiff as he cozies up into Jaehyun’s chest. He can feel the warmth of Jaehyun’s hands as they hold him at the waist. 

Jaehyun doesn’t move.

In the back of his mind, he thinks maybe.. he might have gotten the wrong idea.

But Doyoung has a goal tonight. He isn’t going to stop.

He nuzzles in closer, sliding a leg in between Jaehyun’s. Something about the feeling of his bare legs against the soft fabric of Jaehyun’s pants is strangely sensual. When his hands brush up against Jaehyun’s stomach, he can feel Jaehyun’s abdomen flex under the slight touch. He’s so affected by the little things.

The temperature under the blankets only increases.

“Doyoung..” Jaehyun’s hands squeeze at his waist. It sounds like a warning.

But Jaehyun’s gritty voice only spurs him on more. Doyoung noses down Jaehyun’s neck. Warm puffs of air travel across Jaehyun’s skin. When he mouths at Jaehyun’s adam’s apple, Jaehyun shivers under his palms. Doyoung latches onto the skin, sucking with intention to bruise.

“Doyoung,” Jaehyun groans.

Suddenly, Doyoung is flipped over with Jaehyun pinning him down with his legs.

“What are you doing?” Jaehyun puffs out.

“I thought this is what you invited me over for.” He brings his hips up as if to persuade Jaehyun again. Their hips meet and—ah. 

Jaehyun is hard.

Doyoung couldn’t see too clearly before, but now Jaehyun is so close and the light from the windows reflect onto his face perfectly. The entirety of his ears are red. He’s clearly embarrassed that his body reacted so quickly.

“You didn’t even want Taeyong to think you liked me,” Jaehyun says. “What’s with the sudden change?”

Doyoung wants to sink into the mattress. So what if he changes his mind? Isn’t Jaehyun riled up already, but still.. like this, no one wants him.

“You’re the one who asked me to come here,” he blurts out. “ _You._ You acted like you wanted me but you’re just like everyone else. What? Just because I like Taeyong, I’m not desirable anymore? It’s just sex.”

He sounds like a child who’s throwing a tantrum. He hates it. He hates himself right now.

Jaehyun gets really quiet, just staring.

Doyoung wonders what expression he must be making for Jaehyun to look at him like that.

“I want you,” Jaeyhun says softly. “I’ve wanted you since the first time I saw you.”

“You...” Doyoung’s eyes widen. “But I like Taeyong.”

“I know.”

But... Doyoung thinks of both his ex-boyfriends. They were appalled and angry the moment they realized exactly what was wrong with Doyoung. Why he never gave his heart completely to them. He was called a lot of harsh words: cheater, slut, two-timer, attention whore.

“No one wants to be anyone’s second,” he says, voice small.

“You said it yourself. It’s just sex,” Jaehyun says and he lowers his hips down. He’s not embarrassed at all that he’s tenting into his pants and rubbing down on Doyoung’s erection.

It sure does the job because Doyoung can feel lust stirring in his stomach.

Doyoung hesitates. “Are you sure?”

“Hyung,” Jaehyun says and it amazes him how blown out Jaehyun’s pupils are, “you’re the one who’s blushing. Are you sure?”

Other people don’t get close to him. Doyoung always looked reserved, as if he was latched with an invisible chain to Taeyong wherever they were.

“I just want to be held.”

And like he completely understands, that’s exactly what Jaehyun does.

Doyoung ends up sweating through the shirt Jaehyun gave him as they clutch to each other under the sheets. Jaehyun pins him down to the bed with his muscles and they rut together like two desperate teenage boys. Jaehyun keeps him still with both arms wrapped around his body and their legs tangled together, sliding roughly up and down as they try to get as much friction as possible through their clothes.

It might not be much out of everything they could do, but it’s enough for Doyoung. It's enough because he gets to feel like he's wanted. When Jaehyun locks him in his arms and licks down his neck, Doyoung feels desired. And he hasn't felt like that in a long time.

In the end, Doyoung’s boxers are a complete mess with come smeared all over the front. It looks like Jaehyun’s was the same when he peeled them off and left them on the floor with an ugly splat.

Doyoung gets back to their shared apartment late in the morning but early enough. 

Taeyong gasps when he sees the hickeys littering Doyoung’s collarbone. He thinks Doyoung and Jaehyun are totally official from that day on.

Doyoung realizes much later that Jaehyun has a bit of a nipping problem.

“Is it for your boyfriend?” asks the girls who are running the booth outside the field.

The other girls surrounding them giggle and peak at them from the sides. They all hold several bouquets of flowers as well and banners for those they are cheering on in the stands.

Doyoung just smiles at the girls as he pays.

At the school festival, there are different activities for different departments and this year, there’s a face-off between the design department and the medicine department.

The sport in challenge is soccer.

Of course, there’s a lot of athletic students in both departments but what was the problem is that Taeyong was in one team and Jaehyun was in the other. When Doyoung slips into the seats by Jaehyun’s friends, they both are holding different banners.

When the medicine department team makes a goal, they cheer. Ten makes a spectacle to boo instead and urges Johnny to do the same. Johnny just laughs and pushes at him. When the design department team scores a goal, Johnny is the first one out of his seat to holler. It does put a smile on his face.

Doyoung is not really into sports nor is Taeyong, but Taeyong was really adamant in taking part to represent his department. He wanted to be _involved_ so of course, Doyoung was going to go and support him.

No matter who cheers the loudest, in the end, the medicine department won anyway. All of the team members rally to cheer before the crowd in the stands get to leave or flood the field. The group join the celebrations and the bouquet Doyoung brought gets promptly shoved under Taeyong’s nose.

“Doyoung!” He giggles with sweat dripping down his temples. 

Doyoung is reminded of how heartbreakingly beautiful his best friend is. That speaks for itself from when Taeyong walks across the field and all around him, eyes turns to watch him. Even with sweat matting his bangs, he’s a specimen of desire whereas others would be avoided like a wet dog.

“But I didn’t win?” Taeyong says confused but grasps the bouquet with welcoming hands anyway.

“I know. But I got it for you anyway.”

It’s true. Doyoung went to the flower booth with the only intention of giving it to Taeyong, no matter what the result would be.

Taeyong smiles so wide and turns to Johnny, showing off the flowers. “Babe, look! I got flowers from a medicine student. I think Doyoung should change majors. He might be a traitor now.”

Doyoung silently revels in it. Taeyong is smiling because of _him._ He’s interrupted out of it by Yuta, who scored a majority of the goals for the medicine department, whining very loudly.

“Doyoung, that’s cheating! You’re in our department and,” he pushes Jaehyun to the front of their gathering friends, “not only did your boyfriend win but hello? Look at all the work I put in? Where are my—our flowers?”

Doyoung’s smiling at him but his eyes would stab Yuta if he was able to. “Sicheng is the same major as me. You should’ve asked your boyfriend to get you some.”

Sicheng just shrugs with a teasing grin.

Ten, also eager to fan the flames, adds on, “But Doyoung, just look at Jaehyunnie! He’s gonna grow jealous.”

Doyoung just looks at Jaehyun, who bows his head to passing members and nods in acknowledgement of the girls standing close by, waving their banners with his name on it. The tell-tale embarrassed smile makes it way onto his face which only makes the girls squeal.

Doyoung rolls his eyes. There’s plenty of people supporting him.

Jaehyun takes the towel Kun handed him and throws it over his shoulders. With a soft tone, he says to Ten, “No, I’m not. That’s not my style.”

His friends all _ooh_ like they do every time Jaehyun says something sweet about Doyoung.

Jaehyun doesn’t tell them to knock it off and lets them fool around. He stands next to Doyoung, but his stare is on the pair of best friends as if they have their own impenetrable world. It keeps Jaehyun at a distance that’s more than physical.

They have rules. They are unsaid but Jaehyun understands the lines that he shouldn’t cross. 

_Don’t intrude in Doyoung and Taeyong’s relationship._

Jaehyun understands. He has to because that’s his role in this.

“Thanks, Doyoung,” Taeyong says a bit shyly, “for giving me these.”

“Of course, you’re my best friend.”

There’s a short second where Taeyong glances at Jaehyun with a limp expression, but then his smile returns to Doyoung brighter than before.

Doyoung doesn’t miss this. In fact, it encourages him. It tells him that Taeyong still cares.

For anyone else in a relationship, this may have bothered them at least a bit. But for Doyoung, in every relationship he’s been in, Doyoung has put Taeyong first before any boyfriend, so it shouldn’t surprise Taeyong that he does the same this time as well. Other people would prioritize their partner over their best friend. Doyoung doesn’t.

But well, Doyoung and Taeyong have always been different.

If Taeyong had been worried before, seeing how Doyoung acted today, he knows everything is still well. Such a small thing like flowers, but it makes Taeyong immensely happy, Doyoung thinks.

Outside of their world, Jaehyun watches.

The way Taeyong glanced at him gets tucked into the back of Jaehyun’s mind. And if there’s something indistinguishable in Jaehyun’s gaze, it gets dashed away by the people coming along to cheer in their ears.

There are rules, but Jaehyun seems to make himself an exception in Doyoung’s life. 

One by one, each rule begins to be crossed off.

jaehyunnie 

i’m coming over

why

just because.

shouldn’t boyfriends spend time with each other?

you can see me at school

and does taeyong only see johnny at school?

has taeyong considered you? how many times has johnny come over and made you retreat to your room?

think of it as payback.

you’re horrible

That’s how Jaehyun ended up in their apartment, face buried into Doyoung’s neck, snickering up a storm. 

Until Taeyong got too unnerved from his usual place by the dining room table and nervously laughed his way across the living room. “You guys have fun. I think I’m gonna go to Johnny’s now.”

That resulted in Jaehyun receiving a beating all over his sculpted body.

_Don’t intrude in Doyoung and Taeyong’s relationship._

A rule Jaehyun makes a habit of breaking regularly, placing himself into their home and their best-friend lunches all the time now.

“This is all your fault! He’s probably at Johnny’s right now.”

“Ouch, stop!” Jaehyun blocks him by bringing his knees up as Doyoung sits criss-crossed. His arrogant grin is back as he rests his long limbs all over Doyoung’s couch. “Oh, stop sulking. Doesn’t that make you feel good? Seeing Taeyong so bothered by us that he has to walk away?”

Doyoung rolls his eyes. “It’s not for the same reasons I do it.” 

Not that it doesn’t make him feel a bit better. It does feel like he gained some justice today.

Jaehyun reaches over and presses down on Doyoung’s chin with his thumb. “You’re putting in so much heart for someone who doesn’t have you in his heart at all.”

Doyoung slaps his hand away, giving him a fierce scowl. “How would you know what’s in Taeyong’s heart?”

Sometimes, there’s a part of Jaehyun that can also be a little mean.

Rather than describing it like that, Doyoung thinks they’re similar in this part of their personality. Just like how Doyoung likes presenting the facts despite the fact that it might hurt someone, Jaehyun is honest about Taeyong to the point of being brash.

It’s this—and the fact that Doyoung can see how his eyes turn darker when Jaehyun touches him and mentions Taeyong. Almost as if he takes joy in taking a toy from someone.

Within a second, Jaehyun flips them over and hovers over Doyoung.

Of all things to say, he chooses, “And do you know what Taeyong’s doing with Johnny right now?” Both his arms come up to bracket either side of Doyoung’s head. “He’s probably touching Taeyong in places you can’t even imagine,” his knee slowly slides up Doyoung’s from thigh to crotch, “while you cry at home waiting for him to come back.”

“You’re such a jerk, Jung Jaehyun,” he sneers as his thighs come up to wrap around Jaehyun’s waist.

Jaehyun muffles a laugh into Doyoung’s neck, nosing down it and ghosting the skin with his lips. “That doesn’t make it untrue.”

“Just get me off, asshole.”

Another chuckle into his collarbone. “Sure thing, your highness.”

If there’s another thing that makes Jaehyun an exception to any of the others Doyoung’s been with, it's his ability to pleasure Doyoung. It’s like he just _knows_ when Doyoung likes something.

Like how Doyoung likes when Jaehyun drags his nail down the skin of his head and he likes it not too wet, a little rough. When Jaehyun’s teeth scrape a bit along his length, he doesn’t mind. Doyoung hisses, “be careful,” but it drifts into a moan halfway.

“Bossy,” Jaehyun mumbles, mouth full of cock, then pops off to suck a harsh bruise into his hip, _“my type,”_ before rising on his knees. 

The heat must be too much because Jaehyun strips his shirt off before unbuttoning and pushing the front of his pants down enough so that he doesn’t have to undress. Doyoung is feeling the same as he sweats in his clothes. Jaehyun takes both of their cocks in his hand—his just as angry red and leaking as Doyoung’s is and the sight is just too much when he fists the slippery heads together.

Doyoung immediately gets lost in the feeling of pleasure, head rolling back and an arm thrown over his face. It’s dirty and _hot._

Doyoung cries out when Jaehyun slips his nail into the slit. He hears Jaehyun curse a deep and quiet _fuck_ among all the slippery sounds, and it sends heat flushing to his gut. _Embarrassing._ He’s pretty sure he just sputtered a bit of precome out just from hearing Jaehyun’s voice.

His vision is flooded with light again when Jaehyun pushes his arm out of his face.

“Hey, Doie,” Jaehyun says in his raspy voice, smirking down at him, “do you think Taeyong knows what we’re doing on his couch?”

 _“Stop,”_ he whines, even as his hips thrust up uncontrollably.

And as if knowing just what to do, Jaehyun tightens his grip and drags his fist over them at an increasingly rough pace. Both of their hips relentlessly chase the feeling, colliding together, twisting from side to side to get just the right angle. Cum leaks from Jaehyun’s fist, spilling down his wrist. Stars burst in front of him and Doyoung can feel his stomach getting splattered with something hot and disgustingly wet.

All of Doyoung’s limbs just give up after that. He fixes his gaze on Jaehyun’s chest heaving up and down, abdomen flexing as he takes deep breaths in and out. _Damn Jaehyun for being so attractive._ Doyoung’s attention drifts off to thinking about how much of Jaehyun’s schedule is probably blocked off at the gym.

That’s when Jaehyun leans over him with a proud expression. His face takes up his entire perspective and it’s close enough to kiss—but they don’t.

“Good luck getting our spunk out of your couch,” he says.

Jaehyun’s laugh booms across the living room as Doyoung’s blush reaches up to his ears.

_Dickhead._

God, he’ll never be able to sit or even look at Taeyong on this couch again.

Despite his twisted game with Doyoung, Jaehyun is everything people say about him. Gentlemanly and generous. They have an arrangement and Doyoung knows Jaehyun’s remarks about Taeyong are just part of their twisted game and it works that way.

Jaehyun asked him out of the blue, hesitant and serious, “You don’t mind, do you? All the things I say about Taeyong?” Jaehyun’s eyes were gleaming and pure, “If it makes it hurt more, I can stop.”

Doyoung stared at him before laughing. He often forgot that Jaehyun was the little brother of his group and he grew up loved and treasured. His upbringing was not in the least like Doyoung’s. Everyone that Jaehyun meets loves him, so it’s natural he throws out comments like that unrestrained. He reads people well enough to know the line.

“No, I don’t mind. It’s better that way,” Doyoung said with a bitter smile.

That way Doyoung is always reminded of what exactly they are. Doyoung stays on one side and Jaehyun stays on the other.

They say that girls date bad boys for a reason. That seeing them be mean to others but treat them nice only makes those moments more precious. Doyoung thinks he understands that a bit. Maybe he likes it when Jaehyun can be a little mean even though he has the heart to say no.

He can be reminded that Jaehyun isn’t here to be his boyfriend. He’s the distraction. Johnny’s best friend. The reminder that Taeyong is the vine around his heart that won’t let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after two months of writing... fwb dojae is making her appearance,,, you're in for a ride
> 
> pspspspspsps please leave a **comment** / **kudos**!! ehehehe A ◡ A  
> [the playlist !!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4M6s2YryEbMxxtBcvsZeLN?si=sG2KgeViS8qgE5LwvltBNA)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/iridesense) / [twt](https://twitter.com/iridesense_) / [tumblr](https://luvescene.tumblr.com/)  
> 


	2. i knew it would hurt me, but i wanted it anyway

The first thing Doyoung sees in the morning is Taeyong frowning.

“Did you pull an all nighter again?”

Doyoung rubs the sleep out of his eyes. All his limbs are sore from where he slumped against the couch.

“Exams are soon. You know how group projects get,” Doyoung says. He stretches and sighs at the cracking of his back. His laptop blinks back on with his movement.

“I made breakfast for you,” Taeyong says while texting. He has that stupid smile on his face that tells him it’s Johnny he’s texting. He turns back to Doyoung who blinks blankly at him. “It’s just toast and hard boiled eggs since I have to get to campus early.”

Taeyong then flits around the living room, gathering things and haphazardly throwing them into the front pocket.

“Thanks,” he mumbles.

The door is already slamming behind him before Doyoung can say anymore.

He looks at the clock. 7:10AM. One more hour before submission closes. Doyoung inwardly sighs.

A few nights later, Doyoung comes back in the early morning to find Taeyong passed out on the couch and large canvases splayed on the floor. It looks like he was planning again. Taeyong may nag him over his own studying habits, but he never thinks the same when it comes to his own work.

To Doyoung, they’re both the same. Taeyong is passionate about art. Doyoung is passionate about chemistry.

Doyoung sighs. He just drags a pillow under Taeyong’s head and drapes a blanket over him. He knows well enough not to try to move him because Taeyong likes waking up fresh from the ideas in his dreams and pouring those ideas straight into his art first thing in the morning.

Doyoung just plants himself into his bed, head already buzzing from the alarm that will beep four hours from now. The sounds of rain pitter-pattering onto his window lull him into sleep.

The last thought in his mind is that spring is here. He should probably get that umbrella out soon.

jaehyunnie 

im up to my head in revising

i could probably recite formulas in my sleep

same

physics is kicking my ass and i think i have a kink in my neck from bending over trying to understand my textbook

where did you park?

west parking lot by the science building

why?

you have a 30min break after chem right?

hyung... 

you’re more adventurous than i thought

The day of Taeyong’s final project and Doyoung’s last exam, Taeyong sings the whole morning. He even chooses his outfit with careful detail to accessories matching the designs on his jacket.

They share earphones during the bus ride and Taeyong swings his legs happily too.

Doyoung helps him get his canvases out the door, taking care not to let them touch the wet ground. It smells like petrichor all over.

“All I have to do is get this approved and I’ll be finished! No more pulling my hair out over lines that look weird!”

Taeyong’s smile makes all the stress melt from Doyoung’s body.

“Me too. Last exam today.”

Taeyong makes an excited noise as he brings Doyoung in for a hug. “Happy for us. We should celebrate later,” he says as he pulls back and struggles with the objects in his hands.

“Mm,” Doyoung hums in agreement. He doesn’t have much energy to do anything else but he is giddy on the inside.

“You’re going to see my face so much you’ll be sick of it later.”

Doyoung chuckles, calling out a small _bye_ at Taeyong's excited bobbing head growing smaller as they part ways to their respective buildings.

During Doyoung’s exam, his brain is rattled with all sorts of information. It’s a long exam that has only five questions. Doyoung hates these sorts of exams but they also challenge him a lot more. He hates the thought that he might make a bad grade by the tiniest thing, so he writes every step down to the littlest detail just in case so he doesn’t miss anything.

The exam duration runs fast and when he hands in his paper, he’s one of the last six in the room. It feels a little bit like defeat that Doyoung took so long, but he hopes that maybe it’s a sign he’ll get a perfect score.

Doyoung sulks as he makes his way from off campus to buy something. He doesn't want to face Taeyong with such a downbeat mood, so he repeats to himself that he'll fret over his results later.

For now, he walks to the design department with fast strides, a box in one hand with a small cake inside.

The students in Taeyong’s usual class lingers down the halls.

Doyoung looks for that small head of jet black hair and little embroidered suns on the jacket Taeyong wore today. Worry occupies his mind as he wonders if he came a little too late. He spent more time revising his test than usual so he couldn’t be early enough.

“Oh hey, Doyoung. You still here?”

Doyoung turns to see Ten walking up to him. “Hey Ten. Is Taeyong inside?”

Ten quirks his head. “Taeyong left a long time ago,” he says, blinking curiously at him. “He left in a hurry too saying he’s got a celebratory date with his _love._ Ugh, puke.” 

He has a lot of audacity saying that like he wasn't seething whenever girls tried asking for Kun's number at the bar.

“Oh.”

Ten must find his expression odd because he slaps Doyoung on the chest and says, “Don’t be too down, buddy. It’s not like you’ve lost him forever. You’ll see him at home.”

But Doyoung can’t help but feeling like a rock was dropped onto his chest.

Ten doesn’t know. It feels a lot like he has lost.

Soon, maybe Taeyong won’t even need him anymore. Not to water his plants because he forgets to do that but never forgets to wipe down the tables every morning or make his bed. Not to remind him of stupid things like _stop putting your painted jeans in the wash_ or to save him coloring pages from restaurants.

He was looking forward to spending some time with Taeyong after such a long stressful week, relax with a good best friend day. Only to find out that Taeyong is running off to see Johnny with the first free time he has.

It makes sense.

Maybe it’s just the accompanying rain, but it makes him feel even more miserable as he walks through campus. He was so frantic this morning, collecting his study materials, that he forgot to take his umbrella out from drying. 

He’s usually not so unprepared but it makes sense to add to a shit day. Ah, he hates it so much when his socks get wet.

“Hyung.”

Doyoung tears away from miserably staring at his sopping shoes to look up. 

In front of him stands a shocked Jaehyun, illuminated under a very yellow umbrella. “You’re all wet,” he says and closes the distance so that Doyoung is shielded from the rain. His eyes flutter across Doyoung’s soaked shoulders.

“What are you doing here?” comes out of Doyoung’s mouth. It’s all he can say with his muddled mind.

“I came over to ask Johnny if he wanted to go bowling. He said he had plans with Taeyong.”

What Doyoung expects is a scolding, perhaps a few more sarcastic remarks, but none of that happens. What does happen is Jaehyun pulling him aside, leading him away to dry off. He makes sure Doyoung is protected under his umbrella as they walk, his spindly fingers wrapped all along Doyoung’s wrist.

“Where’d you get this thing?” Doyoung mumbles, touching over the nylon yellow underside of the umbrella. It’s a sunflower, he realizes. A very large and golden sunflower is on the top, draping over them.

“It was part of a buy one, get one free pack,” Jaehyun beams, his shoulders painted in the yellow glow.

Doyoung lets out a short, dry laugh. What a ridiculous umbrella that makes Jaehyun stand out in this cloudy, dreary backdrop. It suits him. 

They end up in the student union, on the second floor where it’s deadly silent from the lack of people and the heaters here work only half of the time. _But at least it’s away from the rain,_ Jaehyun said. 

Doyoung watches from the windowsill as Jaehyun’s sunflower umbrella darts through the parking lot after he told Doyoung _wait, I’ll get some dry clothes for you. I have an extra sweater in my car._

It all feels like a quick and quiet blur. Doyoung follows it with a numbness in his chest.

He wonders if he deserves this. Jaehyun is so nice to him and it feels good to have someone worry about him after he’s done nothing but look after himself these few weeks. But does he deserve it? Isn't he just a selfish person wishing their best friend would be heartbroken and look his way instead?

Lost in his thoughts, he realizes he’s been blanking for quite a while.

The paper box with the cake inside has become wet cardboard by now. What was once white has gone completely gray from being exposed to the rain. It looks like a miserable mess and the inside is probably ruined.

Without warning, Doyoung bursts into tears.

He tries to stifle the noise by burying his face into his sleeve, but the tears just won't stop. 

What kind of sign was he waiting for? Is it not enough for him already?

Doyoung gets it—god, he gets it. Just make the hurt stop.

In his crying, he doesn’t even hear the panicked squeak of sneakers across the floor.

“Hyung!” Jaehyun pries his hand away from his face and he frantically asks, “What is it? Are you hurt? Why are you crying?”

“Th-the...cake...” is all Doyoung can sputter through his tears.

He doesn’t get to finish the sentence as Jaehyun whips his head down to the sagging box and frowns. “This? Oh, hyung...” he says tenderly.

With careful fingers, he peels the cardboard opening back and pulls out the cake. The top is mushed, frosting sticking in different directions and crumbling on the side from where the box caved in.

“It’s still edible though.” Without even using the given fork, Jaehyun swipes a finger through the salvageable mess and sticks it into his mouth. “Mm,” he nods, “strawberry. My favorite.”

Doyoung stares at him. Jaehyun is smiling while licking his lips. The cake that he bought for Taeyong. It’s Jaehyun’s favorite flavor.

“If you’re so upset about it, I can just buy you another one,” Jaehyun says. “There’s a lot of bakeries near here.”

That weedles the tiniest of chuckles out of Doyoung. He just shakes his head.

“Oh, right.” Jaehyun hands him the turtleneck sweater that had been thrown on the window sill haphazardly. “Sorry I don’t have anything else.”

“I don’t mind.”

Doyoung changes quickly and comes shuffling out of the bathroom, wet clothes in hand, a little embarrassed because of how the fabric is a bit thin around his shoulders where he’s broader than Jaehyun is. It might stretch out, he worries.

“You look good in it,” Jaehyun grins with crumbs along his lips.

Doyoung tries hard to not blush, instead pivoting to Jaehyun’s messy habits. “The cake is almost gone! Are you a one-bite eater?”

They end up squabbling over the one fork, pushing at each other’s hands and stabbing at the cake in different places. Doyoung gives into small, quiet laughter as they take turns pushing the fork around. He felt momentarily lighter—and that’s when he sees them through the window.

The clatter of the plastic fork echoes when his hand goes slack.

He stops laughing so abruptly, Jaehyun makes a noise of confusion and turns to where he’s staring down at.

The room goes so much colder than Doyoung thought possible. It’s already chilly, but Doyoung can feel his bones rattling when he sees Taeyong through the window, walking with Johnny to his car.

Johnny opens the door for him and Taeyong looks up at him, smiling so brightly. Under the neon of the same sunflower umbrella as Jaehyun’s, Doyoung can see the happiness on his face so clearly.

Pain bubbles back up to the surface.

“Hyung.”

Ah. But didn’t he already know? Taeyong was with Johnny this whole time.

“Hyung, look at me.”

Doyoung is the best friend, not the boyfriend. He can’t make Taeyong smile like that, rosy-cheeked, lovesick—his vision spins and all he can see is Jaehyun looking at him with a deep frown.

“Doyoung.” 

The tips of Jaehyun’s fingers are cold against his cheek. “It hurts,” he whispers.

“I know,” Jaehyun says quietly. His thumb brushes under his eyes. “You’re crying again.”

They shuffle for a second as Jaehyun steps forward and Doyoung’s legs are hesitant but he stays put. Taeyong and Johnny are right there, down there, outside. Through his blurry eyes, Jaehyun keeps cradling his face in his palm, until his face gets closer and closer—and they’re kissing.

It’s barely bruising unlike all of Jaehyun’s other touches. The touch is gentle and unburdensome. Their mouths slot together perfectly in a short encounter before Jaehyun pulls back.

His eyes are light, saying, _just look at me._

Doyoung pulls him forward.

He could push Jaehyun away. He could, but he doesn't because it’s so warm in Jaehyun’s embrace. Even through the droplets dripping from Doyoung’s wet hair onto their shirts, Doyoung can’t pay much mind. Doyoung can only feel warmth, not just his skin or his temperature, he feels wanted.

Briefly, he can smell the scent on Jaehyun’s clothes. It lingers in the air around them, a unique scent of something bitter trying to disguise itself by being artificially sweet. _Oh._ For a second, something in Doyoung’s memory flickers and he might recognize the scent—but then the thought is gone, dispersed by the slide of Jaehyun’s tongue curling along his.

The both of them become entangled in each other, silent to the world, concentrating only on their mouths brushing against each other over and over, until the softness wears away and they both wear red on their lips.

_No kissing._

Jaehyun crossed off another rule and they both stepped closer to the line that separates them.

There are things that Doyoung thinks about at night. The ones that keep him up. The memories that he replays when the moon is high, the yellow of his lamp shades against his ceilings and all Doyoung can do is think about the memories that make his body sink into the mattress, heavy with all the emotions building in him like a crescendo.

He remembers walking into a classroom and his peers’ blurry faces. The room hushed and they all turned to him. He can’t make out what expressions they have anymore. It’s like his mind has erased it to protect him, but he remembers the feeling. The complete disgust flooding his body, like waves crashing into a rocky cliff.

As he walked through the hallway, people glanced and they shuffled away, scurrying out of his way like he was a disease. They whispered, filling Doyoung’s ears to the brim in incessant words of humiliation.

Taeyong is the main character in his memories. His deathly pale skin as he waited for Doyoung in his seat, looking straight ahead in the sunlight-flooded classroom. Even then, he was untouchable, but sometimes, looked so sickly. Otherworldly. His silence was arrogance to them, but Doyoung knew it as fear and anxiety.

He sneered at them all. The boys that harassed him in front of the classroom and the figures that watched.

The one that keeps him awake the most is the memory of Yuta’s head, bobbing out of view behind the group of tormentors. How easily he watched and turned away from the sight.

He keeps these memories in a locked box inside his mind. He can't forget. And sometimes, he doesn't even try to. 

These memories keep him tethered to Taeyong. A memory of the pair of teenagers walk together down a street in their hometown.

Johnny hums to himself in the kitchen, looking like a happy little house husband as he puts the candles on the cake of their whatever _th_ -day anniversary. There’s too many celebratory couple days to count. Taeyong is a romantic that likes celebrating all of them. 

Johnny brought the cake all bare and pathetic-looking and frantically told Doyoung to help him put the frosting on. His hands are too big and Doyoung has more stable ones, he said. It’s so goofy that it almost makes Doyoung laugh. Johnny has really made himself a space in Taeyong and Doyoung’s lives. 

His backside looks tall and reliable from where Doyoung is standing in the doorway of their kitchen.

Is this what Taeyong sees?

Doyoung remembers a time when Taeyong started walking around with Johnny on campus. Johnny normally looks like a happy, big dolt when he’s strolling or talking. There’s always this hint of a smile on his face. But as always, Taeyong is the star of wherever they go. He is a popular face around the design department.

So when their dating rumors surfaced, people began to oogling at Taeyong a lot more. That’s when Johnny went around campus with a straight expression while holding Taeyong’s hand.

It was the only time Doyoung has ever seen Johnny with a mean face.

He looked really intimidating back then, considering he towered over most people and when he’s not smiling, his eyes seem so deadly. The stare Johnny had could strike a man onto his knees if he had even glanced their way with suspicious intentions.

“Don’t hurt him.”

Johnny startles and whips back to where Doyoung is standing. “Huh?”

“I said _don’t hurt him._ I realized I never gave you an official warning.”

Doyoung pushes off the wall to step closer. In three steps, he’s standing right in front of Johnny.

The man is nearly a whole half a head taller than him, not to mention bigger. Hell, if Jaehyun can pin him down with just a few more muscles than Doyoung, then Johnny could probably knock him out.

But that has never mattered to Doyoung. Not when Taeyong was involved.

“You know, a kid once stopped Taeyong from going into his classroom. He did that everyday until I grew so irritated that I sent him to hospital. He had to use crutches for a month.”

Johnny seems shocked into silence. Loose frosting slides down his elbow.

“If you so much as make him cry,” Doyoung warns, “just know that I wouldn’t mind spending a few days in jail.”

A cheesy expression washes over Johnny’s face.

Doyoung reels back. “Don’t—”

“Doie, are you accepting me?” he squeals.

Doyoung can’t believe the man who regularly smacks his forehead on their door frame is trying to give him a bear hug. “Who are you calling Doie? I’m leaving,” he huffs. “I have to meet Jaehyun. Happy something-th day anniversary.”

Johnny looks like a swaying bean stalk as he waves Doyoung goodbye.

In a private corner of a restaurant, Doyoung grumbles his way through dinner with Jaehyun. 

In the back of his mind, he imagines something else. His heart is clearly not into the conversation as Jaehyun talks about how gross some of the videos his professors showing him are. Human bodies and disease and whatnot. Doyoung responds in _hms_ and sometimes throws in a “oh, I know, these chemical compositions are killing my brain cells” for every complaint they have about their work.

But Doyoung is miles away in reality. He thinks of how Johnny is probably cutting up the cake all nice for Taeyong and maybe they’ll listen to those cheesy playlists he makes and Taeyong will smile, all lit up and rosy. Doyoung calls for more soju then.

“Two more bottles please,” Doyoung calls when he’s finished with the first bottle. “You drink too,” he points to Jaehyun’s empty shot glass. He might as well make a night of it.

Jaehyun doesn’t stop Doyoung each time he reaches for the bottle. But his expression doesn’t lighten up as the small pauses continue over his ongoing conversation when Doyoung places the glass to his lips.

Three glasses turns into four and Jaehyun wordlessly puts the fried octopus into Doyoung’s plate.

Doyoung’s chopsticks drop calamari into Jaehyun’s plate each time Jaehyun tries to feed him. It doesn’t feel like something being reciprocated but rather a reminder _don’t be so kind to me._

“So what happened to the mistress in the latest episode?” Jaehyun pivots casually.

Doyoung groans and points his chopsticks at him. “You would know if you watched it.”

Jaehyun grins, “I like your recaps better.”

Doyoung launches into a long tirade about how horrible all the protagonists are and soon, after the calamari is all gone, Jaehyun is asking for some water. It's not for him. 

They leave not long after, leaving empty green bottles, half empty plates, and emptied wallets. The weather these days is getting humid, even when the sun has set. Doyoung sways slightly, but he won’t admit that he’s drunk.

“Careful!” Jaehyun grabs him by the arm when he careens dangerously off the sidewalk.

“I can walk!” Doyoung shoots up and marches onward. 

The streets are alive with university students roaming around the shops for food and shopping. But it’s still relatively quiet, not crowded and loud.

“I think anybody would have trouble walking if they drank four bottles of soju,” Jaehyun says. He slides his hand down to hold onto Doyoung’s wrist. He acts like an anchor to keep Doyoung with him.

Doyoung grunts but he lets it happen. “My alcohol tolerance is just as good as yours,” he refutes.

“Yeah, yeah, but you usually don’t drink this much. Do—” He’s jerked to the left as they walk into a rather quiet residential street. He frowns as Doyoung holds tightly onto his hand down the street.

Doyoung marches forward. After a moment, he says quietly, “Today is Johnny and Taeyong’s anniversary,” as if it were an observation.

“I know.” Jaehyun follows him with careful steps. “Johnny wouldn’t stop sending me excited emojis.”

“It came by so quickly,” he says contemplatively, steps slowing down. “How long do you think they’ll last?”

Jaehyun comes to a halt. “Hyung.”

“I know,” Doyoung stops too. The yellow street lights flicker above them and somewhere far away, a car drives by, its engine rumbling along the quiet residential street. Doyoung’s back looks so lonely from where Jaehyun is standing. “—but I can’t help it. It’s not like I want Taeyong to be unhappy, but when I look at them, I can feel him slipping away.”

Jaehyun squeezes Doyoung’s hand as a reminder. He’s the one who grabbed him first. He’s the one who’s still holding on.

Doyoung turns to him. “I know that they’ll last,” he says with eyes that reflect the deep amber lights just like how it cast a shadow on his back. “You said that before in the very beginning. I know Taeyong will have a second anniversary with him, then a third, a fourth. Eventually, he’ll move out and get married to Johnny too. Taeyong is the type to want kids—”

“Doyoung, he’s not leaving you.”

The emotion-filled expression on Doyoung’s face is wiped over, blank, like the calm surface of the shore before a tsunami hits. “But he is. They all leave in the end.”

Jaehyun’s brows slant down frustratedly, even hurt. “Why do you say that?”

How uncharacteristic. Just who's side are you on right now, Jung Jaehyun? When Doyoung's bruised heart needed soothing, he's like a cool balm. Yet when Doyoung's irrational, Jaehyun is so reasonably brutal with his words.

“People are like that. Fickle. Human growth, right? You can spend ten years with a person and they can decide one day, they don’t want you anymore.”

Jaehyun pulls their dangling hands closer to him, tugging by mere inches. “But you said it yourself. You two are different. You said that Taeyong felt like your soulmate. When you met..”

“—it was like a fated chance,” Doyoung finishes. He murmurs quietly, “Yeah.. what if I’m the only one who feels that way though? I...” he looks on the brink of collapsing into tears, “I don’t know what I’d do without him.”

Jaehyun is quiet for a moment, absorbing Doyoung’s words. His eyes are soft as they take in Doyoung’s wilting form, but then his eyes return resolute.

“You’re not the only one,” Jaehyun says firmly. “Taeyong needs you the way you need him.”

Doyoung peers at him, eyes searching. “How are you sure?” 

He almost wants to laugh. He likes to think he is a good judge of character like Jaehyun, but these days, he finds that he’s not so sure of himself anymore. The person he knew so well, more than anyone else in the world—Doyoung made the wrong judgement about him.

“When we walk together,” Jaehyun begins, lapping his fingertips across Doyoung’s knuckles, “Taeyong holds onto Johnny with one hand but he always wants you to walk on his other side. When we sit together, he always wants to either sit across from you or next to you. He may look at Johnny first now, but he always searches for your face second.” Jaehyun squeezes his hand and similarly, tightening his words around Doyoung’s heart. “No one else, Doyoung. No one matters to him like you do.”

These comforting words are about Taeyong, but why does it feel like Jaehyun’s saying something a bit more?

Doyoung presses his lips together. “You say weird things, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun gives a small smile, dimples barely forming. “Am I wrong? You know him better than I do.”

He knows he’s not. The haze over Jaehyun’s eyes appear, the one that delights in talking him down.

It feels like a jab at Doyoung, straight into his esophagus. Jaehyun reads people too well, almost like he sees the way Taeyong and Doyoung are different and a bit more. 

Taeyong always comes back to him. He is always at Doyoung’s side. That wouldn’t be fair to Johnny, would it?

He's trying so hard not to hope anymore.

Instead of answering him, Doyoung curls a hand around Jaehyun’s nape. “You’re kind of cruel, Jaehyunie,” he says while petting at the short hairs on his neck. He loops Jaehyun in and lets their mouths meet roughly.

It tastes like the bitter alcohol they had with bits of salty remains still on their taste buds. Doyoung can't get enough.

They kiss under deep honey streetlights flooding the curb. Their tongues slip against each other’s, taking turns to lick and explore each crevice. Quiet slick sounds of their mouths meeting, lips smacking together repeatedly ring in their ears.

For the first time in a week, Doyoung smells it again. This deep sweet scent buried under something scorched. He can’t put his finger on it, but it’s a bit repelling yet addictive. It’s not always there but Doyoung can smell it when he’s like this, pressed up against Jaehyun for a long time to take his scent in.

“Let’s go to your place,” Doyoung breathes out when they pull away.

Jaehyun nods and lets Doyoung take the lead, legs marching ahead of him. 

“You should know,” before Doyoung gets a few steps forward, Jaehyun speaks out in a very level tone matching the silent street, “meeting you was like that for me,” Doyoung’s steps slow, “—a fated chance.”

Doyoung stumbles momentarily before walking on. 

_That sounds like a conf—_ Doyoung clears the thought away.

He tries hard not to think about what Jaehyun is trying to insinuate too much.

That night, Doyoung tells him _don't be kind. Make me forget._ He wants Jaehyun everywhere, to make everything disappear for the night. Jaehyun's lips travel all over Doyoung’s skin and leave deep marks of red like little scars. 

He plants Doyoung on his dresser first, with Doyoung’s shirt bunched up at the elbows and one pant leg hanging barely onto an ankle. He makes Doyoung unravel with his tongue. Jaehyun is talented with his mouth and not just his words. 

Then he bends Doyoung over on the edge of his bed, groaning loudly while he fucks deep and fast into Doyoung. 

It's not gentle, it's not loving, and it's not warm. That is for sure with the way Jaehyun's belt clinks every time his hips meet Doyoung’s ass. But it is hot. 

It's pleasurable and makes Doyoung's mind melt away from how deep Jaehyun can go. No room for other thoughts or worries. 

Jaehyun is good at making him forget. 

Doyoung doesn’t remember why he’s over at Jaehyun’s in the first place until he wakes up with his back sore and five long messages from Taeyong about how the celebration went.

The way they met was mundane. Peculiar. But nothing too out of the ordinary.

Doyoung was at the library. He needed a reference guide to finish his report. 

While searching for the book, his ears just managed to pick up a male’s voice who sounded more like he was arguing than having a flirty back and forth with a girl. Through the shelves, he spotted the couple on the other side. A male of his height was combing the shelves for books and a girl on his left, pestering him.

“But Jaehyun, I heard you got one of the top scores in the last exam. You must have some tips, right?”

Doyoung had heard about the popular medicine student, Jung Jaehyun, a year below him who had received many confessions. People who looked like that would never be left alone. Just like Taeyong.

He looked down at the book number and sighed as he walked into their aisle. Casually, he plucked his needed book off the shelf.

“I think he said no about three times already. If you can’t even study by yourself at this point, how did you even pass the admissions test?” Doyoung wrapped his hand around Jaehyun’s arm and watched as the girl’s eyes bugged out of her head. “Now if you could please leave my boyfriend alone. He may be smart, but he’s actually a hard worker.”

It was satisfying seeing the girl walk away. He knew that back so well. A walk of embarrassment after being rebuked.

In person, Jaehyun was quite handsome. Doyoung knew why people didn’t leave him alone. 

When Jaehyun grinned, he had dimples. “So... boyfriend?” he teased.

“It got rid of her, right?” 

But momentarily, Doyoung could see it backfiring. The same way it did for Taeyong when he didn’t give the responses other people wanted. When they were rejected, they would come back stronger, questioning and scouring for lies and weaknesses. 

“Oh no,” Doyoung gasped and put a hand up over his mouth, “what if she goes and tells other people? She really won’t back down after finding out it’s a lie.”

“No, it’s okay! I’ll just bluff if she snoops around. I don’t care really. It got rid of her anyhow.” Jaehyun looked down at the book Doyoung held and reached for it. “Thanks for helping,” he said.

But Doyoung pulled back. “Oh, no, I actually need this,” he apologized with a smile.

Jaehyun seemed shocked. It was quite cute, Doyoung had thought at the time. He couldn’t see the harm in playing around with an underclassman in his department.

“Consider it payment. Now we’re even.” Doyoung walked down the aisle, waving the book at him, teasing Jaehyun just as Jaehyun teased him. “See you around... boyfriend.”

Jaehyun called it their fated chance. 

Perhaps it was a weird coincidence that Doyoung used the boyfriend lie to help Jaehyun and a few months later, Jaehyun had used the same boyfriend lie to help Doyoung.

But for Doyoung, meeting Taeyong was like a shift in his world. 

Jaehyun is confident. He lives how he wants and doesn’t mind other people. He’s never had any tumultuous life troubles. It’s only been two months since they've become entangled in this lie.

So how could Doyoung possibly be _that_ for Jaehyun?

Doyoung eventually finds out what that smell from Jaehyun’s clothes was.

Jaehyun was adamant in accompanying Doyoung as he studied at the library. Considering Jaehyun is also in the medicine department, they both spend a lot of their time with their heads buried in books.

Doyoung can admit, in the pauses that he takes flipping the page of his workbook or shuffling between papers, he takes a peek at Jaehyun. He’s fully aware of his attraction to Jaehyun, or else he wouldn’t be so eager to do nasty things with him while he still harbors a crush on Taeyong. 

Studious Jaehyun is a different look. Seeing someone concentrated and deep into their work has its special sort of charm. His eyes narrow, giving him a cloak of coldness to his usually kind expression as he furiously writes his notes. 

Plus, Jaehyun looks cute with his glasses on.

Besides that, Doyoung found that Jaehyun has a pattern of taking breaks when he got more and more tired. Like when his attention would become dazed, his writing would eventually slow and the face of concentration would fade. Instead, his brows knit together and he’d give a groan, rubbing the bridge of his nose. He’d throw his glasses down before pushing out of his chair, mumbling a quiet _I’m taking a break._ Then, he’d disappear for a period of time.

Doyoung tries to ignore it, but during the time that Jaehyun is gone, he’d left his phone at the table. It’s been buzzing for a while now and is distracting him. Doyoung is not one to snoop on others, so what if it was important? He eventually decides to bring it outside.

That’s when he catches Jaehyun red-handed.

“You smoke?”

Doyoung must be gaping right now. He always thought Jaehyun was the perfect guy, role-model, but maybe he does have a weakness. Here he is, huddled in the back corner of the library with a cigarette between his index and middle finger. 

A plume of smoke comes from Jaehyun’s lips as he tries to smile. Guilty as charged. Jaehyun clears his throat, mashing the butt of the cigarette against the wall. 

“Yeah,” he admits with guilt in his voice. “It’s just a bad habit I got from high school. Stress and all.”

 _That’s illegal,_ Doyoung thinks. He tries to imagine Jaehyun in his high school uniform, hiding out in some corner just like this, bumming a cigarette with other unsavory students. The image is mind-boggling.

Instead of addressing that, he just asks, “Stress?”

Jaehyun chuckles. “Well, acing the entrance exam wasn’t a walk in the park exactly.”

“And are you stressed now? Your exams are hard?”

“No,” Jaehyun shakes his head, folding in like he’s still trying to conceal the cigarette from Doyoung’s view. It’s no use. Doyoung’s already seen it anyway. “I mean exams are always hard, but that's not why I smoke. I just got _itchy._ It’s a bad habit.”

Doyoung hates to admit it but Jaehyun did look quite sexy with a cigarette in between his fingers and smoke coming from his lips. With his black denim jacket and beanie, a cigarette fit right in the look. Like a juvenile. 

God. He has absolutely no control over himself when it comes to Jaehyun’s pretty face.

“Well, stop. You taste like an ash tray.”

Jaehyun gives another guilty chuckle. “You seem to like it though. I catch you sniffing me sometimes when we’re hugging.”

Doyoung stammers, “That’s just because I was trying to find out what the smell was!” In a flurry, he pushes Jaehyun’s phone into his chest. “Also your phone was lighting up and it was distracting. Hurry up and come inside before you catch a cold.”

He tries to turn back but is caught by Jaehyun’s hand pulling his wrist towards him. Jaehyun’s head swoops down to catch Doyoung in an unexpected kiss. 

The taste is stronger than ever, more bitter than anything as Doyoung winces against Jaehyun’s mouth. He realizes belatedly that Jaehyun must have never smoked before meeting with Doyoung. The flavor in his mouth is truly disgusting, but Jaehyun seems to get a kick out of his reaction based on his smile into the kiss. 

“Gross,” he says when they separate with a wet pop.

Jaehyun grins. “Last time. Promise.”

“Enjoying the view?”

Yuta comes up to him and sits beside him on one of the cushioned seats in the sky bridge interconnecting their buildings. Doyoung just lets him.

Yuta is in nursing, the same medicine department. Perhaps, in the past, they may have just passed each other on campus or in the hallways and not noticed. But now that Doyoung was aware of Yuta and Yuta was aware of him, that long-haired head bobbing in the crowd was much more noticeable.

“What are you doing?”

Doyoung hums, sipping on his ginger tea Taeyong pushed at him this morning. “People-watching,” he says while looking down at some students walking past them. Some walked by themselves, others in pairs, others in groups.

Doyoung nods to the pair by the bush. One girl who was stopped by another male student. “What do you think their relationship is?”

Yuta shrugs. “Probably friends. She saw him and he really wanted to say hi. He might like her.”

“Or maybe he’s one of those pesky student activists stopping you for a survey.” The more Doyoung stares at her wary expression, the more he gets a feeling they don’t know each other.

Yuta hums, agreeing as they watch the female student back up a bit and walk away quickly. “You used to do this a lot in high school too.”

“It’s a lot more fun now.”

Doyoung thought it was a rather lonely hobby until Jaehyun pointed out that he did it too. Jaehyun thought it was fun. He said it was like peering into a storybook that you created, sometimes like playing detective or a guessing game.

“Is it?” Yuta says with that teasing grin of his. “The Doyoung I knew would just sit and look out the window like a dead person during breaks. Were you always playing these mind games in class?”

“The Doyoung you knew?” Doyoung asks icily, “Since when did we know each other? We barely looked at each other and we were in the same class for a year.”

Yuta’s grin freezes. “That’s—I didn’t mean it like that. I know some of the kids... a lot of them made things hard for you guys. I’m sorry.”

“It wasn’t your fault. Don’t apologize.”

“I still feel like I should apologize. I just...” Yuta begins to wipe his hands down his lap, “I was young. I could’ve stopped them.”

Doyoung thinks of a time in the hallway when Taeyong’s bullies blocked the door. They taunted the pair with their smug grins, snickers trickling out of their mouths like they were having the time of their lives. Doyoung had to slam his umbrella against the door handle to scare some of them away, lest they be impaled on the metal end. 

_Oh, sorry am I in your way?_ one of them would say. 

He remembers Yuta’s head ducking in and out from behind the boys’ figures. He had just come up from the stairs, now staring at the commotion in front of him. His features twisted in with distress.

The face Yuta made as he turned away always haunted Doyoung. 

Doyoung was the one being bullied, but why was Yuta looking like he was the one in pain? _You watched and you did nothing. Why do you look at me like that?_

He couldn’t think of it without nausea bubbling in his stomach.

Doyoung sighs, “Children can be cruel. What is there to say? The past is the past.”

Yuta lowers his head still. “That’s not an excuse.”

Doyoung turns to him, really looking at him now. He’s seen a lot of faces of Yuta in these few months.

The one who is passionate about soccer so much that he turns red when talking about his favorite teams. The one who swears up and down, a million times that he’s going to marry Sicheng when he’s blackout drunk. The one that can be so annoying to the point of being like Ten, pushy and rude.

“Sicheng told me that your family history is.. complicated,” Doyoung tries not to dig too deep into his own words for a fear of alighting old memories, “and that’s why you haven’t been back to Japan in years.”

Yuta murmurs out a weak _yeah._

Doyoung leans back, continuing, “And it’s not like you don’t know how things were in my family. With the small town that we came from.”

After a moment, Yuta nods despondently.

“You were always happy when we were in the classroom. I kind of hated you sometimes. What was there to laugh so loudly about? You looked dumb. But I was just in my head then. I hated seeing people smile so much when I couldn’t,” Doyoung admits, slumping his shoulders. “I didn’t know about you. We just never know what a person is going through. People are selfish like that. We only look out for ourselves.”

Yuta’s expression is still pensive. “That feels too easy. Shouldn’t you hate me more?” His face cringes in disgust, apparent that it’s in himself as his feet point inwards like he’s curling into himself. “Because I do. Sometimes, I see the way you are with us and it still feels like that—like you’re a world away. Not because you want to be but because we made you like that.”

“No one _made_ me like that,” Doyoung says harshly. “I’ve put it in the past. What’s left with Taeyong and I are just bad memories.”

He knows it’s not necessarily true, but what is he to do except try to gain control? If he doesn’t have that, he doesn’t have anything. Doyoung takes a deep breath, feeling the tension fade from his clenched knuckles. He had decided this a long time ago, when he left that small town and moved here with Taeyong, that he was leaving all the old and bitter memories behind.

“When I forgive you, I’m doing it for myself, Yuta. So I can move on. I suggest you do the same. For yourself. If you can’t..” Doyoung chuckles, “well, go try to break your leg. Maybe it’ll be my payment.”

Yuta’s laugh follows his in the same form. It feels like a breath of fresh air for both of them.

When Yuta brings his head back up, his eyes are glistening. “You were always the braver one of the two. I remember you broke Hwanhee’s knee with your umbrella,” he laughs, “He came back to school in a brace because you gave him a hairline fracture!”

“That hasn’t changed. I’d still do the same now,” Doyoung bites back teasingly.

They laugh again and sit for a while just looking out the glass walls again. Yuta’s sneakers squeak on the ground as he hesitates on something. 

“Are you still..” Yuta begins, then ends sighing, “of course you are.”

“Am I what?”

“Still in love with Taeyong.”

Doyoung’s fingers clench on the cushion edge. “What do you mean?”

There’s a sullen expression on Yuta’s face, almost as if he’s disappointed or asking Doyoung if he looks stupid. “I’m not surprised. It’s always been the two of you. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out. They way you look at him and the way he looks at you. And especially because neither of your relationships in high school worked out.”

Doyoung clams up. Yuta is Johnny and Jaehyun's friend. Although Doyoung knew Yuta first, the longest, it doesn’t mean they’re close like Yuta is with them.

“Taeyong doesn’t like me,” he says firmly.

This Doyoung knows. For him, it's a fact.

Yuta arches a brow, as if that was dubious. “Forget it,” he sighs, “I was just asking because I was curious. That’s all. You seem like you changed a lot. Some things still don’t though, in the end.”

Something in Doyoung trembles at Yuta’s last sentence. It sounds foreboding, like a cage seizing on him. “Do the others know?”

“No.” Yuta slouches back against the wall. “It's obvious you guys look weird to other people. Everyone knows you guys have an inseparable bond. Sometimes, it looks like...” his eyes wanders off, pondering the right words, “like no one can enter your world. But the others aren’t me. I saw what happened during high school so...” he shrugs again nonchalantly, “you’ve just always looked at Taeyong like that so I knew.”

Doyoung exhales shakily. “You’re not gonna say anything about Jaehyun?”

Yuta doesn’t even glance at him, even snorting. “What is there to say. If I know, then Jaehyun definitely knows. His eyes are always on you wherever you are.”

No wonder a no-nonsense person like Sicheng is dating Yuta. He thought Sicheng was too direct and a bit too soft to date someone who goofs around regularly like Yuta. But he can have sides like this to him too. So direct and perceptive, it’s almost cruel. They say the longer you spend being with someone, the more alike you become.

“I don’t really care what other people get up to in their private time,” Yuta chirps a bit too cheerily. “It's not like you don't know Jaehyun's character. He knows what he wants and he won't let anyone stop him. If Jaehyun wants your dick on the regular despite everything, then fine. He’s grown. Who am I to tell him what to do?”

Doyoung doesn’t know what to say about that. Shouldn’t a friend be dissuading about these sort of friends-with-benefits relationships? Aren’t they messy? _You’ll catch feelings._ That’s what a friend would be saying by now. But Yuta doesn’t.

Doyoung is curious. “What does it look like,” he asks gently, “when I look at Jaehyun?”

When Yuta turns towards him, his stare is blank. In an uncanny resemblance to Sicheng, Yuta says seriously, “I think you should figure that out for yourself, Doyoung.”

It starts on a windy day. The curtains are drawn and the sky is cloudy, making it hard to tell whether it’s early in the morning or if the sun is just about to set. What happened that day isn’t important nor the events before that took place in Jaehyun’s apartment.

That is what makes it so shocking. That like any other day, Jaehyun and Doyoung are kissing and soon Jaehyun’s hands trail, and after the first orgasm, instead of cooling off like they usually do, Doyoung grabs his wrist.

He whispers, “Keep going,” and spreads his legs to lead Jaehyun’s fingers down.

Jaehyun, like any man at the opportunity of sex, is eager. His eyes light up, gleaming, but his hands struggle to grip Doyoung’s thighs like they usually do. There’s a bit of delay in the moves he takes. _Jaehyun is nervous,_ Doyoung realizes.

“It’s okay,” he assures, and he doesn’t even know why he’s doing it.

It’s not like they haven’t done this before. Granted, that night, they both had a bit to drink and it was more rushed than usual. Today is slow. There aren’t any pretenses or frustrations to take out. They took their time kissing until their lips were swollen for Jaehyun to start undressing him.

When Jaehyun warms up the lube with his fingers, it’s almost sweet, if Doyoung didn’t already know what’s between them—or not between them. The first finger enters with plenty of caution.

“I’m not going to break, Jaehyun,” he laughs. “You can do more than that,” and to goad him, he adds, “You can do better than that.”

It’s like a switch turns on in Jaehyun’s brain and he scrambles into position in between Doyoung’s legs. Two fingers spear into Doyoung’s hole and Doyoung could just pass out when Jaehyun strokes and probes him with such thorough intent.

“Ah—” Doyoung’s hips twist and his head snaps back into the sheets, “Jaehyun, _fuck.”_

Jaehyun grins down at him. “You like that, Doie?”

There he is. The smug bastard. 

But Doyoung can’t complain because Jaehyun has three fingers in and he has to bite down on his lips so that he holds back the scream that is muffled behind his lips. He’s panting wildly and it’s so obnoxious that he’s getting this worked up just because Jaehyun has few fingers up his ass.

Doyoung masturbates. He’s a normal, healthy, young adult male. So while his schedule hasn’t been consistent with all the school and lab internships, all his dick appointments with Jaehyun usually replaced his needs. It shouldn't feel this good, this _much._ But _god_ having someone else’s fingers get you off and pressing up on all your soft spots is different—he swears it is.

Jaehyun is going to make him cry. Doyoung gives into the idea very soon, because there's just no denying it with how his hips spasms from Jaehyun’s tantalizing strokes. He’s so sensitive for some reason. And Jaehyun very much enjoys making Doyoung cry. The younger man plans on stretching this out as much as he can.

“I’m gonna—” his legs snap together even though it does nothing and Doyoung frantically shoves Jaehyun’s wrist away, “okay, enough.”

Before Jaehyun can make the next move, Doyoung reaches past where Jaehyun is standing with his knees and forcefully pulls Jaehyun’s pants all the way off where they were resting at his ankles.

Doyoung stables himself with one hand on Jaehyun’s chest, dipping his head down to swipe at the precum leaking from Jaehyun’s slit. _God, he’s so hard._ Jaehyun is all hot and throbbing in his hand. Doyoung almost changes his plan when he begins suckling on the head with the intent of tasting more of him.

Doyoung doesn’t even like sucking dick, but Jaehyun’s reactions are addictive. The deep groan he lets out and how his hips automatically snap up from the first moment Doyoung gets his tongue on his cock. It’s everything he likes about a man. 

“Doyoung,” he pants with his voice dropping deep and his fingers clutch deftly onto Doyoung’s shoulders, “if you keep at it, I’m gonna come.”

And another thing—he always puts his hand on Doyoung’s shoulder or into his hair while trying to pull back slowly. It’s like he can’t control himself when it comes to Doyoung.

The thought of that drives him wild. No one has ever wanted him like this.

The condom crinkles in Jaehyun's hands and then it's rolling down his cock so smoothly. Doyoung strips the last article of clothing off. His shirt lands beside the bed carelessly. They’re both fully naked now and it just hits Doyoung that he’s really doing this. Before he lets his overthinking stop him, he pushes Jaehyun back into the bed and climbs on top of the other.

When he holds Jaehyun at the base and finally sinks down— _“Doyoung,”_ comes a moan, so deep in pleasure that it sounds guttural from Jaehyun’s throat.

And Doyoung is just as affected as Jaehyun is. His breath feels like it’s punched out of him as his ass meets Jaehyun’s hips fully seated. He can’t help but bury his nails into Jaehyun’s shoulders and Jaehyun places his palms gingerly onto Doyoung’s hips. The feeling is anything but delicate to Doyoung though. Jaehyun’s fingertips singe in the spots where he’s pressing into Doyoung’s hips, so deep Jaehyun could probably feel his hip bones moving as they start a rhythm.

It’s been such a long time since he let anyone touch him like this, slowly and letting himself get lost to the pleasure of entwining with another person. He drives his body down, chasing the feeling Jaehyun’s cock dragging up and down and all against his walls.

Jaehyun huffs something against his neck which he misses. 

“Hm?” Doyoung’s eyes keep fluttering shut, mind half out of it.

“I said,” he pulls back, craning his neck up to mouth on Doyoung’s jaw instead, “you look pretty like this.”

Instead of responding, Doyoung pulls on the small hairs of Jaehyun’s nape and tilts his head up to meet him in a messy kiss. Well, it’s less of a kiss and more like both of them panting into each other’s mouths, lips mashing together in an untidy fashion, saliva dripping over as their tongues tangle.

The kiss is interrupted when Doyoung’s spine gives in, he’s jumping from sensitivity, keeling when Jaehyun’s cock stabs at his prostate.

Jaehyun makes a growling noise in reaction and his hips piston up as if trying to urge that reaction out of Doyoung again.

“Jaehyun-ah, wait, wait,” he cries while scrambling to keep a steady grip onto Jaehyun’s shoulders, he’s moving too fast, Doyoung isn't going to last long enough, “—slower,” he pleads.

“You feel so good,” Jaehyun says as if to protest.

But his grip slacks—Doyoung is certain by now there will be bruises tomorrow—and his movements slow into waves of long and deep thrusts. It’s less urgent than before but no less pleasurable, in fact maybe even worse because Doyoung can feel everything and he’s sane enough to actually see.

Droplets of sweat drip down from Jaehyun’s soaked bangs, sticking all over his face. It’s unfairly attractive even when he’s dripping disgustingly. Jaehyun is also _very_ vocal, his panting is loud, moans so deep that Doyoung can feel them as they’re pressed together, reverbing against his chest. He holds Doyoung securely, with both arms wrapped around his waist, helping Doyoung down his cock and—he gazes into Doyoung’s eyes all the while.

If Doyoung isn’t already red all over, he can still feel the heat grow on his face as Jaehyun stares up at him. His eyes are sparkling, a bit watery themselves, like he’s just as overwhelmed as Doyoung is. 

Doyoung can’t handle the way Jaehyun is looking at him, it’s too much, and so his head grows limp and he lets their gazes part. Instead, he fills the feeling by driving down onto Jaehyun’s cock, setting a more rapid rhythm.

“Does it feel good?” rasps Jaehyun from beside his ear.

Doyoung can’t do anything but nod his head, giving a little _mm!_ from his muffled lips. 

He can feel his knees giving in from lifting body weight over and over again. His thighs are burning, movements slowing down. He whimpers “can’t” before throwing his whole arm around Jaehyun’s neck as if to secure him a little while longer. Doyoung wants to have this for a bit more, wants to feel Jaehyun burning in him.

So Jaehyun pauses, lifting him up with one arm _—that’s hot,_ Doyoung’s brain chimes—and deposits him onto his back against the sheets, never disconnecting them the whole time.

The position is different. Jaehyun is doing a lot of the work, driving his hips in and eventually putting his whole body into it as he hovers over Doyoung. There’s no turning away from it, how traditional this position is and _intimate._ Doyoung can see with a clear view how Jaehyun’s cock enters him and it makes him unconsciously clench at the sight.

The tell-tale sign of his gut tightening grows stronger. “Close,” he gasps.

“Me too,” Jaehyun pants over him, leaning down to suck a sloppy kiss into his shoulder.

“Hurry,” he croaks while grabbing blindly for something to hold onto.

That has Jaehyun thrusting with a more frantic drive. Jaehyun lifts himself up and they’re face to face. Doyoung can see it in his expression. He is completely lost to the feeling of being inside of Doyoung, chasing his orgasm instead.

A bad thought wanders into his mind. An overwhelming thought.

His other boyfriends said the same things as Jaehyun. _You’re pretty. Feels good._ Why does it feel different coming from Jaehyun’s mouth?

When Doyoung had sex with his exes, it just felt like sex. Nothing else. His past boyfriends always chased the feeling of completion, leaning over Doyoung, like they were using Doyoung as an accessory for their own desires. 

But as Jaehyun is leaning over him, head slack and eyes shut so hard, his eyelashes fanned across his cheeks in dark lines, Jaehyun panting _Doyoung_ with his damp skin under Doyoung’s fingers, hips incessantly thrusting into him—Doyoung feels like he has Jaehyun instead, like Jaehyun is giving in to Doyoung.

It hits him out of nowhere, he’s blindsided, legs clamping together around Jaehyun’s waist and spurts of come landing over his stomach. He comes with his nails digging into Jaehyun’s chest, no doubt leaving red crescents into the skin.

That sets Jaehyun off. He groans, hips stuttering at the feeling of Doyoung uncontrollably clenching around him. Eventually, he slows, rolling his hips to a tamer rhythm as they ride their orgasms out.

When Jaehyun finally flops over beside Doyoung, condom thrown aimlessly towards the direction of the trashcan, Doyoung comes down and the haze settles.

He fucked up. 

There’s a difference in it. Not once did Jaehyun mention Taeyong.

It is then, Doyoung realizes that he crossed the line.

_Don’t fall in love._

When he looks back at Jaehyun, his chest rising and falling peacefully, besides the feeling of neglect and Taeyong’s name is another feeling—the thrill of his heart beating out of his chest, kisses he associates with warmth, adoration blooming in his lungs.

When did he start looking at Jaehyun like less than a friend and more like a lover?

jaehyunnie 

you busy?

let’s have dinner

i can’t

i have to stay at the lab today

oh again?

you should take better care of yourself. don't work too hard. 

let's go next time you're free

It gets a little obvious that even Taeyong says something.

“Hey,” he leans quietly over the armrest.

Doyoung hums, tapping his pen over his report of another case study he’s analyzing.

“Did you and Jaehyun fight?”

Doyoung’s pen stops for a beat before he continues tapping again. “Fight? Fight over what?”

“You know... like have an argument.”

“We didn’t argue.”

“You’re sure?” Taeyong rearranges himself to practically shove his head into Doyoung’s tablet so that Doyoung looks down at him. “Why did Johnny say that Jaehyun looks a bit worried these days? Jaehyun isn’t the type to worry and usually not say anything.”

Doyoung scribbles something into his paper but it’s not exactly settling in his brain either. “I don’t know,” he says flippantly.

Taeyong moves back to sit regularly on the carpet, hands folded neatly in his lap. “Are you sure you aren’t having problems?” he asks gingerly. “You know you can tell me, right? I’m not like some spy for Johnny.”

Doyoung nods.

He can tell from the long silence that Taeyong doesn’t believe him.

“I always thought you liked Jinyoung a little bit more anyways,” he mutters offhandedly.

Doyoung’s pen drops as he faces Taeyong. “You don’t think I like him more than Jinyoung?”

 _Even after what he did._ But Taeyong doesn't know. Doyoung lied to him.

Taeyong fumbles with the fur on the carpet, smoothing his uneasiness into it. “I mean, you don’t really talk to me about Jaehyun. You didn’t date _anyone_ after Jinyoung. And when you do, it’s Jaehyun.”

“What’s wrong with Jaehyun?”

Taeyong sighs. “Not wrong. Just—well, other than your petty bickering and sex, what else do you have in common? He’s on the other side of the spectrum. But Jinyoung had the same hobbies, the same personality as you. I thought you guys matched well, that’s why you started dating him.”

“Jaehyun and I are similar,” Doyoung finds himself saying. “We both like doing things independently. We have headstrong personalities. And I bicker with everyone, even Jinyoung.”

Taeyong's face sours as if he didn’t like Doyoung's reply.

“Jinyoung knew how to yield. Sometimes, Jaehyun is a little too forward. I knew you would get into a big argument one day. I just..” he shrugs, “I think sometimes that Jinyoung was a bit more careful. He was really nice and attentive.”

_Jinyoung wasn’t yielding, he was walking on eggshells. He thought if he was nice, shower me with the little details and build himself around me like a wall, he could steal me away from you._

Unlike Jaehyun. Jaehyun knows about everything. He doesn't try to separate them despite it.

Doyoung presses his lips together. “We didn’t argue,” he states and turns back to his paper.

Something about what Taeyong said bothers him, like an itch he can’t reach.

Doyoung works on the assumption that Jaehyun knows everyone has different schedules. People can get busy all the time and out of nowhere, right? 

But Jaehyun is as keen as ever and catches him anyway.

When Doyoung is coming out of the lab on the day that he doesn’t have class, Jaehyun is standing across from him. One hand casually in his pocket and another carrying a familiar blue drink.

“You’ve finally emerged from your cave,” Jaehyun says, handing him the drink.

“Uhm, yeah...”

“I came to check if you died yet. From all that work.” There's no humor on his face as he says it.

Doyoung wonders if he can chase Jaehyun away as they start walking out the building. It seems Jaehyun has no other plans seeing as he walks beside Doyoung, keeping up with his slow pace. They don't exchange words by the time they reach the end of the hall and during the silence, guilt stacked itself inside Doyoung like heavy stones.

“You know, instead of working yourself to death, you could just tell me next time,” Jaehyun says as the doors close behind them and they walk onto the bridge.

“Tell you what?” Doyoung’s fingers press into the plastic cup anxiously.

Jaehyun huffs, stopping in his steps. “I don’t know. You tell me. If you’re upset with me or if the sex was that bad.”

Doyoung chokes mid-drink, half coughing and wheezing. “The sex was fine! Good! I mean—” his cheeks flush as he stammers, “it wasn’t the sex.”

“I know,” Jaehyun deadpans. “You haven’t been answering my messages recently and despite everything, I’m not actually a mind reader. I don’t know everything.” For a moment, Jaehyun looks genuinely upset. He brushes his hair back in the way he does when he’s overwhelmed and frowns, seeming more frustrated with himself than anything. “You can tell me if I did something wrong. I’ll listen.”

Doyoung figures he can’t weasel out of this one. It’s no use seeing Jaehyun torn up over such a small thing like Doyoung’s mixed-up feelings.

“I was just feeling guilty.”

Jaehyun’s mouth twists down. “We’ve been doing this for months and suddenly you feel guilty towards Taeyong? What changed?”

“No. It’s not that,” he says quickly.

“Then, what is it?”

Doyoung curls his arms inward. “I...”

He’s not good at this at all.

Jaehyun leans onto the railing slowly, peering silently as if he’s giving Doyoung the space to explain.

Doyoung takes a deep breath. “After we had sex that day, I don’t know—” his thumb fiddles with the ridges on the plastic cup, “I started feeling _different.”_

It takes a moment before Jaehyun responds. “You felt something... for me, right? Romantically?”

Jaehyun’s eyes are soft like the first time they kissed, pure and warm, like a meadow blooming in Doyoung’s chest.

Doyoung nods, his grip turning so tight on his drink, the liquid rises near the lid.

It’s as if the world is clear and Jaehyun’s eyes brighten as they widen. He then says something so preposterous, it takes Doyoung several moments to comprehend.

“Why don’t we just date? For real this time.”

When he’s sure his ears heard right, Doyoung’s head whips towards him so fast it might just have cracked a bit. 

“What?” he croaks out. 

“They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else.”

Doyoung gapes at him. “Do you even like me?”

Jaehyun grins in a horribly self-satisfied way that makes Doyoung burn. “You don’t realize it, but you’re more loveable than you think. Plus, I think you quite enjoy scratching your nails down my back.”

Doyoung doesn’t understand. “If it’s just sex you want, there’s no need for this.”

“No, that’s not just what I want. I’m asking for a relationship,” Jaehyun beams at him, “with you, Kim Doyoung.”

“So... so you...” Doyoung gulps. What the fuck does that even mean?

In a non-bothered fashion, Jaehyun sticks his hands back into his pockets. 

“Why? Is it that hard to wrap your head around? I want to give us a try. I want to know you, hyung, everything about you,” he says those deep words so casually while leaning back on the railing. It’s infuriating. “So, how about it? Let’s date.”

“You know I like Taeyong, right? I’ve liked him for a long time—all the way since middle school.”

Jaehyun just shrugs and quirks his eyebrows as if to say _so what._ Like his unrequited love towards Taeyong is something trivial. 

Does he think this is a joke? Like some sort of challenge?

Doyoung tells him bluntly, “My first boyfriend dumped me when I spent more time helping Taeyong study than replying to his messages. My second boyfriend dumped me when he found out I applied to the same university as Taeyong. When he realized that wherever Taeyong went, I would go too.”

“It doesn’t change my mind.”

Doyoung stares him straight in the eyes. “How are you certain you won’t do the same?”

When Jaehyun smiles, he looks so sure of himself. “I have patience. If you’ve made it this long with Taeyong, why can’t I? At least, I’m willing to try the gamble.”

There’s something nudging Doyoung in his gut that says Jaehyun is right. Seeing that dimple pop out with his shit-eating grin, although Doyoung hates it—he really likes it at the same time. 

Jaehyun isn't like the rest of them. He has never been conventional. 

For some reason, Doyoung wants to take this challenge.

“Fine,” Doyoung decides. “Let’s date.”

Both of Jaehyun’s dimples deepen as his deep laugh echoes into the air. Doyoung just chooses to shut up by sipping on his smoothie and look back at the campus.

It’s a little messed up. But isn’t that how this started anyway?

And that is how Kim Doyoung, began this twisted relationship—where his feelings were too intense to be friends but not wholehearted enough to be lovers—with an equally insane person, Jung Jaehyun.

/ bonus

Watching the wind sweep through Doyoung’s hair and onto his blushing cheeks, Jaehyun thinks maybe one day he’ll tell him. 

He’ll tell Doyoung about the first time he saw him at the New Year’s Party.

Jaehyun had come with Johnny but after quick introductions, Johnny was swept away with the gaining crowd. He hadn't paid attention then. Doyoung was just another face and Taeyong was his best friend that Johnny was in love with.

That was their first meeting, but that wasn't _the moment._

Jaehyun was nursing a cup of some soju bomb. He wasn't drunk, in fact, his mind was clear as day when he saw Doyoung in the corner of the hallway.

Taeyong was clearly drunk and still sloshing his drink around. Johnny had one arm leaning on his back while Taeyong jumped up to the beat of the music and tried wrapping his arms around Doyoung in a hug at the same time.

Doyoung only grimaced and with two furrowed brows, scolded Taeyong harshly. He hauled Taeyong against a stable wall and handed him a cup of water. Jaehyun was far away but he could still see the worry in his eyes, and even under the blasting bass, he could almost hear the tinted endearment when Doyoung’s lips moved.

And Johnny, being the patient and understanding person he is, let Doyoung fuss around him. 

Then, Taeyong pouted and leaned onto Johnny’s chest, mumbling something else. Jaehyun saw Doyoung slowly let up and release his grip on Taeyong’s figure. With his soft smile, Johnny wrapped his entire arm around Taeyong and mouthed what looked like an apology.

Jaehyun will never forget the slump of Doyoung’s back as he watched Johnny carry Taeyong away. He didn’t know it then, but later, he realized that was when it started. 

Jaehyun had thought _—how wonderful would it be to be loved by someone like Doyoung._ A love that was unabashed and full even when it hurt.

He didn’t know then that a year later, he would nurture this thought into full bloom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> update: jaehyun is doyoung's “boyfriend” > jaehyun is doyoung's boyfriend + all conditions still apply :D
> 
> thank you for all the enthusiasm last chapter!!!!!!!!!!!!! i appreciate all of you!! / will post a filler chapter in a few days
> 
> don't forget the **comments** / **kudos**!! tytytytyt love u!!  
> [the playlist !!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4M6s2YryEbMxxtBcvsZeLN?si=sG2KgeViS8qgE5LwvltBNA)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/iridesense) / [twt](https://twitter.com/iridesense_) / [tumblr](https://luvescene.tumblr.com/)


	3. i met him and learned what “loneliness” meant for the first time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a filler chapter sorry lol it's so short let's just call this
> 
> **INTERMISSION:**

The thought started as just a seed. Until the second time Jaehyun sees Doyoung again.

It was in the library between one of the shelves and self-study sections. Jaehyun’s plan was to get some studying done but this girl in his study group was bothering him.

“What about afterwards? We could get coffee.”

Jaehyun grimaces. “I’m kind of coffee-full and I’m trying to study alone. I really need to focus.” 

There’s a whine behind him and he knows Minah is fluttering her eyelashes again.

“I kind of need help with this exam’s subjects. We could study together,” she persists.

Jaehyun restraints a heavy sigh. He really dislikes when he gets confessions like this—girls he’s rejected trying to get close to him over and over again, but they just keep asking. “Boram already gave you her exam study guide, right? You guys are best friends. I don’t think you need my help.”

Jaehyun takes another workbook off the shelf to his stack as an excuse not to face her.

Minah keeps at it though. “But Jaehyun, I heard you got one of the top scores in the last exam. You must have some tips, right?”

This time, as Jaehyun’s hand is reaching for a different book, a hand shoots out to grab it first.

“I think he said no about three times already. If you can’t even study by yourself at this point, how did you even pass the admissions test?”

There standing in front of him, holding _his_ book, is Doyoung. Before Jaehyun’s brain can come up with another thought, Doyoung wraps a firm hand around his bicep.

“Now if you could please leave my boyfriend alone. He may be smart, but he’s actually a hard worker.”

Jaehyun is momentarily blindsided. He didn’t expect Doyoung to be so blunt. But maybe he should have known given how fierce his eyes were when he was scolding a drunk Taeyong.

An insulted scoff comes from Minah’s lips. She coughs to hide it but it’s no use. She’s been defeated and swiftly walks away with smoking ears.

“So... boyfriend?” Jaehyun grins.

A light chuckle comes from him as Doyoung teases back saying, “It got rid of her, right?” But then his eyes widen and he gasps. “Oh no, what if she goes and tells other people? She really won’t back down after finding out it’s a lie.”

Cute. Kim Doyoung is cute.

“No, it’s okay! I’ll just bluff if she snoops around. I don’t care really. It got rid of her anyhow.” Jaehyun looks down at the book in Doyoung’s hand. “Thanks for helping,” he says as he reaches down for it.

But the book is jerked out of range even before his fingers can touch it. 

“Oh, no, I actually need this.” And then Doyoung smiles. 

He doesn’t know why but he didn’t think that a person who could look so sad, who could long so deeply would also have such a blinding smile. A large smile that’s playful with very pink gums and cute front teeth flashing at him. _Like a bunny,_ Jaehyun thinks. 

“Consider it payment. Now we’re even,” Doyoung teases. With that, he briskly walks down the aisle, leaving Jaehyun with a wave of his hand and a foretelling goodbye. “See you around... boyfriend.”

And once again, Jaehyun is struck.

He had just been standing there, perfectly fine, until Doyoung came back into his life. He kept that night in the back of his head. Those longing eyes, a face so in love it hurt. Jaehyun had wondered for a second how it felt to love like that—how it would feel to be loved like that. And now Doyoung wandered in, showing a cute face and teasing him.

So let the record show, it wasn’t Jaehyun who started this. 

It was Doyoung. 

Doyoung made him curious.

The thought that was a seed began to bloom.

It’s scary how fast and how easily Jaehyun blends into Doyoung’s life. Doyoung always thought he was unable to be close to anyone else but Taeyong, but Jaehyun is good at it, blending seamlessly into his life. In that way, he reminds Doyoung a little of Johnny: easy-going, eager to please, kind, and sort of goofy. No wonder the two are best friends. 

It comes naturally to spend time with Jaehyun when Taeyong isn’t there. And Jaehyun also takes up many of the parts Taeyong used to do. It’s easy dating Jaehyun. 

He appears right when Doyoung needs him most.

Doyoung has tears rolling down his face as he stares at the email on his screen.

_Sorry, you can do better on the next project. But I do not accept late assignments._

_Dr. Kim Jaehan._

It’s his first time getting such a low score and it wasn’t even his fault! The stupid final file was corrupted and he also had incompentant project members that kept pushing everything off so that they only ended up submitting the second draft.

He’s baffled, but it doesn’t stop the tears from erupting. Doyoung couldn’t even reach Taeyong because his best friend is at Johnny’s photography exhibition. Doyoung’s been to enough of Taeyong’s own art exhibits to know the focus shouldn’t be on your phone.

So hearing Doyoung sniffle over the line, Jaehyun immediately rushed over.

Jaehyun places a cup of calming tea on Doyoung’s nightstand, sliding in next to him on the carpet. “Hyung, stop crying,” he sighs and shuts the lid of the laptop. “It’s not the end of your academic career.”

“I can’t stop myself from crying, you bastard!” Doyoung bawls in his rolled up ball position at the corner of his bed. “You’re supposed to be a doctor, don’t you know that crying is just the body releasing stress from being overwhelmed from emotions. It’s an involuntary action, asshole.”

He knows that it’s unreasonable to cry like a child about this, but goddamn it, he worked so hard. Everyone else may think he’s just smart so it’s nothing but a small flaw on his resume. But all those days of hard work shouldn’t be flawed by something that isn’t his fault. He worked hard, so it should show. Also, he _hates_ feeling inadequate when he gave it his best. So he has no choice in the matter when tears just start rolling uncontrollably.

Jaehyun grimaces. “Okay, okay. I know. It’s gonna be alright. I doubt you’ll fail this class. And plus, the professors love you. You’ll get a recommendation anywhere. It’s just stupid Dr. Kim. He’s old and stubborn.”

Doyoung sniffles. “Right?”

“Let’s do something that will cheer you up.”

Doyoung can only stare, weightless like a puddle on the floor, while Jaehyun shuffles around his room. 

Jaehyun takes Doyoung’s projector and fiddles around with it, eventually skipping to a romantic scene from a movie they watched recently. The sound is on mute but from his phone, music starts blaring, startling him. 

Jaehyun deposits it face-down on the nightstand and hurries Doyoung up. “I don’t have my vinyls or my turntable so this will have to do.”

Doyoung makes a noise of confusion as Jaehyun brings him close and urges him from side to side. _Oh. We’re slow dancing._ Doyoung giggles when Jaehyun wraps his arm around him to start moving around in Doyoung’s small bedroom.

“What?” Jaehyun smiles through a dramatic move of spinning them around. “Didn’t you say you wanted to do something corny like this? I saw how you sighed when the two characters did this on the screen. Well now we’re doing it.”

Doyoung lightly hits Jaehyun’s shoulder. “You don’t even know how to slow dance properly.”

“Oh and you do?” he points out in an exaggerated tone. “You’re just as bad at this as I am.”

They basically go around in circles, swaying offbeat from the music in the small ten feet of space they’re given. But it does the trick and Doyoung’s tears dry quickly from all the spinning Jaehyun makes them do. Jaehyun does step on his toes a few times, but with the carpet and their socks absorbing the impact, it’s not too bad. 

Giggles spill from both of their lips as they both grow dizzy and settle for a more rocking motion. It’s as easy as breathing—eventually, the swaying stops and slowly, they melt into a kiss. All thoughts about failing grades or missing best friends are put away.

It wasn’t always like this. This _easy._

Many of the things Jaehyun does, he does like second-hand nature. But many of them are Jaehyun’s first times too. 

Doyoung just doesn’t find that out until much later.

A little before Doyoung was introduced to their group, before all the sneaking breaks with Doyoung, before late night dates and midnight-theater showings, Jaehyun still went to the clubs with his friends because he was bored and it was a good way to pass time at night. 

They were in the beginnings of their 20’s and they partied like they could die tomorrow.

“Johnny would love this track!” Jungwoo shouted to them, bobbing crazily to the beat.

Lucas jumped wildly with him. “We’ve gotta party harder to make up for his energy!”

Taeil cheered on the DJ at the front, watching the younger ones with a tipsy, mellowed smile.

Ten nearly missed being wacked by his left hook as he joined them at the bar. “Yeah, Lucas is a great substitute with his ten-foot limbs.”

Mark pouted. “It’s not the same.”

“How can you blame him? Have you seen his face recently?” Sicheng asked.

Johnny didn’t come with them anymore. He had other priorities. All it took was one of those shy, hazy, love-struck looks on his face and they all understood.

Johnny had his date nights and they all had their boys nights.

Jaehyun’s mind could only wander to a certain person, remembering those somber eyes and wilted shoulders the day they talked at the cafe.

“Speaking of Johnny,” Yuta said, “you look a little different nowadays too, Jaehyun. You're always looking off like your mind is somewhere else. It's...” he crooked his head, “dreamy? But kind of sad.”

Jaehyun swirled his drink around. “Not somewhere. Someone.”

“Oh?” Taeil grinned, ear to ear. “Who?”

Jaehyun thought of a laugh with large front teeth and pink gums, and just smiled. “Just a person.”

_A person who introduced me to the word “loneliness.”_

Jaehyun is hard to read. But amongst the months getting to know the person everyone thought of as prince charming, Doyoung realizes very soon that Jaehyun isn’t perfect.

All it took was a short work retreat that Doyoung was required to go to, up in the mountains and away for a week, for Jaehyun to become a bit antsy. He was quite incessant with the phone calls and monopolized most of Doyoung’s free time during breaks.

He never would’ve deemed Jaehyun as the clingy type.

As Doyoung cleans up the take out boxes, he sighs. Being around Taeyong may have given him a habit of cleaning too. Whenever he sees Jaehyun’s room in disarray, he immediately gets to picking up dirty socks off the floor like secondhand nature.

“You know... you’re lonelier than I thought,” Doyoung comments. “Why couldn’t you call Johnny to hang out with you instead of bothering me?”

“I just wanted to see your face,” Jaehyun beams. “And I wasn’t.”

“Hm?”

“I wasn’t,” Jaehyun says again. “I wasn’t lonely before...”

Jaehyun had always thought that he was fine with his life. It isn’t like he’s a homebody. One might think differently, but they’re wrong. In one word, he’s independent. He likes doing things by himself because he has the confidence to and doesn't care much about other people. He has Johnny as his best friend and likes meeting with his other friends too—even then, he likes browsing music shops by himself and drinking coffee alone. There wasn’t a problem until... 

“Until you.”

Doyoung blinks in place. “Me?”

Jaehyun nods and goes closer to put the takeout box in Doyoung’s hands down. “I was fine before. And then you came along. At night, I started wondering if you were asleep yet. I drank americanos at my favorite cafe thinking _I want to share a drink with Doyoung._ When I was with my friends, I thought _what is Doyoung doing right now?_ When Johnny talked about his crushes, I was always content to listen. Now, when he starts talking about Taeyong, I have the urge to talk about you.”

Doyoung’s cheeks turn rosy. His eyes are so coy when he turns shy. It makes Jaehyun want to kiss him.

“You like me that much?”

Jaehyun laughs, two hands holding Doyoung’s hesitant ones. “What gave me away?”

“I like you too,” Doyoung confesses.

Jaehyun slides his arms around Doyoung’s waist, pressing him in closer. “Yeah? I could tell.”

Doyoung puffs his cheeks. “You’re so cocky. How would you know?”

“Your eyes.” Jaehyun leans in closer, noses touching. “Your eyes are always so expressive. When you’re bored or fed up, happy or being snarky about something—it’s always on your face.”

The comment must unsettle Doyoung a bit because he fists Jaehyun’s shirt, wriggling inside Jaehyun’s arms and refuses to make eye contact even though they’re literally face to face.

“You’re embarrassing,” Doyoung whispers.

Jaehyun laughs, ringing up to the ceilings, before licking at the seam of Doyoung’s mouth and Doyoung opens up so easily for him.

The days leading up to Taeyong’s birthday, Doyoung is busy.

They have a small birthday party at Johnny’s place with their friends ( _“their friends”_ —a phrase that Doyoung still isn’t used to). Taeyong and Doyoung, for the most part, just watch as the other guys goof around on the karaoke and fight over the food by playing weird games.

When it’s time for opening presents, Taeyong gets all mushy and eyes everyone’s gifts. “I’ve never had so many gifts on my birthday before.”

“What are you talking about?” Yuta laughs, “You used to get a whole pile of gifts on your desk when it was your birthday.”

Taeyong blushes. “Yeah, but those were from people I didn’t know. These are personal.”

The rest of the group look at Taeyong with a bit of starry eyes. Doyoung is used to that look.

Taeyong gets personalized and some expensive items: a huge teddy bear, a real actual plant, an ipad, etc. Johnny gets him oil paints, the really expensive, professional kind.

Taeyong almost drools when he sees what brand they are. “Johnny... some of these are up to 300,000 won per tube.”

Johnny shrugs. “The better the quality, the longer the painting lasts.. or something like that, right? You just said you would die if you could have these paints so I got them for you.”

It makes Doyoung shrivel up on the inside just a bit.

Taeyong and everyone else gapes.

Doyoung’s gift in comparison is not as fancy. When it’s time for Taeyong to open up Doyoung’s gift, Taeyong gasps. His fingers trail over all the red and yellow patterns sewn into a pair of jeans. They are very clearly hand-sewn based on the customization: some patterns are of Taeyong’s dog ruby, some resemble the potted plants Taeyong’s been growing and named.

“Doie,” Taeyong coos and hugs the pair of pants to his chest, “is this what you’ve been doing this past month secretly and not coming out of your room? I thought you were acting suspiciously.”

Doyoung scoffs. “I was acting normal as usual.”

“You were not. And I thought you were going to buy me something like a new laundry machine.”

Doyoung mutters, “I thought of that. But then that means we would’ve used it together and that would lose its meaning.”

Jaehyun leans over and says, “He’s been watching all sorts of videos on his phone about how to create different patterns. He practically had his nose to his phone when he was with me.”

Taeyong practically moons over the gift and envelopes Doyoung in a very tight hug.

Everyone goes for another round of beer pong, cheering when Jaehyun wins _again_ and Taeil has to down another beer, before everyone calls it a day and they start feebly cleaning up and filing out. 

When it’s only the four of them and Johnny’s place is relatively calm again, Taeyong pulls Doyoung down on the couch. 

“I got something for you,” he says.

“It’s your birthday. Why would you get something for me?”

Taeyong just pats at Doyoung’s hand. “I just felt like a lot happened this year so I should do something.”

He takes out his phone and casts something on the TV. Johnny and Jaehyun stop in their cleaning once their attention is taken away to the TV.

It’s a video. 

It looks like a random assembly of pictures and clips of their outings: Doyoung blowing out candles over a cupcake, Taeyong and Doyoung smiling in front of a huge painting in their campus’s exhibition, Doyoung laughing over a game during orientation week.

A soft song plays in the background, matching the transitions of the video.

Doyoung’s eyes are glued to the screen, everything else tuned out.

The most prominent thing in all these pictures is something that can’t simply be put in words. In every frame, happiness is radiating from them. Whether it’s just a simple pan of them at a picnic or Doyoung looking wide-eyed at the camera, it’s apparent. There’s so much warmth in their eyes, facing the camera, facing each other.

Doyoung’s heart squeezes.

Taeyong scoots closer to him with a wide grin. “Johnny helped me put it together. Do you like it?”

Doyoung looks up at him with rapidly blinking eyes.

There is not much that Doyoung cries about. He’s that type of person who lets the upset well up inside him until it’s reached maximum capacity and spills over into unyielding tears.

However, this has Doyoung glassy-eyed.

Taeyong looks worriedly at his reaction with downturned eyes and a pout. “Doie?”

Doyoung clears his throat. “You’re really too much, Lee Taeyong,” he croaks.

Taeyong’s face splits into a grin as he gathers Doyoung into his arms. “Nothing is too much when it’s for you. You’d do the same for me,” he whispers and squeezes Doyoung tightly.

“You’re the only person in the world who would do something sappy like this on their own birthday for someone else.” Doyoung scoffs through his tears. “Such a romantic. What will I do with you, Tyongie..”

There’s sounds of a shutter going off and they both turn to Johnny and Jaehyun with their cameras pointed at them.

Doyoung side-eyes them for ruining the moment and Taeyong just flings his arms wide open.

“Group hug!”

Doyoung is swaddled in protests under a flurry of burly arms.

And to think, a year ago, Doyoung would’ve scoffed if you told him he would’ve told him that Doyoung would spend Taeyong’s birthday with not just his own boyfriend, but Taeyong’s boyfriend and his friends.

The first time Taeyong talked about Johnny, it was casual. 

“There was this guy who asked if he could take a picture of me today.”

Doyoung quirked a brow up at him. “Like on the street or...”

“On campus,” Taeyong said. “He was holding one of those DSLR cameras.” He mimicked the camera size and the shutter noise.

“That’s new,” Doyoung muttered. “Did he ask for your number too?”

Taeyong shook his head. “He was really tall though. Handsome.”

Doyoung grunted. “The handsome ones are somehow always douchebags.”

Taeyong nodded and agreed with the sentiment. They’ve both seen their fair share of egotistical guys prowling through campus.

That was the last of it. Or so he thought.

A while later, Taeyong brought it back up again. 

He slid his elbows onto the table, eyes round. “So you know that guy who asked to take my picture like two weeks ago?”

Doyoung nodded over his notes, not really paying much attention.

“He saw me today and told me that he got a lot of compliments from his professor from that picture he took. Turns out it was for an assignment.”

Doyoung hummed in acknowledgment.

“So he asked if he could repay me, buy me coffee or something. And I said yes.”

Doyoung’s eyes snapped up. “What?”

“Yeah, I said I was going to have lunch with him tomorrow.” Taeyong pouted at him, putting on his big puppy eyes. “Can you come with me?”

He was a bit disgruntled. Taeyong has been fooled by kind gestures before but had wised up over the years and so far, had been successfully deterring a number of guys from getting too close. So, Doyoung chalked it up to a fluke. 

That is all it should’ve been. Just a fluke. A random guy that will come and go, just like all the rest of them once he has seen that Taeyong isn’t like the image everyone painted for him.

“Sure, I’ll go. But there better be ice cream after.”

Taeyong beamed up at him. “Definitely.”

He should’ve known there would be trouble then.

It’s summer and on these nights, Jaehyun likes to open his windows and hang out of them a little. He likes to watch people, see all the little cars honk and pass each other with their yellow lights blurring together. Doyoung is next to him, arms on the window sill, head lying down to observe Jaehyun’s face for a little while.

It’s these fleeting little moments of quiet where Doyoung wonders how the hell they ended up here. With Taeyong, then Johnny, and now Jaehyun. They were stuck in this _greyness._ Complex. Ambiguous. It would’ve been so easy for Jaehyun to just turn away. He could have anybody, he could’ve had _easy,_ but he didn’t choose that.

“How many people have you been with, Jaehyun?” 

Doyoung runs a hand through Jaehyun’s hair. It’s always so messy after sex that it ends up being pushed back with all the sweat that accumulated.

Jaehyun chuckles. “You’re curious?”

“I’m curious what kind of person it takes to get your attention.”

“It sounds like you’re discrediting yourself, hyung.”

Doyoung huffs, rolling his eyes. “Just tell me.”

Jaehyun hums, thinking. “Well, there was one girl I was in a relationship with for eight months.”

 _“Eight months?”_ Doyoung eyes widen.

Jaehyun laughs at Doyoung’s reaction. “We sat next to each other in hagwon. She was really smart and wanted to become a veterinarian, so we really bonded over dogs. Sometimes, I went over to her house to see her dog more than I saw her. But she had really strict parents and you know, getting into college is more important than dating at that age.”

“Oh,” Doyoung says. That’s kind of sad.

Jaehyun reaches out and strokes his thumb down Doyoung’s ear. “Don’t look like that, Doie. I’m not heartbroken over it. It was a nice experience for a first relationship.”

Doyoung just pouts, leaning into the touch. It suits Jaehyun to have an ordinary high school romance. A little sentimental, a little light but still heartfelt.

It was a nice moment, but Jaehyun just ruins it.

“And then, I also dated Sicheng for like three weeks.”

 _“Sicheng?”_ Doyoung spits, rising to sit on his heels. He thinks the world may be mildly spinning right now. “You dated Sicheng? Jung Jaehyun? You?”

“What? He just has one of those auras to him,” Jaehyun says defensively. “He kind of reminded me of a small fierce puppy. Anyways, it didn’t work out because there wasn’t much chemistry romantically.”

Doyoung flops back down. “Well, Sicheng _is_ cute. I want to kind of put him in my pocket and see his grumpy face smile. No wonder Yuta is so enamored.”

Jaehyun grins from ear to ear. “For a second, I thought you were going to be jealous.”

“Tch, that’s not my style,” he says in a mocking tone using Jaehyun’s words.

“What about you? You liked Taeyong, but you tried dating anyway. Were they all like me?”

Doyong rolls his eyes. “Who could ever compare to you, Jaehyunie?” he mocks. But his lips lift into a small, wistful smile. “No, it wasn’t like that at all. My first boyfriend was nothing—lasted two months because I didn’t know how to say no to my first confession by an underclassmen.”

“So you have a thing for younger guys.” Jaehyun arches a brow at him teasingly. He twists towards Doyoung to show off his naked torso, hickies spread across his abdomen.

Doyoung slaps him on the chest for that, hiding his smile. He leans back onto the window sill, just listening to how the traffic outside echoes up to the windows.

“There was a guy I really liked in third year,” he mumbles against his arm. “I thought his eyes were really kind. So I gave it a chance—if anyone were to understand, it would be him,” his body all but sinks against the ledge, “but teenagers aren’t meant to understand relationships like ours.. so we had a terrible fight over Taeyong and he broke up with me when he had enough.”

Jaehyun rubs over Doyoung’s knuckles in comfort. “I’m sorry,” he says softly.

Doyoung hides into the crook of his elbow for a moment, afraid that he would start crying. When he gathers himself up, he looks to Jaehyun and confesses, “I don’t know why you put up with me.”

Jaehyun just looks back at him, moonlight gleaming in his eyes. “I don’t want to have a reason to like you, hyung, I just do. Like you and Taeyong. It just happened for me. It’s you.”

He croaks out, “Isn’t it hard?”

Jaehyun pulls Doyoung in by the wrist and face swooping in close. He smells like the grape candy pops that he’s been trying out. “Loving is the easiest thing I’ve ever done. I didn’t even have to think about it.”

“I’m sorry,” Doyoung cups Jaehyun’s face in his palm, “You like me so much and sometimes, I- I don’t think...”

_I don’t think I can like you as much as you like me. I’m not deserving._

“It’s okay.” Jaehyun’s lips pull into a reassuring smile. “I told you that I’ll have patience.”

He pats Doyoung’s hands over his face, but Doyoung just lets his hands drop.

“Someday, it won’t be enough for you,” Doyoung blurts. “It’s happened before.”

For Doyoung, it’s a prophecy.

Jaehyun holds Doyoung’s hands tight. “I’m a man like anyone else. I have flaws and needs— _desires,_ ” he says with his eyes gleaming, “and hyung, I’d be lying if I said I could wait forever. I want you for my own.” 

He presses Doyoung up against the window sill. His bare chest is so scorching against Doyoung’s skin that makes him gasp. 

“And I don’t want to share. But I’d rather have you like this right now than not have you at all.” He drops a kiss onto the corner of Doyoung’s mouth, and then he looks at Doyoung with his melting brown eyes. “So I’ll have patience until the day you come to me, because I know you will.”

It’s a confession just like him. Arrogant. Confident.

Doyoung lets his breath linger with Jaehyun’s. “How are you so sure?”

“Because you’ve already started.” Jaehyun presses his nose, his forehead against Doyoung’s. “You’re already half mine and I’m not gonna let you go, Kim Doyoung, not until you’re crazy about me like I am about you.”

The confession has everything all the others lacked. 

It is just like Jung Jaehyun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you may take this as foreshadowing lol
> 
> keep **comments** / **kudos** coming! i do actually read what yall say in the bookmarks  
> [the playlist !!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4M6s2YryEbMxxtBcvsZeLN?si=sG2KgeViS8qgE5LwvltBNA)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/iridesense) / [twt](https://twitter.com/iridesense_) / [tumblr](https://luvescene.tumblr.com/)


	4. i dreamt a beautiful dream that i knew i had to wake up from

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> after weeks of procrastination..... get ready to take a few angry breaks to scream and breathe!! the [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4M6s2YryEbMxxtBcvsZeLN?si=sG2KgeViS8qgE5LwvltBNA) for crying~

“I’m excited for the weekend. Aren’t you guys?” Johnny all but sinks into his chair, lectures over, and a coffee in front of him. Doyoung thinks he’s had too much.

Jaehyun sits opposite of him with the same cup of coffee, a smile identical to Johnny’s. Doyoung thinks maybe he should get Jaehyun to quit drinking too much coffee as well. They spend too much time in cafes. Jaehyun could probably name every single one within a 5 mile radius of the campus and his apartment building.

Taeyong blows on the smoke above his scalding tea. “I’m excited,” he murmurs. No coffee for him. He’d probably jump off the walls.

Taeil unpacks some sort of weird bread from a bag and passes it around. Everyone’s eyes start lighting up. There are benefits from having friends in food science. Sometimes they’re enrolled in weird electives and give out their lab projects. Taeil’s taking some sort of baking science class right now, so they get free treats.

Doyoung welcomes days like this. 

It’s become a natural event in his life where he gets together with Jaehyun’s friends (“they’re your friends too now,” Jaehyun keeps reminding him) and they eat together on campus when it’s a good day.

“Can’t believe it’s winter. The semester went by so fast,” Mark murmurs. “Man, it feels like I did nothing.” 

They all hum and nod, agreeing with the sentiment. 

Doyoung looks up, trying to remember the spring sun on his skin, then the summer heat. He loved picnics and playing in the water, lounging around eating ice cream. Then fall came with the wind and the cold swept in. Before he knew it, winter was here. 

Doyoung’s bones ached in the cold. Winter meant he would have to stay inside when he was a teenager and he hated that. Being boarded up for long hours with his classmates, four walls and an empty house that never talked back.

He shivers, bundling up closer to Jaehyun and his green coat full of downy feathers.

“Thank god for the holiday,” Yuta says with a mouth full of weirdly yellow bread. “My head is full of images of concepts that I’m just not ready to process yet. I welcome an excuse to not do anything for a few extra days.”

“The administration really knows to pick their holidays,” Sicheng mutters. “It’s just before exams too. What is a longer weekend going to do? I’m just going to end up studying anyway.”

Doyoung says amen to that. He still has to meet with his group and finalize their presentation for next week. Good thing even med students aren’t infallible to procrastination either, and they all agreed to meet after they come back from holiday.

“What about you guys? Anyone going home?” Yuta asks.

A lot of those whose home isn’t in Korea shake their heads. These kinds of short holidays make all of them—especially their foreign friends homesick.

Jungwoo quietly says, “I’m going home. Lucas is coming with me.”

_ Oohs  _ erupt from around them and Lucas beams.

“I’m kind of nervous,” Lucas says afterwards, rubbing his palms on his jeans as if he was already facing Jungwoo’s parents.

“Oh, you’ll do great. There isn’t anyone who doesn’t like you as soon as you open your mouth,” Doyoung reassures.

The others laugh, but it's true in it's own way.

Lucas grins with his teeth flashing in a glad but embarrassed smile. “So are you going home, hyung?”

“Yeah, Taeyong and I always go home around this time.”

There’s a hiss from the side and Johnny clambers to wipe at Taeyong’s hands with tissues. The others fret over him for a bit. Yuta passes his cold water bottle for him to press his fingers against. When he pulls back, there’s a slight welting on his knuckles and several spilled droplets on the wooden table.

But Taeyong isn’t looking at his burned fingers. He stares at Doyoung with bunched brows that make his eyes look helpless. Like he’s sorry for something.

Doyoung has always been weak when it came to Taeyong’s round eyes. It makes Doyoung want to protect him.

“What is it?” Doyoung asks softly.

Taeyong bites at his lips and takes the tissues from Johnny, hushing him to say he’s fine. “About that... Johnny asked me to go back with him this time.”

Doyoung feels the blood rush out of his face.

“I’m sorry, Doyoung,” Taeyong quickly apologizes. He should’ve seen this coming sooner or later. He should have known. His response is delayed out of shock, but then he remembers where he is—in front of all the others who don’t know.

“No, it’s okay. I can go alone.”

Taeyong’s head dips as his eyes flit to the others anxiously. This isn’t a conversation meant to be had out here. “I was trying to find the right time to tell you and I just...”

Doyoung reminds himself to take a breath like he’s reading a handbook. He’s flashing a reassuring smile, but it’s like dead weight on his face. There’s no emotion behind it at all.

“Doyoung..”

“Jaehyun could go with you,” Johnny jumps in to suggest.

Both Jaehyun and Taeyong look at him with surprise.

“Uh,” Jaehyun stumbles, “yeah. I could.” His face softens when Doyoung turns to him with wide eyes. “I can go with you if you want me to.”

Doyoung doesn’t know what to say. “Don’t you want to see your parents though?”

Jaehyun smiles, dimples showing in that way he knows Doyoung likes. “Madam Jung can handle seeing her son’s face over the phone this one time. My parents won’t miss me.”

Doyoung contemplates. “Okay... if you want to.”

Afterall, he has no reason to reject Jaehyun.

The others make fun of their sweet relationship, nudging at Jaehyun that he wants to meet Doyoung’s family that fast and become a son-in-law. Doyoung just smiles with his back straight against the chair and keeps mum.

They don’t know. None of them do, except Yuta.

And Yuta does send over sympathetic eyes at him. Doyoung doesn’t want the sentiment. He’s not the odd one out between them two. In fact, they’re almost the same.

Taeyong is quiet throughout lunch, wearing a guilty face the whole time.

The weekend comes quick, in a flash, before Doyoung and Taeyong have exchanged words.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,” Taeyong says as Johnny loads his suitcase into his car.

His face is overshadowed with guilt and Doyoung knows he sincerely feels bad.

It reminds him of the time they had to kneel in the teacher’s room as punishment because they got caught ditching classes. It was the first and last time Taeyong successfully convinced Doyoung not to go to school. Taeyong just kept apologizing to him while they were on their knees and told the teacher it was his fault even though they both were in trouble. Doyoung lost the position to be class president because of it.

“I know,” Doyoung says, resigned.

“I completely forgot and things were just piled up and...” Taeyong trails off, seeing how Doyoung isn’t trying to reassure him anymore.

It’s no use. When Doyoung decides not to respond, you just have to wait it out. He's not one to be moved.

“I can still call my parents and see if they’ll let you sleep there,” Taeyong offers.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Taeyong. You’re their son, not me. Why would they let someone else’s child sleep in their house when their own child isn’t coming home.”

He knows it’s harsh. But he feels like Taeyong deserves it. Just a little.

Taeyong bites his lips, glancing at Johnny already waiting in the car. The engine is rumbling loudly like a reminder that time is passing fast.  _ Choose,  _ it says. 

“I have to go but if you need me.. I’m just a phone call away.”

“I know,” Doyoung says again.

The slump of Taeyong’s shoulders just keeps getting lower and lower. When he realizes that Doyoung isn’t going to say anymore, he has no choice but to slink back into the comfort of Johnny’s leather seats.

“Tell me how tall Jeno is when I get back, okay?” Taeyong says out the window.

“Have a good holiday,” Johnny says, peeking at him from the driver’s seat.

Doyoung lets Taeyong go off with his blank face showing in the rearview mirror. Maybe it's a little undeserved to have Taeyong go the weekend feeling uneasy, but this isn’t like all the other times where he’s leaving Doyoung alone for Johnny.

This is different.

For the first time in three years, Taeyong isn’t going back with him. 

He has left Doyoung to face his fears alone.

Jaehyun meets him at the train station with a baby blue suitcase with him, the metal glossy under the cloudy morning, relatively small, but the perfect size. It’s actually quite cute.

They get on the trains, ready for the hours ride. It’s packed in the beginning, but as the train comes to each stop, more students going home file out until there are only a few people left in their compartment. 

Doyoung is quiet all the while, content to look out the passing pastures and mountains. Jaehyun plays around on his phone, snapping pictures here and there in the silence.

“It was alright of me to come, right?” he asks, uncharacteristically hesitant.

Doyoung gives him a small smile. “If it wasn’t, I would’ve told you.”

There’s still a lot that Doyoung hasn’t told him. Things that only Taeyong know and Doyoung would go strangely quiet at. The topic of family isn’t one that he brings up or shares. Jaehyun does well not to prod him when they talk about their childhood. 

Whereas Jaehyun is the single child from two loving, doting parents and loved to share anecdotes about the small things, Doyoung seldom told him about the hobbies he had as a child, what his school life was like unless it included a funny story about Taeyong.

There must be a million questions on his mind but Jaehyun doesn’t ask one, not one of them, as the train passes by town after town. His hand just stays entwined with Doyoung’s as a comforting presence. Jaehyun has always been like that. 

Patient. 

Just like he promised he would be.

There will be plenty of time later for answers, Doyoung has no doubt of that now as this weekend passes.

Taking the first step into his hometown is always a rush of emotions that Doyoung is not prepared for. The train station at his hometown still looks beaten up. Old. There is so much history in this town that seems bigger than what it actually is.

A lot of the kids are birthed here, go to school here, work here, grow old here. And others like Doyoung have been itching to get out of this damn place the first chance they get and never return.

It’s also a bit strange as he waits by the bus station that he stood in next to Taeyong every year. This year he’s doing all these steps with Jaehyun.

“It’s a little bit old,” he says grimacing at the paint chipped off the bus station long ago. A city-bred person like Jaehyun who barely takes a step out of Seoul probably isn’t used to waiting this long for the bus. Not a lot of people come into their town.

Jaehyun just smiles good naturedly and says, “I think it’s homey. Like a breath of fresh air.”

Doyoung snorts. “Said just like a city boy.”

The bus ride is fast and soon, they're rolling their suitcases into his mother’s apartment, Doyoung is hungry and a bit weary. 

The house is small and everything is just as he remembers. It feels like being in a model house, rather than a feeling of “home” like the apartment he shares with Taeyong. 

It’s the house he moved into when their mother said  _ new beginnings.  _

Doyoung never felt that. New beginnings. Instead, it felt like remnants of their childhood littered around the house, on the couch that his dad would never sit in, on the mantle where there are only Jeno and Doyoung’s high school pictures, in their separate bedrooms where quiet was the new normal, but not normal at all. Their new beginnings were in the spaces between them, wedging their family more apart than they already were.

“Hyung?”

He snaps out of his memory-filled haze as Jaehyun catches his attention. 

Something in Jaehyun’s eyes lighten as he looks at him. “Where’s the bathroom?”

Doyoung points to the hallway. The house is small enough anyway. “The one on the right. My room is the second one, by the corner on the left.”

After they make quit work to push their suitcases into the bedroom and unpack essentials, Jaehyun announces that he’s starving so Doyoung pushes him back onto the street to grab late lunch.

Bitter nostalgia hits Doyoung in the chest as he walks down the block. These streets are the ones he walked everyday for eighteen years.

He points out all the stores down the street for Jaehyun as the memories roll by. 

Old Man Jongpil spots him in the window and perks up from his half-asleep spot behind the counter. Doyoung gives a small wave.

“This is Old Man Jongpil’s fishing equipment store,” he tells Jaehyun and Jaehyun gives a quick bow. “My dad used to take me fishing when I was small,” he says. 

From inside, Jongpil’s face melts into one of those mushy looks. There’s a shiny haze to it, reminiscent of the days when Doyoung was small. Fondness and a bit of sorrow. Pity.

Doyoung averts his eyes.

He points out right across the street from the fishing store is an arcade. It’s empty since the kids aren’t out of school yet. “That’s where I talked to Taeyong for the first time. Right outside that arcade.” The sign looks new. “Seems like it’s still going strong.”

He doesn’t notice it until he turns that Jaehyun is smiling weirdly at him.

“What?”

Jaehyun shakes his head and mutters something like  _ cute.  _ “You’ve literally been in every shop down this street,” he says, eyes wandering to every sign, old and new.

“Of course. It’s a small town.”

Jaehyun breathes in the winter air as they huddle close, holding hands as they walk. He doesn’t notice that he’s looking strangely at a windowpane until Jaehyun’s hand almost yanks down on his.

“Hyung?”

A sheen overtakes his eyes as he’s lost in the memories. Those wet winter afternoons, Doyoung would rather sit in the corner and smell the pages of worn cardboard than play with others. Breezy afternoons he spent by the open windows, listening to his then-boyfriend’s voice reading his favorite new book to him.

He’s broken out of it when the front door rattles open with a push. “Doyoung, you’re back in town!” The owner of the bookstore comes out with a dusting pan.

“Sangjin hyung,” Doyoung greets with slight nerves, “yes, I’m back. The holidays.”

“Haven’t seen you in a while,” he chuckles feebly. “It’s so hard to get a peek of you when you do come back.” Sangjin looks awkward, standing there with his dust pan in the air while holding the door open. He looks at their entwined hands and then back up at Jaehyun with poorly veiled curiosity. “Who’s this? You brought back a friend?”

Jaehyun startles and greets him with a bow. “Hello. I’m Jaehyun, Doyoung’s boyfriend.” It’s his smile, the boyish one with dimples and full cheeks, that he flashes Sangjin.

It seems like a cheat move. It’s so easy to like Jaehyun with that kind of face.

Sangjin blinks before laughing with his whole chest. “Oh, wow, Doyoungie. You really caught a looker. He’s handsome. But I guess that’s how your taste has always been.” He winks generously. Then he looks around the two of them. “Where’s Taeyong?”

Before Doyoung can answer, someone else steps out. 

“Hyung, can I go now, I’ve—Doyoung?”

Doyoung’s breath gets caught in his throat.

“Jinyoung.”

He looks... different. But still the same. He’s broadened a lot more, not like the skinny and lanky teens they were before. His face is full, though lean, like he’s been eating well and living well.

“You’ve come back too?”

Doyoung just nods.

Sangjin gestures to Jaehyun just then. “And he brought his boyfriend too.”

Doyoung has to hold himself back from glaring at the bookstore owner, even though he likes the man, he can tell that Sangjin is just trying to tease Jinyoung by pointing out Jaehyun’s existence.

Jaehyun greets Jinyoung kindly, as he would naturally. “I’m Jung Jaehyun, the boyfriend,” he perks up, “and also one of Doyoung hyung’s department juniors.”

Doyoung lets him talk. He stands and says nothing that would say otherwise of Jinyoung’s relationship with him.

But Jinyoung doesn’t give Jaehyun the same sentiment, simply sparing him a brief look, scanning him down. His eyes go trailing behind them. “Where’s Taeyong?”

Of course, that’s the question he would ask.

Doyoung spreads an amicable smile at him and says, “He’s gone to his boyfriend’s hometown this year.”

Jinyoung’s eyes widen at this. “Wow,” he blurts out. His eyes flit back to Jaehyun before he says with a bit of hesitation, “You both are doing well for yourselves.”

Doyoung narrows his eyes. “What is that supposed to mean?”

Sangjin chokes out a stuttered laugh and mentions something about taking out the trash as he all but hurtles back into the store, now that the damage is done.

Jinyoung’s mouth quirks down. “I didn’t mean anything by it. You just look well,  _ Doyoung-ah.” _

Doyoung winces at how softly Jinyoung said his name. His whole body repels it. Once, it was something that rang in his ears with affection. Now it’s only bitter.

The sentiment isn’t lost to Jaehyun either. His eyes slide to Doyoung, keenly taking in his expression. Doyoung is well aware that he looks high-strung. Jaehyun places his hand on the small of Doyoung’s back as a reminder.

It’s then that Doyoung breathes clearly again.

“You look well too,” he bites out, “we’ve gotta go,” and takes Jaehyun with him by his sweater sleeve.

“Doyoung!” 

When Doyoung’s steps falter and his eyes look back, Jinyoung’s face is sullen, contemplative. He looks small up there behind them. “Let’s catch up sometime. While you’re here.”

Doyoung doesn’t want to. “Maybe.”

He can see Sangjin’s figure watching them from the window. Jaehyun almost trips with how fast Doyoung is pulling him along. 

“Great,” Doyoung mutters. “This whole town will know your name by the end of this day.”

“Is that bad?”

He sighs. “Well, you know, in small towns like this, everyone is so interested in their neighbor’s business all the time.”

“Huh,” Jaehyun latches onto Doyoung’s arm, the one that’s pulling him. “I’ll try not to ruin your reputation, Doie.”

Doyung rolls his eyes.

Jaehyun just makes kissy faces at him, lunging into Doyoung’s cheek to try to steal a kiss. Noises of protest come from Doyoung’s throat, squirming with Jaehyun’s grip on his arm. They’re in broad daylight with all of the townsfolk watching them!

“Don’t you dare, Jung Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun is so proud of himself as he chuckles. “But I want a kiss from my baby.”

“S-shut up!”

Doyoung hates it when Jaehyun calls him that. Doyoung is dignified and the older one and should definitely not be the one in this relationship to be called  _ baby  _ just because Jaehyun got first dibs and started calling him that one day, out of nowhere.

“Give your handsome boyfriend a kiss, Doie!” Jaehyun calls as Doyoung is storming off.

Doyoung tries not to kill Jaehyun on the sidewalk. But that’s only because he sees Sangjin rush over to the pharmacy, probably to tell Myungjoo Ahjumma and they should probably leave before the townspeople start sticking their heads out doors and windows to see who the newcomer is.

He doesn’t see Jaehyun’s stare lingering behind them.

The place they eat at is a restaurant that all students in their town frequent. The food is relatively cheap and the owner, Youngjoo Ahjumma, takes care of the kids really well, even giving discounts regularly.

She melted at the sight of Doyoung when he came in, a terribly fond expression taking over her face. “I’m glad you’re eating here again,” she said with a slight pitiful smile. 

No doubt because he frequented this place less in the last three years he hadn’t been back. He preferred eating where there weren’t all his high school friends were at.

“You’re getting old and sentimental, Ahjumma.”

She just laughed and told him to take a seat. Ordering was easy when Doyoung knew all the dishes and Jaehyun was happy just to get food in his stomach. He likes eating out with Doyoung a bit too much.

Jaehyun stares at the hanging menu on the wall as water gets brought to them and their orders are being cooked.

“It’ll be out soon,” Ahjumma’s daughter, Yoojin, tells them as she places a few side dishes onto their table before heading to other patrons. She’s grown into a teenager since Doyoung was gone.

“Are you sure you don’t want to eat some meat?”

Jaehyun grins at him. “I’m taking your recommendation on the japchae. I’ll see if it’s as good as you say.”

Doyoung matches his grin. “Taeyong's favorite was the japchae too. It was all we would eat every time we finished exams.”

A group comes through the door, rowdy and talking over each other. They all greet Youngjoo Ahumma with hellos and merrily make their way into the restaurant.

_ “Woah, Yoojin, you’ve grown into a woman now!” _

_ “Taken out your braces, Yoonjinnie? Those metal plates were really hiding your pretty face!” _

Doyoung restrains himself from puking on an empty stomach. Ugh. Gross. As they pass their table, he recognizes their voices. 

_ “Dude, isn’t that Kim Doyoung?” _

_ “No way, I haven’t seen him here in forever.” _

There’s snickering and then someone says,  _ “I wouldn’t show my face if I cheated on Park Jinyoung either.” _

Doyoung does his best not to look their way and not to hide his face. He’s not in the wrong here. He refuses to be embarrassed. But his palms turn into fists under the table.

_ “Who’s that next to him? I haven’t seen that face before.” _

Jaehyun visibly frowns in front of him.

_ “Woah, he’s fucking handsome.” _

_ “Oh my god, is he with Doyoung? Did Taeyong finally dump him?”  _

This time, Jaehyun turns to glare at them. Doyoung can see him opening his mouth, so he jumps to place his hand over Jaehyun’s arm in a light touch. Jaehyun swivels to him and Doyoung just shakes his head.

“It’s okay. Some people just don’t grow up even when they’re past high school,” Doyoung says very audibly.

The group grumble at this statement, some snorting as they shuffle off to the very back.

Doyoung sighs, moving his hands back to his lap.

Their noodles get served just as Yoojin turns to take the orders of the other table. Even after they dig in among the quietness, Doyoung can feel the stares on them occasionally.

After a while, Jaehyun speaks up, still swirling his noodles around. 

“Jinyoung is your ex-boyfriend.”

It’s not a question. Doyoung figures. Jaehyun isn’t dumb. He knows how to put two and two together.

Doyoung keeps his eyes down. “Yeah.”

“The one who dumped you after you applied to the same university as Taeyong.”

Doyoung affirms this with a small grunt. He picks at his noodles, letting the strands slip away from his chopsticks. 

“The one they said you cheated on.” There’s an edge to Jaehyun’s voice, a bit of anger in it. But it’s not towards Doyoung. No, it’s at those other guys. 

Jaehyun just trusts Doyoung like that.

Doyoung’s face burns. “It was a nasty breakup. I don’t really.. want to talk about it..” he winces.

Jaehyun’s stirring stops. 

For a second, Doyoung thinks he’s about to object to this, to push the envelope. 

But Jaehyun doesn’t.

He watches the reflection of Jaehyun’s face in the soup. His eyes are downcast, the corners of his mouth twitching. Then Jaehyun just sighs, frowning deeper.

“Drink some water,” he says and reaches for the container to refill Doyoung’s cup.

Doyoung takes Jaehyun to the supermarket where some of the older ladies greet him up and down the aisles. _ I haven’t seen you in so long!  _ comes from left and right.

Jaehyun chuckles at Doyoung’s hunched back when he gives out shy smiles, saying hello while wheeling the cart along.

That is until old man Lee Hwi comes along and pats Jaehyun on the back. “Ah, is this your boyfriend? Jaehyun? The ladies downtown kept saying how handsome he was!”

Jaehyun wheezes and tries to keep his polite grin on as the old-timers gather to chat over vegetables about their children and setting them up on dates.

Jaehyun leans closer to Doyoung. “You weren’t kidding about this being a small town. Everything travels fast.”

Doyoung rolls his eyes and mutters, “Told you.”

By the time they get back to the house, the sun is long gone and Doyoung washes vegetables in the kitchen. Jaehyun flops down on the couch, looking more weary than he is to just splay down and do nothing for a while.

Doyoung can’t help but laugh at him. “Did the trip wear out your city-boy muscles?”

Jaehyun quirks a brow at him. “Really? My stamina is perfectly fine. It’s not like you didn't test it out for yourself last week,” he says, flexing his arm muscles.

He’s wearing another thin sweater that drapes all over his body tightly, almost carving out all the curves and dips of his torso. The smirk that he wears says that he knows exactly what it does to Doyoung. He thinks of last week, how Jaehyun trapped him in the corner of the bathroom and held him up with just his arms as they fucked against the door.

Doyoung’s face rushes with heat. “This is not your apartment! Have some decency, Jung!” he squawks, splashing water in Jaehyun’s direction.

Jaehyun’s laugh booms across the room as he pulls a pillow from the couch, raising it above his head.

“Don’t you dare, Jung Jaeh—” 

Beeping then comes from the door, signaling that someone just punched in the code.

“Hyung,” Jeno stands in the doorway, gaping at them, “you’re home.”

He seems to have grown a bit taller, a bit broader than when Doyoung saw him last year. His hair is as fluffy as usual.

“Jeno,” Doyoung grins, moves out of the kitchen, “Come give your older brother a hug.”

Jeno drops his backpack to the ground unceremoniously and all but tackles Doyoung into his arms.

Gosh, Doyoung wheezes, “Have you been working out?” he says, mouthful of Jeno’s uniform jacket.

Jeno pulls back and smiles from ear to ear, shaking Doyoung in his excitement. “I’m on the basketball team,” he gushes.

“Proud of you,” Doyoung says back.

He doesn’t know how good Jeno is at basketball. But from the smile on Jeno’s face, he knows Jeno likes it. So as an older brother, he should support him.

“Who’s this?” Jeno peeks behind Doyoung. “Where’s Taeyong hyung?”

Doyoung inhales through his teeth. There’s that question again. He knows he’ll have to hear it a lot more this weekend. He didn’t realize just how much he and Taeyong were ingrained into people's minds as a pair until now.

Jaehyun takes the chance to stand up from the couch. “Hi. I’m Jaehyun, Doyoung hyung’s boyfriend. Taeyong is visiting his boyfriend’s hometown this year, so he’s not coming.”

“Oh,” Jeno shifts his gaze back to Doyoung, then turns back to Jaehyun, “hyung has never brought a boyfriend home.”

Jaehyun’s eyes turn to him curiously. 

It’s such a small town, but it’s true. Not once has he brought his boyfriends home.

Doyoung just smooths out Jeno’s hair. “Have you eaten yet? I’m making your favorite..”

Jeno’s face practically glows, “I didn’t,” but then he lowers his head a little, eyes dimming. “But aren’t you tired? I can cook for myself too.”

Doyoung has no doubt about that. He’s seen the pictures on instagram of him and Jaemin trying out different baking recipes. Who else is going to feed him while Doyoung is gone?

Doyoung squishes Jeno’s face in both his palms, cooing, “But I want to spoil my little brother.”

Jeno struggles in Doyoung’s grip, whining that he’s too old to be coddled like this now, but the crescents in his eyes tell another story.

“It’ll be ready soon,” he says and pats Jeno on his cute little bottom. “Go wash up.”

Dinner with both his boyfriend and his brother at the same table is an experience. They both like teasing Doyoung way too much. Normally, Jeno is rather tame and well-behaved, but since Doyoung’s been gone, he’s caught some snotty teenage habits from his friends that include making side comments in conversations. Jaehyun adds on by snickering.

Jeno gobbles up the food like the growing boy he is, even sighing while patting his stomach. “I wanna eat this everyday.”

“I wanna eat this everyday too,” Jaehyun chirps and turns to pout at Doyoung. “Hyung, why don’t you ever cook for me more. We’ve been wasting time eating out. From now on, date night means staying in and cooking.”

Doyoung tuts at him. “You are a mess in the kitchen. You don’t know your own strength and you think that kicking onion peels out of sight means  _ cleaning.” _

“I have control of my strength! Why are you complaining anyway? You said you like it when I—”

“Oh my god!” Jeno exclaims, clapping his hands over his ears, “Please, do not talk about your nasty activities at the dinner table. I eat here!”

Jaehyun gives a goofy, abashed smile, while Doyoung goes completely red in front of his brother. Jeno scrunches his face up in disgust.

“Gross. College has changed you, hyung.”

Jaehyun perks up straight in his seat, suddenly taking out his phone. “Hey, do you want to see when Doyoung hyung  _ cried  _ during Taeyong’s birthday?”

Jeno grips his chopsticks excitedly. “Oh,  _ do I?” _

The two also bond over basketball, of which Doyoung had no interest in listening to. Jaehyun is way too cocky about his abilities and Jeno takes to him like a shiny action figure. So Doyoung just goes to fetch Jeno’s present from his suitcase. 

“Here,” Doyoung says as he slides back into his seat and casually passes the present to Jeno.

When Jeno slowly peels the wrapping off carefully, as if it was part of the present, his eyes soften as he sees the picture on the box.

“Hyung...” Jeno looks up, lips trying to lift into a smile that is more sad than anything.

“Don’t look like that, Jeno.” Doyoung reaches over the table to pat Jeno on the shoulder. “You’re getting older now. You should have an electric razor like this instead of those cheap throw-away ones. Plus, it’s efficient.”

Doyoung tries hard to hide the words he wants to say.  _ Who else is going to teach you these things if not me?  _ Not when their father isn’t around anymore to care enough.

Jeno’s eyes curve into that smile everyone adores as he presses the box into his chest. “Thanks, hyung. I’ll use it well.”

Doyoung’s chest throbs at the action. “Of course you will.”

It turns into bed time way too early and both Jaehyun and Doyoung are tired from a day of traveling and walking so they’re both glad to turn in and do nothing else. For a second, he thinks it would have been better to take Jaehyun’s offer to drive.

Maybe next time, he thinks.

The thought shocks Doyoung’s tired mind awake. But then he thinks of seeing how Jaehyun got along with his brother so well, and it puts him back at ease. If he could last this long with Doyoung, then surely everything else would come at ease.

Doyoung dries the last of his hair and shuffles into his childhood bedroom. The house is still small and there are only three rooms which means Jaehyun has to share with him, making them snuggle under the blankets.

“Cozy,” Jaehyun grins as they squish into his twin size bed.

It’s a bit small for two fully grown men, especially one that regularly works out just to maintain his six-pack abdomen.

Doyoung tries not to elbow him into the face.

“No funny business,” he warns when they’re face to face.

“Of course not,” Jaehyun says, gladly teasing him. “I wouldn’t want to embarrass my baby on his first night home.”

Doyoung scoffs and buries his face into Jaehyun’s chest so he doesn’t have to see that scheming face of his.

“Hey,” the volume in Jaehyun’s voice lowers as he treads carefully, “whatever happens, you know that I’m here for you, right?”

Doyoung exhales and nods into Jaehyun’s chest.

He can feel Jaehyun’s hands snake around his torso and pull him close, wrapping Doyoung up in his scent and warmth of his body heat.

Doyoung reciprocates by laying his palms flat onto Jaehyun’s chest, feeling the throbbing of his heart under his fingertips.

For the first time since he’s come back, Doyoung feels comfort. In this quiet small town that buzzes louder than the bustling streets of Seoul, Doyoung lets his muscles melt to the sound of Jaehyun’s heartbeat, pulsing at a faster pace than average.

It was a good idea to let Jaehyun come with him, he thinks, as he gives into the heaviness of his consciousness.

Doyoung is usually an early riser, but today, he wakes up a bit later than usual. When he pads into the living room, the next morning, he sees his mother.

It’s almost ten in the morning. What is she still doing in the house?

Usually his mother would already be off at some work related event, even on the weekends. But here she is, bustling around the kitchen, putting what looks like eggs into boxes.

“Oh,” she says when she sees Doyoung, “you’re home.”

“I’m home,” he echoes.

There’s no doubt that she knew. Men’s shoes don’t just appear in the doorway of your own house on their own like magic.

She smiles, finishing what she was doing before. He watches her in silence.

It’s awkward. She doesn't look any different from the last time he saw her. Maybe apart from the short haircut, she still looks a bit older. It’s like Doyoung knows all the rooms in this house, where all the mugs are, where the kitchen utensils are, but he feels like a stranger in this house that his family lives in.

“Doie? Baby?”

Doyoung turns to see Jaehyun rubbing his eyes sleepily from the hallway. When he sees Doyoung’s mother, he’s shocked awake and gives a deep bow.

“Hello, eomonim,” he says with his voice raspy, still deep with sleep.

She smiles politely. “You brought a friend home,” she says with soft delight.

Doyoung wonders how she can do it. How she just smiles like that like everything’s fine. Doyoung can’t. He can’t even make the effort to try.

Doyoung just gives a short grunt in acknowledgment. “My boyfriend.”

This makes her eyes widen. “Oh,” she says.

And that’s all she says.

Whereas other people would mention Taeyong by their second sentence, his mother doesn’t. 

Does she even care?

But there isn’t an answer because his mother is patting her hands down her apron before making a move to take it off. “I made breakfast for Jeno, but you can make anything you want from the fridge too.”

Doyoung notices that she’s dressed in her work attire. She must be going somewhere again.

“I did that yesterday,” he mentions.

She stills, but only for a second, before she’s going into the living room and picking up her coat.

“I’ve gotta get going. I have lunch with a client. But you boys have fun.”

She moves with a slow pace as if she’s out of place in her own home, just like Doyoung is. The look on her face seems like she has something left to say, or she’s waiting for Doyoung to say something, but all that happens is her movement from one corner to the next.

It’s like plucking a splinter wedged into the skin. Slow and torturous.

Doyoung just watches as she flits around to gather all her things, feeling useless. He can feel the distance between them in the same room. And he wonders how a person he’s known his whole life, the person that birthed him, could feel like such a stranger.

When she stands by the door, it’s with a pained smile. “I’m leaving then,” she says again and out the door she goes.

Jaehyun mumbles a quick “goodbye” just before the door shuts.

There’s beeping, signaling the door locking, and it’s like the whole room exhales in relief.

Doyoung turns, meeting Jaehyun’s eyes. They’re brimming with curiosity but Doyoung doesn’t say anything and Jaehyun doesn’t ask.

“I’ll wake Jeno up for breakfast. Go get the table ready, please.”

The said boy is in deep slumber on his bed with a switch laid next to his splayed hand. He probably fell asleep playing video games again.

Jeno looks so peaceful like this.

Doyoung can see the difference from how much he grew up. Jeno’s stubble is protruding just slightly. No longer the boy who used to cry for Doyoung to accompany him in the room whenever mom and dad would fight. Jeno used to fall asleep with tear streaks down his cheeks, just like this. But now he’s just dreaming away, no worries at all.

“Jeno-yah,” Doyoung combs a hand through his messy bed hair, “time for breakfast.”

Jeno blinks his eyes open, slowly, but his smile blooms when he sees Doyoung leaning over him. Doyoung thought he would be more grumpy, but it seems Jeno is just as complacent as ever.

“Okay, hyung,” he rasps and rolls his feet onto the floor.

When they join Jaehyun at the table, Doyoung stares at the breakfast his mother made with a little skepticism. 

A meal made by his mother’s hands. How long has he not had this? It feels like such a foreign concept to him now.

At the first spoon of the soup, familiarity burst into his tongue. He has to put down the spoon in his hand because he’s trying to process it. It tastes like the soup back from his childhood, when their father still sat at the table to eat breakfast because he bothered. When Doyoung would spill food onto the table and their mother just laughed instead of yelling.

A meal made of love. But Doyoung couldn’t understand it.

“She’s trying, you know?” 

Doyoung whips his head up to see Jeno mumbling over his rice. “What?”

“Ever since you left, she’s kind of been better. She tries these things like making breakfast for me. Picking me up after hagwon. Sometimes, she even comes home early to make sure I have dinner or that I’m not studying too hard.”

Doyoung frowns. He doesn’t know how he should be taking this.

“I think she feels the emptiness, hyung. And she’s getting old.”

But everyone gets old. Why is it now that their mother has decided to step up? Why start when Doyoung is gone?  _ Absence makes the heart grow fonder?  _ What bullshit.

Doyoung tries not to let the sourness rise when he says, “Great. I’m glad she’s doing better. You deserve that.”

Jeno knows it’s not quite the answer Doyoung should have, but it’s good enough. Progress. It’s good enough.

Jaehyun clears his throat. “So what are you doing today, Jeno? It’s Sunday and I hope you’re not like Doyoung who only has his studies on his mind. I’d imagine that’s what he did even as a teenager.”

Jeno snorts. “Oh yeah, don’t I know it. He used to hole himself up in that bookstore or at school doing self-study everyday during high school. The teachers were so proud of him to the point of being worried.”

“He does that, doesn’t he?” Jaehyun scrunches his nose and uses that weird voice he calls Doyoung  _ baby  _ in. “I swear sometimes I think I hear him recite formulas in his sleep.”

Jeno’s smile reaches his ears. “Hyung talks in his sleep?”

“So what are your plans?” Doyoung asks loudly, glaring at the two of them for ganging up on him.

Jaehyun cackles back.

The spoon in Jeno’s hand smacks the table lightly as he responds, “I’m going with Jaemin to the arcade. Hyungs, you should come with us. Doyoung used to go to that place with Taeyong all the time!”

Doyoung smirks. “Jaemin? I don’t think I want to interrupt a teenager’s date.”

Jeno complains loudly with his ears burning. “It’s not a date! Jaemin and I are just friends!”

Doyoung doesn’t hold back the snort that comes out. “ _ Just friends, _ ” he mocks. “You like him, Jeno. Trust me. I know that look anywhere. It’s—” and like that, he closes his mouth, eyes veering to Jaehyun with apprehension.

Jaehyun matches his gaze but what’s behind his expression, Doyoung can’t tell.

Jaehyun turns to Jeno. “If you like him,” he begins tenderly, “you should tell him. Don’t just keep it all bottled in and wait.”

Doyoung nods, feeling hallowed out. “Don’t let it be until it’s too late, Jeno.”

Jeno grumbles, face on fire and just stuffs his face with rice instead of answering.

The arcade is just as popular as it was when Doyoung remembers it being. This place was where Taeyong dragged Doyoung to have a little teenage rebellion. It’s nice to see that it is still running without trouble. On a Sunday afternoon, it is completely run over by kids with nothing else to do on a winter’s day but stay inside where there’s a heater and entertainment.

“Hyung! You have to challenge Jeno! He’s getting too cocky!” 

Jaemin pulls at his arm to the air hockey table and places him by his side. “Doyoung hyung is going to play for me!” Jaemin beams like Doyoung is his brother and not Jeno’s.

Jeno pouts. “That’s cheating! You know Doyoung doesn’t miss when it comes to games with strategy.”

“Every game is a strategy game, Jeno-yah,” Jaemin taunts.

Jeno practically throws down his paddle and turns to the side. “Jaehyun hyung, you said you’re good at bowling and stuff, you play for me!”

Doyoung snorts. He admits, there isn’t a sport that he’s seen that Jaehyun doesn’t excel in.

So Jaehyun takes Jeno’s place by his pressure with a smug grin on his face. Doyoung sneers at him. “You can’t cheat at this game, Jung.”

“Oh, stop being a sore loser. I win at most games where I don’t cheat too.”

Doyoung tsks and hits the puck when Jaehyun is still distracted.

“Now that’s cheating, hyung!”

Doyoung had a head start and it looked like a tie for a while, but as usual, Jaehyun ends up winning the last round and Doyoung ends up with stinging fingers because he banged against the rim of the table too hard.

Jaemin and Jeno don’t even pay any attention to them and just went shuffling off to play shooting games. Doyoung just sighs as he stands behind them. They’re so noisy. They’re probably the loudest pair in this whole place.

“Lose! Lose! LOSE!”

Jaehyun leans back onto one of the machines next to him. “They have a good relationship,” he comments.

Doyoung laughs. “Yeah, they sure do. Jaemin is the best thing that happened to him since our parents divorced. It gave him an excuse to just play and not be in the house.”

“Is Jaemin to Jeno like...” Jaehyun glances at him, letting the words trail off.

“No,” Doyoung says quickly. “If I ever thought that Jaemin was like Taeyong to Jeno, I wouldn’t have let them continue being friends.”

Surprise takes over Jaehyun’s face. It must be the first time he’s hearing such a thought from Doyoung.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Doyoung wrings his fingers together, “Taeyong is the best thing that happened to me, but I don’t want Jeno to need that. I don’t want Jeno to need someone like I need Taeyong.”

Jaehyun keeps his stare ahead at the boys, ruminating in his words. Jaemin is screaming in Jeno’s ears, trying to distract him or annoy him enough to mess up his aim. 

“You’re your own person, hyung. You shouldn’t forget that.”

Doyoung feels a sigh building inside him. It isn’t just that easy. “You wouldn’t understand, Jaehyun.” 

Jaehyun finally turns to him, brows furrowed. “Why do you always say that?”

Doyoung finds his spine straightening. “I just...” he trails off, but he can’t find a solid response.

Jaehyun is  _ upset _ at him.

His eyes angle downward intensely, shoulders pulled taut. “I’m trying to understand, hyung. I’ve been trying all this time and I can’t do it all by myself.”

Doyoung goes breathless. 

_ Oh,  _ this is—we’re arguing.

He watches as the harsh look in Jaehyun’s eyes quickly melt into regret. He looks like a scolded child when he dips his head down.

“I’m sorry,” Jaehyun says quietly. “That was insensitive. I said I wouldn’t push.”

It feels like there’s cotton in his mouth. Doyoung swallows. “This town makes people do crazy things,” is what comes out of his mouth. As if he could place the blame somewhere else.

He doesn’t know what to say. 

They feel so out of place among the screaming kids and video arcade sounds. They don’t even realize that Jaemin is no longer screaming and the boys are coming their way.

“Hyung! Jaemin says he’s hungry!”

Doyoung clears his throat and looks at the two clueless souls. “Right. It should be time for some late lunch. What should we have?”

Jaehyun pushes off the machine he was leaning on. “Choose a place. It’s my treat.”

Jaemin’s head bounces at the suggestion. “Doyoung hyung’s rich boyfriend is treating? Wow, I like this hyung! Let’s keep him!”

“My name is Jaehyun. Put some respect into it,” Jaehyun swings his arm around Jaemin to put him into a headlock, “brat.”

They eat at some new shop that just opened up. Jaemin gets carted off with Doyoung to order while Jeno is emitting a strange vibe to him.

When they get back, Jaehyun’s eyes twinkle with an amused glint in them.

“What happened?” Doyoung asks cautiously as they sit down.

Jaehyun shakes his head and just grasps at Doyoung’s hand lightly. “Your little brother is cute. He's all grown up.”

“What?” Doyoung deadpans at Jeno. “Did you ask Jaehyun for love advice or something? You shouldn't, by the way, not everyone has his face.”

Jeno reddens and starts bickering with Jaemin when he teases him.

Eventually, they part ways so the older boys could let Jeno and Jaemin spend the rest of their free time together. Jeno makes death threats with his eyes when Doyoung waves at them, giggling and mouthing  _ good luck  _ to his little brother with his date.

Doyoung then gestures to the open dirt road at the other side of town. “Come on, I wanna show you the most beautiful place here.”

Doyoung leads Jaehyun past a local high school, past the fields, quite a short trip really. They stop at Jongho’s little convenience store to get drinks. Everyone knows Jongho’s store because it’s the perfect place to stop by before you went to school or for a quick pick-me-up during hagwon breaks.

Doyoung shoots a quiet hello to Jongho, ever dutifully manning the store and walks straight in. It’s a cozy place that’s just as good as the stores in Seoul. It even has some of the local dishes in a frozen package to heat up if you wanted. He manages to see some familiar stragglers from high school grouping by the side as they argue over ramen.

They don’t seem to notice him. Doyoung has no plans on dealing with that so he’ll just make this fast.

In quick succession, Doyoung snatches a juice pack and a banana milk, and then hot bar sausages just for the hell of it, dumping the items all into Jaehyun’s arms.

“Why am I paying again?” Jaehyun whines. “You know, I’m starting to think you’re dating me for my money.”

Doyoung just shushes him. “Hey, we’re on holiday, right? Think of it as using your vacation money.”

Jaehyun clicks his tongue, taking out his card anyway.

Doyoung hums, satisfied with himself. He surveys the miscellaneous items near check-out. “Hey, I used to drink this all the time as a child.” Doyoung picks up a cider bottled drink, purple packaging in the front of it, probably grape.

Jaehyun looks over and chuckles. “Is that why you bought all those grape lollipops for me, baby?”

Doyoung’s face reacts before the rest of his body does. “No,” he retorts. He’s flushing and makes a quick swivel towards the exit, leaving Jaehyun to pay and heat up the hot bars.

“Stupid,” Doyoung mutters.

Eventually, Doyoung ends up at the corner of the store where there’s a vending machine in a wide alley. There’s a table and some chairs back here. It’s a dingy spot where you could pass right by and not notice. He spots the caffeinated drinks, wondering if he should just get one for Jaehyun. It doesn’t seem like he’s had any coffee while they were here. He eyes the cans in the machine, deciding which one might be better.

“I’d recommend the hazelnut one,” a familiar voice says from behind him.

Doyoung’s back tingles, dread rolling down him as he turns.

“I didn’t think you drank coffee. You never liked it,” Jinyoung says, innocently standing next to him. “College has really changed you, huh?”

“It’s you again,” Doyoung says with a dead tone.

“We said we would talk. Now is as good a time as ever, isn’t it?” His eyes flicker out behind him, watching the lowering sun cast the sky with a strange washed out blue.

Jinyoung always used to do that—look out the window to tell time as if he wished it passed by faster. They were similar in that way. Both stuck in a place where they knew the seasons too well.

“I never said we would talk. You said that.”

Doyoung doesn’t want to think back, to remember the details.

“I just want to make peace,” Jinyoung says, eyes coming back to him.

“I made my peace,” Doyoung shuts him down. “Let’s go our separate ways now.”

This answer frustrates Jinyoung. His face twists into this ugliness—contempt, jealousy—for just a fraction of a moment. Doyoung thinks he should have seen it coming all those other times he looked at Taeyong like that.

“I just want an explanation, Doyoung. You can’t do this to me after all this time—”

“After all this time?” Doyoung scoffs, astonishment dripping from his words. “If anyone’s owed an explanation here, it should be  _ me. _ ”

Ugliness rears its head in again. Jinyoung looks nothing like the polite boy he was when he was by Doyoung’s side.

“You fooled me, Kim Doyoung! If you liked Taeyong all that time, you shouldn’t have started with me in the first place! You made me think I was special!”

The words burn and the severity of how loud they are just makes Jinyoung’s whole being quake. The quietness of the nature around them is so contrastingly unbearable.

Doyoung keeps his voice leveled. “Is that why you lied about me? I never cheated on you. You know that.”

“I didn’t start those rumors,” Jinyoung says quietly.

“You didn’t tell them the truth either.”

Jinyoung stays silent, face heating up.

“You want to know why I chose Taeyong over you? Why after you dumped me, I didn’t plead for you or tell you  _ I can explain?” _ Doyoung tells him point-blank, “Because you weren’t worth it. Taeyong is someone you’ll never be to me. He was there before you and he will still be there after you. Even though you chased me for months, there is no one who could compare to him. Isn’t that why you broke up with me? Because you already knew?”

Jinyoung’s pupils shake hearing Doyoung talk him down. He has always been so full of pride. They were alike in that way. 

But then, he sees something else.

Jinyoung’s eyes flit behind Doyoung, widening in surprise.

_ Oh. Oh no. _

Doyoung turns to see Jaehyun’s lone figure, standing at the end of the alley with their bag of goodies hanging from fingers. His expression is unreadable, completely blank, as he gazes at them. Then, he leaves without saying a word, shuffling past the alley and out of view.

_ He heard.  _ Doyoung’s words come to bite him back.

Doyoung is quick to chase after him if only he wasn’t snatched back by Jinyoung’s hand.

“Doyoung, wait—”

He yanks his arm back out of the hold. “What?” he hisses. “Ruining one relationship isn’t enough for you?”

“I—” Jinyoung’ reels back at Doyoung’s fierce reaction. Then, the words settle and his face is overshadowed with guilt. That look. Doyoung hates that look the most. “I’m sorry, I just wanted to make things right. I didn’t mean—”

“Jinyoung, please,” Doyoung stops him, limbs feeling weak as they dangle by his side, “I don’t care anymore. Back then, when you just let the rumors spread, it hurt. Even through everything, I really did like you, you know?”

Doyoung watches as the sunset reflects in Jinyoung’s eyes as they widen and tears gather. 

It’s too late for that.

“Are you happy where you are, Jinyoung? We both had the same dream: to escape. You escaped this wretched town and I escaped with Taeyong. So let’s leave it behind. I don’t want to look back anymore, to think of us, and feel pain every time. Let me move on. No more explanations.”

Jinyoung’s shoulders deflate.

“I’m trying,” Doyoung says, “So why don’t you?”

Jinyoung’s lips spread into a sad smile. “You’ve always been like that. Whenever I think I had you, you just go back into your world with Taeyong. Even though everyone acted their meanest, no one could hurt you. Now you’re out of my grasp again, Doyoung.”

He sees the fire die in Jinyoung’s eyes. They come to an understanding. 

“I’m sorry,” Jinyoung says one last time.

When Doyoung breaks into a frenzied pace to hurry out the alley, Jinyoung’s voice rings out with a question that slows him in his tracks.

“Do you like him that much?”

Doyoung leaves the question unanswered and runs up the unpaved road. 

When he’s long gone, Jinyoung slumps against the vending machine, alone in the alley.

“Jung Jaehyun, huh?”

There’s nowhere to hide with the fields on one side and the lake on the other.

Jaehyun is not far, settled leisurely along the lake when Doyoung catches up to him. He doesn’t make any movement at Doyoung’s presence. He just continues staring out at the lake, their bag of snacks sitting in his lap.

“It really is beautiful here,” Jaehyun says.

Doyoung looks out at it. He’s right. The lake is frozen over right now, being used as a skating rink for the kids, but the sight of the sun dipping below the trees beyond and sunlight filtering in and out towards the lake is a marvel that Seoul skylines could never compare to.

“It is the only thing I could miss,” Doyoung admits. “Taeyong and I used to ice skate here. It’s one of my fondest memories when I was eighteen.”

“You have a lot of memories here,” Jaehyun says.

_ But not any that I want to keep,  _ Doyoung thinks.  _ Not more than our memories,  _ he wants to say.

He sits down next to Jaehyun, looking out at the same view as him. This lake is beautiful, because of the time he spent here. But what about Jaehyun? Is it just as beautiful for him?

“Jaehyun, what is it like to have a whole family? To be loved everywhere you go?” He thinks of Taeyong, his perfect face and the envious followers who ruined him. “To be confident no matter who’s against you?”

“I think you’re plenty confident.”

Doyoung lets out a single weary laugh. “I just act like it. But inside, I’m always terrified. The kids at my middle school terrified me. They all knew my parents hated each other. They knew because their parents knew and their parents knew because our neighbors heard my parents fight every night.”

“Hyung—”

But Doyoung barrels over him. He’s already started and he can’t stop now. “They made fun of me, saying I was going to be a child of divorced parents. I don’t know why they cared so much, but I was so  _ ashamed. _ ”

Jaehyun turns to him with glittering eyes. 

“It’s okay,” Doyoung says. “I met Taeyong.”

He looks back out to the lake and Jaehyun follows. 

“This town is horrible, Jaehyun. But Taeyong was my light. He made it bearable. We did everything together because I was the only one who understood how he liked being quiet. So I protected him and he protected me. We promised to always be beside each other.” Doyoung points to the lake before them. “When we were eighteen, we made that promise right here.”

Laughter echoes in his ears. He can feel the wind just as strong as that winter they spent just skating the day away. They must have looked so small from where Doyoung sits now. Going circles around the lake with no direction.

“That was the year when Jinyoung broke up with me.” Doyoung hears Jaehyun take in a sharp breath. “His friends spread rumors that I cheated on him and well, the other people believed him. Taeyong was the only one by my side. When my dad finally walked out on us, he was there. When no one believed me, he was there. So when I say that no one else can compare—”

He’s interrupted as Jaehyun abruptly stands up. Dirt kicks up around them.

“Jaehyun?” Doyoung slowly rises too. Jaehyun’s back is towards him.

It takes a second for Jaehyun to turn back around, but when he does, it takes the breath right out of Doyoung’s lungs.

“I said I wouldn’t push,” he says softly. “I didn’t need any answers before, so don’t explain just because of  _ that guy. _ ” Jaehyun throws his hand back to the barren road behind them.

His eyes sparkle, tearless, but it’s an expression that could make even the most stoic person break down. Doyoung has never seen him make this kind of face before. Jaehyun is  _ hurt  _ because of him.

Doyoung takes a step towards him. “Let me finish—” Jaehyun looks like he wants to interrupt, “ _ let me finish,  _ because I want you to hear this!” 

Jaehyun is quiet, staring. 

Doyoung didn’t think it possible, but Jaehyun suits this place. With his hair messy from the wind, cheeks red from the winter air, Jaehyun looks so beautiful. Doyoung thinks that if Jaehyun grew up in his hometown, he would’ve liked him here too.

Jaehyun looks like he belongs with Doyoung wherever.

Doyoung wants to hold him.

“None of this matters,” Doyoung gestures to the lake and the woods around them, “the answers I wouldn't give you, the things I won't talk about. Because I promised myself that when Taeyong and I went to Seoul together, I was going to leave all the memories here and start over. I’m going to do it,” his voice cracks, “I’m trying to leave it behind, but it’s hard.” He swipes a hand across his face but it’s dry.

Jaehyun’s expression crumbles.

“I’m sorry,” he says, “I know it’s hard and I’m sorry.” 

It’s all Jaehyun can say here. In this place, Jaehyun is not Doyoung’s light.

So swiftly, Jaehyun closes the distance between them. His warm palms cup his cheek and his mouth crashes onto Doyoung’s in haste. It’s like he wants to say  _ keep me in there too.  _ And Doyoung does. Doyoung will. The kiss is chaste and dry, but Doyoung will take it.

“Let’s go back,” Jaehyun says into his lips, pressing their foreheads together.

It feels more than just that. It’s a plea to leave all this behind and return to Seoul, where they were both idealistic and none the wiser about the world Doyoung hid here.

Doyoung lets Jaehyun drag him down the path they came from. They walk the whole way drinking their packs and sharing the hot bar between them. They watch as the sky darkens further and the street lights flicker on.

Both of them leave, a little lighter, a little heavier, and a little more helpless than before.

They take on the same routine as the first night. Doyoung showers first and then Jaehyun after him. Doyoung feels so much more exhausted than the first even though all they did was play all day. When Jaehyun slides in after him, it’s a welcome feeling.

They shuffle a bit, trying to find a better position with all their cramped limbs. Jaehyun presses up against him as best as possible so one of his limbs isn't hanging off the ledge.

“Are you sure this is a twin bed?” Jaehyun mutters as he curls his legs up, knocking into the back of Doyoung’s knees. 

Doyoung grunts, “That’s because you’re just as tall as me. And you’re so much bigger than Taeyong. It’s so much more cramped.”

Jaehyun freezes. “You used to sleep in this bed with Taeyong?”

Doyoung bites his lip, cursing himself in his head. “We.. used to sleep over sometimes. At his house more than mines, of course,” he says quietly.

He feels Jaehyun huff into the back of his neck, his nose poking him there. When Jaehyun reigns him in, pulling him into a tight hug with one arm pressed around his front, it feels... possessive.

Involuntarily, the warmth that radiates from Jaehyun’s front pressing against his back stirs desire in his stomach. It feels weird to be turned on right now. Almost like Jaehyun has conditioned him to want him wherever and whenever he’s near, to want his skin on his, to be held all the time.

“Jeno said you didn’t bring any of your boyfriends home before. That must mean you haven’t done this in your bed..” Jaehyun whispers behind him.

The hand that strokes his skin drifts higher, hiking up his shirt up to the elbows. When Jaehyun’s groin meets him full against the ass, Doyoung can’t hide his gasp. Wandering fingers slide between either side of a nipple and rub back and forth with the lightest touch. 

It’s barely enough. Doyoung is throbbing in his pants, wanting more. 

A wave of shame passes through Doyoung’s body. He hides his face into the pillow, afraid of making any noise. He can’t help the lust that’s growing heavy between his legs.

“We shouldn’t,” he gasps.

Isn’t this a little too cruel? Doing this in his childhood bed, the bed he shared with Taeyong...

“Hm?” Jaehyun grates his pelvis into him, brushing his hardness into his back with whatever friction their clothes could allow. He reaches an arm to Doyoung’s front and palms the tent that has formed there. “Hyung, what did you say?” His voice maintains a facade of innocence while his hand is just in on top of Doyoung’s pajama pants, doing almost nothing at all.

Doyoung shakes his head, buried into the pillow. His nails drag against Jaehyun’s arm to keep going.

Jaehyun’s arms wrap around Doyoung, binding them together like glue. “Doyoung,” he pants, almost growling behind him. Teeth scrape across the back of his neck. 

_ It’s hot,  _ Doyoung thinks as he grips onto the sheets and bites down his moans. Their legs tangle together and the bed squeaks from the subtle undulation of their humping.

It takes him by surprise when Jaehyun hastily pulls down Doyoung’s pants by the waistband. Cold air meets his bare skin and there’s more rustling behind him. Doyoung is a sticky mess in the front. He feels Jaehyun, hot against his ass, before he can see it so his head drops back down pliantly.

Jaehyun’s cock is heavy against the inside of his thigh. It’s leaking and wet as Jaehyun slides the head roughly onto the skin between his legs.

Oh, he thinks.  _ “Oh,” _ Doyoung moans out loud.

Jaehyun is fucking his thighs. He’s—

Doyoung gasps when he looks down and he  _ feels  _ as Jaehyun’s cock brushes under his balls, slides all the way through and curves to graze his twitching mess. Doyoung unintentionally clenches his legs together and it only envigors Jaehyun to thrust harder. 

He feels the bed dipping and Jaehyun rearranges himself behind him. Suddenly, Jaehyun is all plush against him. At this angle, the tip pushes past his ass cheeks and brushes against his hole, bypassing it completely and into the tight space between his legs. He can almost imagine if Jaehyun was really inside him, how deep he would be. All the places he would hit, making pricks of pleasure melt Doyoung right in place.

“Oh,” Doyoung mewls, muffling his moan into the sheets.

Jaehyun holds onto his hip with an iron grip, white bleeds into his already blushing skin. It’s quiet except for the sounds of the bed surrendering to their weight and their pants so loud in each other’s ears.

As usual, Jaehyun has Doyoung pinned right where he wants him. Doyoung can do nothing to resist the temptation even when Jaehyun holds him with an edge in his grip.

In the dead of night, in the bed Doyoung shared with Taeyong, Jaehyun tucks Doyoung in tighter to him and fucks away. Doyoung keeps his moans trapped in his throat, the quietest  _ “uh”s  _ escaping his panting lips when his body is pushed and pulled where Jaehyun wants.

“Not gonna last,” Jaehyun says into his ear.

Doyoung whimpers, “come,” and Jaehyun drives into him a little rougher than before.

He can almost feel the moment when Jaehyun’s losing control of himself. After getting to know his body so intimately, Doyoung can just tell. Jaehyun’s groans are more unrestrained. He clenches onto Doyoung with a tightness that’s more than just physical, it’s the desire to be close.

“Inside, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun grunts, feeling Doyoung take hold of his length. “It’s dry, Doie,” he says a little panicked when he feels Doyoung guiding him to his entrance.

“It’s okay,” Doyoung says while insistently rubbing Jaehyun against the pucker to make the slide easier.

It’s absolutely sinful how Doyoung rubs Jaehyun’s precome around his entrance and presses the tip of his cock in, just barely breaching through but it’s enough. Jaehyun gives a final groan and dribbles of clear white spill between the crease and down the curve where his thigh and cheek meets. His rim feels sticky immediately from their last minute attempt.

A rough hand takes Doyoung in the front. Jaehyun’s hand is already slippery from how much Doyoung leaked, his precome mixed in with Jaehyun’s in between his thighs. 

“Make a mess, baby,” Jaehyun whispers into his skin, then scrapes his teeth at the junction of Doyoung’s shoulder and bites.

Doyoung muffles a cry.

Marking him again. God, is he an animal?

Jaehyun jerks him with a rapid rhythm that has Doyoung forcing his eyes shut. With a few thrusts into Jaehyun’s fist, Doyoung unravels quickly and spurts into his palm.

He pants heavily when the orgasm is over, washing him into a daze. He swallows big gulps of air like he hasn’t breathed properly in a while. 

Doyoung can’t believe Jaehyun seduced him so easily to do this in his childhood bed.

When he looks up, Jaehyun is stripped of his shirt and wiping their mess with it, his hips, his front, in between Doyoung’s legs and all over the mattress. 

_ Disgusting,  _ he thinks,  _ -ly hot  _ when Jaehyun’s pectorals make an appearance.

Doyoung sneers when Jaehyun just throws the shirt to the corner of the bed and then flashes a dumb grin at him.

“You’re juvenile, Jung.”

Jaehyun flops back into bed next to him, smothering his laughter into Doyoung’s neck. “Says the guy who got rock hard instantly just because I rubbed my crotch against him a bit.”

“Shut up. You suck at cleaning,” Doyoung retorts, flipping back over.

Jaehyun doesn’t stick to him like before, but it nevertheless has the same comfort. His hand smooths up and down Doyoung’s back, like waves of calm brushing over him. 

After a while, Doyoung’s eyes flutter shut to the repetitive touch, letting Jaehyun do what he wanted when he eventually transitioned to playing with the baby hairs above Doyoung’s neck. Jaehyun’s thumb rubs against the place where he bit, making circular motions over and over like lulling a baby. 

It feels like they’re not here. They’re back in Jaehyun’s apartment, under the shield of his wide windows and not his crappy blinds, laying in Jaehyun’s bed surrounded by the scent of Jaehyun’s new flavor of the week.

“Doyoung.” Jaehyun speaks so quietly.

Doyoung makes a humming noise of acknowledgement.

The rubbing motions stop. 

“I love you.”

There’s silence. Jaehyun’s hand on his shoulder starts weighing more and more. Doyoung hasn’t even taken more than half a breath before Jaehyun starts again.

“I love you,” Jaehyun repeats, “I don’t need an answer. I just want you to know.”

The air is thick as the seconds pass and Doyoung lies there without saying a single word. Not moving an inch.

He remembers where they are.

Then, just barely above a whisper, “You shouldn’t...” Doyoung mumbles.

It was so quiet, Jaehyun isn’t completely sure he heard it right. “What?”

“You shouldn’t have said that here,” Doyoung repeats, shaking.

Jaehyun’s hand slips off as Doyoung turns his body to face him. A teardrop gleams as it slips down his face and drops onto the pillow. A second wave of shock strikes Jaehyun in the chest. He forgets to breathe as Doyoung looks at him. In the darkness, Jaehyun can barely make out his face, but it’s enough to see how his eyes overflow and sadness breaks him with one small look.

Doyoung’s voice trembles through. “The first time I told Taeyong that I loved him was just like this. We lied in bed and he had his eyes closed. I just– I whispered it and—” a sob wracks through his chest as he sinks back and his hand covers the tears spilling over, “I knew he wasn’t asleep. He heard me.  _ He knows.  _ Taeyong knows and he just... said nothing. I thought we would be okay too.”

Jaehyun’s hands fists the sheets, white-knuckled. But with gentle movements, he lifts Doyoung’s hand off his face, pressing the digits to his lips. 

“I love you,” he says fervently for every finger he places a kiss on, “I love you. I love you and I’m sure. I love you here and I’ll love you back home. We’ll be okay. We will.” 

No, it just feels like a bad omen. Love is a jinx that will stick onto Doyoung wherever he goes.

“No.” Doyoung pulls his hand away to press onto Jaehyun’s chest. He sinks further into the mattress, not looking at Jaehyun at all. “You’ll never be sure, Jaehyun,” he exhales.

He already knows the ending to those three words and he wishes they never came here at all. This was the wrong decision.

Doyoung rolls over, content to let his tears fall without someone seeing. He hears Jaehyun settle back into the sheets and silence from the other side.

Doyoung falls asleep with Jaehyun’s heat radiating onto his back. Warmth is everything he’s loved associating with Jaehyun. Now, it feels like anything but that.

It feels like an impending heartbreak. 

Doyoung wakes to Jaehyun shaking him.

“Hm? What is it?” he slurs as he rises from the bed.

Jaehyun is already dressed in his day clothes, frowning at him from the corner of the bed. “Taeyong is here,” he says.

Doyoung blinks the sleep out of his eyes. “Taeyong is what?” 

Maybe he is just hearing wrong.

But Jaehyun moves to the doorway of his bedroom. “Taeyong is here. Outside. In the hallway.”

Doyoung moves with a slow disbelief. He follows Jaehyun to the entryway and low and behold, there is Taeyong. He stands in his heavy winter coat and a suitcase by his side.

“Taeyong, what are you doing here?”

Taeyong beams up at him, securing his hand over the handle of his suitcase. “The holiday is ending so I decided to come back. I had to see you and my parents at least. We can visit my parents if you haven’t yet and have a sleepover too.” His eyes flit to Jaehyun for a second. “Jaehyun can come too, if he wants.”

Doyoung turns frigid at the word  _ sleepover. _ The recollection of yesterday’s events pours over him. His hand slips from the door handle. “Right..” he murmurs in thought.

“You came back so easily,” Jaehyun says casually from the side. He fixes on Taeyong with a sharp look.

“I wanted to make it up to Doyoung,” Taeyong says with his brows downturned in worry. “I couldn't leave you like that.” His eyes plead at Doyoung. There’s a glimmer of hope in those round and vulnerable eyes. The ones Doyoung grew to love when times were most rough.

Doyoung looks to Jaehyun. He has never seen Jaehyun’s face so bitter before. It’s not a face of outright hate, but thinly veiled disgust, bunching Jaehyun’s handsome features together by increments.

Doyoung’s skin prickles with an ugly feeling.

In this small area, the three of them stand with feet shuffled together, arms to themselves, clinging to the closest wall. The space between them seems too much yet not enough at the same time. Something is brewing. Tension pulls the three of them together and pushes them apart at the same time.

It feels like the accumulation of everything building up.

“Doyoung?” Taeyong's ask for forgiveness goes on.

If he needed to get onto his knees, for Doyoung, he would. Taeyong who has always been by his side.

Doyoung sees the bags under Taeyong’s eyes. The messy blown-out hair. There’s drops of snow that has barely melted off his shoulders. It looks like Taeyong rushed here. 

Doyoung doesn't have strong defenses when it comes to Taeyong. His heart isn't that strong.

“Oh, Taeyong..” he sighs, “I’m not mad at you.” 

How could he ever stay mad at him? This far along, Doyoung should’ve known such a thing is impossible, especially after not seeing his face for so long.

He can see how Taeyong’s face gains color again just from his words. His heart trembles at this power.

From his right, Jaehyun asks, “Did you leave Johnny to come here?”

Suddenly, Taeyong is alert.

Jaehyun has never used that tone towards Taeyong before. Harsh. Straightforward. It’s the tone Jaehyun had at the very beginning, when Doyoung was still knee deep in his denial that Taeyong would love him back.

“Johnny knows,” Taeyong says, still pale. “He was the one who drove me to the train station.”

Jaehyun takes one step towards him. It looks like a warning with the way he walks up to Taeyong and stands with his shoulders squared. His voice is so cold, Doyoung feels like he’s soaked to the bone in ice water when Jaehyun says, “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

They're on the edge of a cliff, just inches before a crippling fall. He waits for an argument, a fight, a collapse.

But that doesn’t happen.

Before any of them can react, Jaehyun is swiveling back inside, brushing by Doyoung and letting the door slam into the wall.

Doyoung watches him disappear from the entrance way, his footsteps echoing in the quiet apartment.

“Uhm,” Taeyong chirps, still outside.

“Uh,” Doyoung reels. The world seems to have flipped upon itself. He reaches out to Taeyong and smooths out the dampness from his shoulder. “Go back home for now. I’ll meet you there, okay? Take a warm bath or else you’ll catch a cold.”

Taeyong seems a bit bewildered but nods anyway. “Come soon,” he says.

Doyoung watches him walk down the hallway with his suitcase rolling with him. He closes the front door and takes a deep breath.

When he goes back into the house, he notices his bedroom door at the end of the hallway is wide open. With each step he takes down the hallway, the knot in his lungs unravel until all of his breath is taken from him. 

“Jaehyun?”

Jaehyun is throwing miscellaneous things into his suitcase. The clothes from yesterday that were strewn across his bed are all gone. 

“You’re leaving.” Doyoung can feel his heart thumping in his throat.

He keeps his eyes on the suitcase that Jaehyun rolls to the doorway. There was not much needed to pack that fit into such a small thing. It would’ve been so quick. Jaehyun was already dressed when he woke up.

“Hyung—”

First comes anger. It comes blinding, rushing up his face. Then, in a flash, comes bitter acceptance.

“Fine,” Doyoung spits as he presses himself against the doorframe. “Go.”

This is a scene he’s well acquainted with. He just never knew that he’d be standing here one day too.

He hears Jaehyun sigh. A warm hand comes up to cup Doyoung’s face and it smells fresh mint toothpaste as Jaehyun kisses Doyoung on the cheek.

“Text me when you get back,” Jaehyun says, breaking them both with his gentle tone.

Doyoung’s heart thumps hard against his neck as he watches Jaehyun’s baby blue suitcase disappear around the corner. The bumps from the entryway stair reach his ears and the door closing with a beep is the nail tacking Doyoung’s heart shut. 

_ He’s gone. _

With stiff limbs, he feels himself balling up on the floor, arms wrapped around himself. The sound of a suitcase rolling against the floor repeats in his head. It’s so familiar.

He doesn't know if it's mere seconds or minutes that he stays there on the floor.

“Hyung.”

Doyoung looks up. 

Jeno’s standing outside his room, with the door swung ajar, still in his pajamas and a face full of sleep. 

“Jeno!” Doyoung springs up. “Oh, that’s right, you have school!”

But Jeno doesn't look at him, still staring off down the hallway. “When dad left, mom yelled at us to let him leave. You couldn’t do anything but cry and watch him go. But you're grown up now. No one can stop you,” his eyes are bright when he looks to Doyoung, “right?”

Doyoung’s heart drops to his stomach. 

Jeno is right.

He ruffles Jeno’s hair before he rushes to get ready.

“No need to rush,” Jeno echos out from outside the bathroom. “The train schedules here are so slow.”

“You’re really going to leave like this, Jung Jaehyun?”

When Doyoung catches up to him, Jaehyun is sitting patiently at the train station. He looks perturbed that Doyoung chased him down, uncomfortably quiet as Doyoung takes a seat next to him.

Jaehyun rubs his palms onto his jeans slowly. “I just need space, hyung. I need time to think.”

Space. That’s not a good word when it comes to couples.

Doyoung’s hands roll into fists on the armchair. “What are you trying to say?”

Jaehyun leans back and takes a deep breath. “You were right. I can see that it’s hard for you. After all, how can you leave everything behind when you brought Taeyong with you?”

Jaehyun has his eyes forward. Doyoung can’t tell what he’s thinking at all. Jaehyun can read him from a mile away, but if Doyoung isn’t facing him, if he isn’t looking into his eyes and hearing the color in his voice, Doyoung can’t understand him at all.

“Jaehyun.” Doyoung reaches forward to grasp onto his sleeve.

Jaehyun turns his way. His eyes are deep. The crease between his brows says he’s angry, but the gentleness of his gaze tells Doyoung he’s not angry at him. 

“You promised,” Doyoung says. “I told you from the very beginning that I can’t separate from him.”

“That’s not what I mean, hyung. I meant my promise. I know my place. But does he? Does Taeyong?” Jaehyun leans forward, cupping the back of Doyoung’s hand on his sleeve. “If he knows, Doyoung, if he knows, then why is it that every time you pull back, Taeyong comes running to pull you in again?” 

The inside of his mouth is dry. “He’s just being my best friend. His place.. his place...”

“...is by Johnny,” Jaehyun finishes for him. “He shouldn’t give you hope, Doyoung.”

Doyoung feels looked through, like Jaehyun reached at something inside him and shook him to his core.

“It’s not hope.” Doyoung would much rather Jaehyun ask him for something else. ”We’re different. You know that. I can’t ask him to choose.” 

Taeyong and Doyoung. Two sides of the same coin.

Jaehyun’s thumb brushes on his knuckles as he stares intently. After a beat, he asks quietly, “After all this time, you still like him?”

Doyoung snaps to attention. “No,” he denies, “that’s not why... I just..” he looks down defeatedly, “it has always been just us.”

There aren’t words to describe it. This strange, complex feeling of needing to be together. Taeyong belongs by his side and Doyoung belongs by Taeyong’s.

Their relationship will always be like a ball of yarn all tangled up. You can try to untangle it, but in the end, sometimes you come out with a few knots still stuck. That's how it is. Doyoung and Taeyong. There will always be history.

“I understand,” Jaehyun says.

He gets up from his spot, but Doyoung grabs his hand, fear taking a hold of his heart. Understand what? Doyoung hasn’t even been able to gather the words to explain anything.

“I still want you,” he blurts out. 

It is the only thing his mind recognizes. Not a need, but a desire to have Jaehyun near. It feels so obnoxious and unrefined. He doesn’t want Jaehyun to go. 

But Jaehyun just kneels onto the ground and wraps Doyoung in a hug. The past cigarette smell that had been there was no longer stuck on his clothes. Jaehyun smells like expensive cologne nowadays.

With a light touch, Jaehyun combs the back of his hair in strokes. “I know, Doyoung. It’s okay.” 

But does he? Is it alright? 

When the train calls for departure, Jaehyun slips away. “I'll see you at school,” he says. 

Why does it feel like we are coming to an end?

Doyoung sends Jaehyun off with a heavy heart. 

This place Doyoung said he would leave behind, this place where he fell in love with Taeyong, it has finally caught up with him and split him from Jaehyun.

The train speeds away and he is left standing at the train station alone, feeling the cold morning breeze slap him in the face.

What Doyoung still hadn’t grasped though, was that once Jaehyun decided to do something, he was going to pursue it until the very end.

As Doyoung unpacks some stuff from his bag at Taeyong’s place, he thinks that this is slightly unfair.

“Why did you come, Taeyong?”

Taeyong’s eyes snap up, shocked. Doyoung admits he sounds a bit hostile.

“What do you mean?” Taeyong asks with an uneasy smile. “I wanted to make it up to you. I’m here now. We always go home together. There’s no reason that should change.”

In a way, Taeyong is right. Taeyong was just being a good friend, the friend Taeyong always has been to Doyoung and being by his side. There’s no reason Doyoung should be mad at that. He should be overjoyed.

But Jaehyun’s words still ring in his mind.

_ Taeyong’s place is by Johnny. _

Taeyong is the one who chose Johnny first. So if he’s by his side, he should stay there... right? If Taeyong knows, if he  _ knows,  _ then why did he still come back? 

Even though Taeyong being here, knowing he ran back to their hometown for one last day, brings comfort to him, there’s a part of Doyoung that’s bitter about it.

“Should I not have come?” Taeyong stands in place, asking delicately.

He blinks so innocently with eyes that are always so clear. Taeyong has always treated Doyoung like one of his plants. Nurturing it, doting on it. Sometimes, he doesn’t get it right. But he’s always delicate, always careful. How could Doyoung ever fault him?

“No, it’s fine,” Doyoung says and sighs. He continues unpacking.

But that’s not true. A thorn in his heart wishes Taeyong never came at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well,,,,, i'll leave you guys to decipher all of that then hehhee don't curse me out
> 
> next chapter, you'll see more of jaehyun's pov than ever before <3
> 
> don't forget the **comments** / **kudos** and maybe even subscribe & bookmark! all love for you guys!!!!  
> [the playlist !!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4M6s2YryEbMxxtBcvsZeLN?si=sG2KgeViS8qgE5LwvltBNA)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/iridesense) / [twt](https://twitter.com/iridesense_) / [tumblr](https://luvescene.tumblr.com/)


	5. i loved you, i did, and now...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lmao @ yall gutting taeyong in the comments last chapter, so i have to restore his honor in this chapter  
> [the playlist !!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4M6s2YryEbMxxtBcvsZeLN?si=sG2KgeViS8qgE5LwvltBNA)

Doyoung had greeted Taeyong’s parents before they left for work. Taeyong’s mom was enthusiastic as ever, making sure Doyoung was fed and basically pressured him into having two bowls of stew. He wasn’t even sure he could keep it down after that morning’s argument left his stomach stirring intensely like a laundry cycle.

Taeyong’s mom even mentioned Jaehyun. “Why isn’t a handsome man following you? The ladies at the market were just raving about how good looking he was.”

“Ah,” Doyoung had said and gave Taeyong a hesitant glance, “he had to go back early.”

And that’s when the problem started.

Taeyong had been all smiley throughout breakfast, but Doyoung can tell when Taeyong is putting up a facade. The interrogation starts after Taeyong’s parents close the door.

“Are you not gonna tell me why Jaehyun left?” Taeyong follows him as he walks up the steps, but there’s clearly nowhere to go. Taeyong stops him with a hand to his wrist. “You’re doing it again. That blank look you have on your face, staring off just like when Jinyoung dumped you.”

“That was different,” Doyoung bites out. How could an argument with Jaehyun even compare to what happened back then?

“I wouldn’t know, you never told me anything,” Taeyong says back just as bitterly. “You said the breakup was amicable and then rumors about you cheating popped up. I don’t even know what to think. You said you were okay, but I can see through you, Doyoung—I’m the person who knows you best, and you weren’t okay. You didn’t even _try_ to date for three years.”

 _That's ridiculous_. Sure, Jinyoung hurt him, but who was he waiting for during all those years?

“We argued because of _you,”_ Doyoung startles himself. He watches Taeyong’s expression fall. “That’s not—”

“You broke up over me?” Taeyong asks incredulously.

In that moment, he wanted to hit himself. He had held the truth back for so long.

“No,” Doyoung tries to backpedal. “It was true we broke up over going to different universities. Jinyoung saw my career counseling paper. All my choices were the same as yours. He.. didn’t like that.”

“You should’ve told me,” Taeyong says. He leans back against the wall and takes a deep breath, trying to arrange his expression into something less destructed. “All this time, I was wondering just how much Jinyoung scarred you to leave you so broken over him. Why lie?”

“Because I know you,” Doyoung says quietly and he watches Taeyong swallow at the truth. “Your heart is bigger than you can carry. What would you have done? Distance yourself? Or maybe try to convince Jinyoung that we aren’t like that?” he laughs sourly, “But we are. We come as a pair.”

“But you liked him,” Taeyong says, his soft voice permeating the small stairway. “Back then, you really liked him...”

“I like you more,” Doyoung says back.

Taeyong’s smile is so fond and so sad. “Tell me honestly, why did Jaehyun leave? Was it because of me?”

Dread sinks Doyoung down. Then anger, not at Taeyong, but himself. After all, who really is to blame? Even if Taeyong knows, does that change anything about Doyoung’s feelings?

The wedge between a couple isn’t the third person, it’s the foundation. All things that were meant to fall, would eventually fall.

“No,” Doyoung says and feels his chest cave, “it’s just me. There are some things I’m not ready to let go of. Jaehyun said he would wait, but that was a long time ago, and now, time has run out. Jaehyun says he needs space,” his head dips with the admission, “so I told him to go.”

He hears Taeyong mumble, “I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I thought since he came, you started accepting Johnny, his friends...”

_His world is so big. But my view is too small._

Doyoung picks at a loose thread on his sweater and chuckles feebly, “Not all of us get a Johnny. Jaehyun’s just...”

He’s Jung Jaehyun, the campus crush, every person’s first love. He’s got better choices than Doyoung.

“You like him a lot, huh?”

Doyoung lifts his gaze. Taeyong stares at him tenderly. His heart soars and sinks at the same time.

“Yeah,” Doyoung says hoarsely.

They both go quiet over Doyoung’s admission.

“Well, what’s done is done. You should go back and talk about it with him, but while we’re here no sulking, no boyfriend talk, just us,” says Taeyong, beaming at him. “We’ll have fun today. Take your mind off things.” Just as he says this, his mouth opens into a yawn. “What should we do first?”

“How about a nap first?” Doyoung watches him, amused as Taeyong’s mouth drops even wider. “It’s still early and you’re about to fall asleep right here.”

Taeyong lets out a sluggish noise and nods.

“Let’s take a nap.”

They set out a bit before noon. They take out their bikes, dust them off, and go riding along town.

They pass the park and wave to the preschool kids having playtime outside. Taeyong is especially enthusiastic to wave at them with flailing arms, he almost crashes his bike into another walking pedestrian.

When they ride past the market, the market ahjummas call out and try to stop them for a taste, some even tell them to bring back some fruits for their mothers. The two insist on refusing and pedal without slowing. The working fishermen selling seafood to passing townspeople squint at the rush of wind passing them, laughter left in the wind, and yell out to them.

_Kim Doyoung! Lee Taeyong! Is that you? You’ll slip on the water and hurt yourself! How many times do we have to say it?!_

It feels good. It’s like no time has passed at all.

Winter in the north is dreadfully cold. The air cuts into their faces as the two race, pedaling insanely from one dock to the other end with grins stretching across both their faces. The season’s first snow always reaches the north early. It’s not enough to pile up on the ground, but it is still a spectacular sight that makes Doyong tilt his head to the sky so he can feel the cold bite into his skin.

Taeyong cruises next to him. “Is the skating rink open?” he asks, lightly panting.

“What month do you think it is?” Doyoung laughs. “The lake hasn’t even completely frozen over yet. The ice is still thin.”

“Then let’s go see it.”

Taeyong blasts past him, down towards the beaten path. Doyoung yelps and pushes on his pedals to follow him. The snow and the dirt sticks onto their tires. The grinding sound is loud with no one else on the road. _It’s close,_ Doyoung thinks. His feet slow on the pedals and he lets physics do all the work.

The sight remains unchanged just like yesterday, just like three years ago.

Today, the green woods and hills look a little less menacing in the bright afternoon. As he peers over where the road slopes down into the lake, water remains frosted over.

Doyoung hears the crunch of the dirt and the squeak of tires coming abruptly to a halt. He turns his head back and sees Taeyong still perched on his bike, fumbling with something in his hands. Doyoung holds down his brakes. Taeyong’s breath comes out in warm puffs as he holds completely still and brings a compact camera up. Several shutters ring out.

When Taeyong puts down his camera and he meets eyes with Doyoung, a sheepish expression takes over his face. “Johnny taught me,” he says, ducking his head. “I've been practicing and I wanted him to see it. Sorry, I know I said that today is only about us.”

“I understand,” Doyoung says as he sits back onto the saddle. “You want to share everything with him. When you’re happy, you want to share it with him. When you’re sad, you want to share that with him too. He’s the first on your mind.”

A bird calls far away, its chirp resounding between them.

In the blink of an eye, Taeyong pushes off his bike, leaving it clattering behind him, and aims for the lake, half-stumbling, half-sliding down the slope.

Doyoung fumbles, screaming after him, “What are you doing? Come back!”

Taeyong, with his flat-footed sneakers, glides onto the uncertain ice, both hands flailing, yet feet ever certain. “Come down!” he calls.

Doyoung frantically tries not to tumble down the small hill, scurrying past frosted grass mixed with uneven dirt and rocks. The cold air bites away at his cheeks as he reaches the bank of the lake. His breath comes out trembling as he steps onto the frozen water below him.

“Lee Taeyong..” the name rumbles in his throat.

His heart is in his throat, legs buckling up at the wrong moment. Doyoung yelps when the ice sends him careening five feet away from the safe ground. He steadies himself by crouching, taking paced breaths. He counts all the different ways this could go wrong and they could both end up in a precarious situation. Very carefully, he continues, taking slow steps towards Taeyong.

“You’re close, Doie!” Taeyong ushers, waving him over.

Doyoung clenches his jaw as he makes his way over. “Stop playing around!” he hisses and stretches out his arms to reach Taeyong.

Taeyong stands peacefully, warm puffs of air escaping his mouth.

Doyoung grabs onto his coat sleeves, the material crinkling under his white-knuckled grip. “Are you an idiot?” he yells. “You could fall through and drown! Do you know how many people die of pneumonia each year? I won’t be able to save you then!”

Taeyong huffs with great big breaths. Then, his lips spread into a silly smile.

He still has the audacity to smile!

“Calm down, Doyoung,” he says, “We’re here. It’s safe. See?”

Taeyong looks down to their feet and Doyoung follows. They still stand, perfectly fine, a flat plane of ice underneath their soles.

Doyoung is practically in hysterics. “Yeah, of course we’re here! You slid all the way here! Who knows how thin the ice is? Quickly, let’s go back up, _please_.”

“Wait, Doie,” Taeyong stops him. “This is where we made our promise.”

“Who cares about that now?” Doyoung asks, slightly petrified. He keeps his iron-clad hold onto Taeyong and yanks on him. “This is not worth risking our lives. Let’s go back,” he urges and pushes off the ice, but he gets stopped by cold fingers wrapped around his.

“Doyoung, I’m scared!”

When he whirls back, he sees Taeyong with his head cast down. “It’s okay, we’ll just carefully—”

“No, I mean, I’m scared for us,” Taeyong reiterates and rises with fearful, round eyes. “I’m the person who knows you best. Do you think I don’t know what kind of face you make when you hate someone? It’s how you looked when I told you I wasn’t coming. That’s how you looked at Johnny when we first started dating. You’ve hated all my boyfriends, I know.”

“I didn’t _hate_ them,” he protests lightly.

Taeyong’s three boyfriends and countless dates, Doyoung never once cared.

Taeyong lets out an airy laugh. “If it’s not hate, it’s the face you give everyone else, the face you make when people talk about family. Like you’d rather be anywhere else. I know I’ve been selfish this year, it wasn’t easy for you to accept Johnny, but I meant my promise. We’ll grow old together, right?” Taeyong asks, eyes deep and round as they peer into his, _Doyoung’s favorite,_ like his childhood teddy bear’s eyes. “Let me stay beside you, Doyoung.”

Doyoung’s chest tightens with Taeyong’s plea. He hasn’t heard Taeyong like this since.. since he wanted Doyoung to be friends with Johnny. Like he knew by accepting one, he had to give up one.

“Taeyong,” the tension in his shoulders slacken, “I said I forgive you. You don’t have to do this. Do you think I like this place just because it’s pretty? I made a promise here too. There’s nothing that can tear me away from you. I haven’t forgotten anything.”

Taeyong presses the back of Doyoung’s hand to his lips. The warmth is so welcoming, like the coming of spring after a long season of winter. “I wanted to remind you,” he murmurs.

“I remember,” Doyoung replies softly. “Now, can we _please_ go back onto steady, dry land? Your mom will kill me if I let you die here.”

Taeyong laughs, the sound echoing high into the trees, and they cautiously and slowly make their way off the ice.

They get back to Taeyong’s house to have an early dinner. The dishes are exactly as Doyoung remembers. _This_ is the taste of his youth. When Doyoung was hungry, and hungry for more than just food, Taeyong’s parents would always feed him.

“Our Doyoungie, here, have some more _ssam,_ ” Taeyong’s mom gives him a big piece of beef in lettuce.

Doyoung opens his mouth wide to take it enthusiastically.

 _“Mom,”_ Taeyong starts whining again.

A child will never stop craving affection from his parents, even when he knows he’s plenty loved. And Taeyong is plenty loved. But Taeyong’s big heart is something he inherited, so there has always been more room for Doyoung.

Taeyong’s dad clicks his tongue at Taeyong and turns to chuckle at Doyoung. “Since Taeyong refuses to come home during the break, we can only ask you to look after him. You and that tall tree boyfriend of his—Johnny. He seems harmless, but we can only count on you to take care of this,” he gives Taeyong a big slap on the thigh, “punk over here. We know you treat him the best. You can take care of him better than us sometimes!”

Both parents bear wide smiles, beaming at him.

Doyoung bows his head, returning the gratitude. “Of course, eomonim, abeonim.”

The early dinner is a real deviation from Doyoung’s college student diet of usual late night dinner, not eating at all, or eating too many snacks. And as a result, he and Taeyong go on a stroll later that night that ends up at a restaurant after smelling barbeque wafting in the air. They were weak, very weak to the idea of discounted meat.

The only thing they didn’t count on is the group that comes in later.

Seated right next to them are Jinyoung and Jinyoung’s buddies from high school. It’s not exactly a friendly atmosphere hovering over them as the group starts to take notice.

_“Isn’t that your ex, Jinyoungie?”_

_“I saw him yesterday with another guy! You know everyone was talking about how handsome that guy was.”_

_“I bet that was his rebound since Taeyong has a boyfriend apparently.”_

Doyoung clenches his fingers around the shot glass. Deep breaths, in and out, in and out.

One half-heartedly tries to whisper, _“I thought people said Taeyong didn’t come with him.”_

_“Well, he’s here right now, isn’t he, dumbass?”_

_“Maybe he’s two-timing again, Jinyoung.”_

He takes another swallow of his dry throat. Taeyong has his head dipped down, expression concealed.

Another snickers, _“Everyone knows Kim Doyoung likes to be filled.”_

The sound of glass smacking onto the table startles Doyoung.

“Taeyong?”

He watches as Taeyong rises with a fury.

Taeyong’s chair almost topples back in his sudden movement. The laughter quiets when Taeyong grabs an opened soju bottle by the neck, approaching the other table. With a steady hand, Taeyong turns the bottle upside down and empties the contents onto Jinyoung’s head, soaking him in alcohol.

Jinyoung gasps under the sheer shock. His hair is drenched and his clothes are ruined.

“This is for breaking my best friend’s heart, asshole,” Taeyong slams the bottle onto the table upright, making the whole table jump, “and for spreading lies about him just because you were insecure about your two-inch dick.”

The whole table gapes with bug eyes, but when Taeyong glares at them, their heads swing comically back to look at each other with their open mouths.

Just when Taeyong looks like he’s done, he swivels back, words spilling out, “Also, Doyoung is having so much great sex with his boyfriend right now to compensate from all the horrible times he had with _you,_ ” he points a finger out, “Jinyoung Jack- _ra-bbit_.”

Taeyong promptly walks back and sits down obediently, then pops the top off another bottle of soju.

“Taeyong...” Doyoung gapes.

“Shut up,” Taeyong mumbles.

As if there was a whole minute delay, Taeyong’s chest flushes red until it reaches the top of his head. Embarrassment floods him as Taeyong with his eyes glue onto the table, drinking quietly and picking at their grilled meat.

The hooligans from the other table all glance at them, pushing at each other and whispering.

_“What is he talking about?”_

_“Jinyoung, man, what is he saying we lied?”_

_“Hey, you’re not gonna let shoujo boy just do you like that right?”_

Jinyoung wipes down furiously with a napkin. It has already ripped into parts from Jinyoung’s rough treatment on his clothes. He keeps his eyes firmly on cleaning and refuses to look at Doyoung.

“Just leave it alone, you guys,” Jinyoung mutters.

The guys look back towards their table—to which Doyoung arches a brow at them and picks up a soju bottle again. They all gulp and focus back to the grill.

“Let’s eat guys, let’s just eat.”

Doyoung snorts and lets the alcohol pour into the shot glass. “That was very unlike you, Tyongie.”

Taeyong stuffs his mouth full of meat, cheeks full like a chipmunk. He mumbles around the food, “Johnny said that I don’t know the kind of power I have,” his eyes dart up, cheeks reddening in the way they do when someone compliments his art, “that I’m stronger than I look.”

“Johnny,” Doyoung nods, “sounds reasonable.”

He isn’t even surprised at this point.

Taeyong looks different now, he realizes. There’s a glow to him. Something much more than just the happiness that comes with a buzzed Taeyong, but he looks like he’s radiating happiness from the inside. He’s so comfortable. In their hometown, in this small shop surrounded by people they hated and hated them back, Taeyong doesn’t have one drop of torment in him.

When Doyoung’s stomach stirs, it’s not the meat mixing with the burn of alcohol that’s bothering him.

That night, Doyoung stays up, curled up next to Taeyong’s lithe body. He and Taeyong haven’t slept in one room in a long time. Taeyong was with Johnny and they were past the age where they both seeked comfort in falling asleep together. Doyoung has spent so much time staying at Jaehyun’s, he almost forgot the sight of this.

The sight of the moonlight pouring over Taeyong’s face like a mirror in water. In the day, Taeyong’s face, sharp nose, big eyelids and ivory skin made him seem like an angel mistakenly was born on earth. He has always seemed a bit otherworldly sometimes, but now, as he’s sleeping, Taeyong seems more attainable. His fine lines and small scars are all bared into the open.

_He’s different now._

Doyoung feels the thought sink in with ease. When did he start accepting this so calmly? When did the way he looked at Taeyong change, he wonders?

Doyoung stretches his arm out to Taeyong’s head and runs his fingertips through his curled baby hairs. 

They were just like this when he said those three words.

 _The world moves on, but you and I don’t._ That’s what he thought before today. But it seems, Taeyong is already on the train, departing from their journey, while Doyoung is still at the station, one foot on the train and looking back, not yet decided.

_“How can you leave everything behind when you brought Taeyong with you?”_

Jaehyun was right.

It’s no use ruminating on what might have been, to linger on the small details of his memories and keep wondering if nothing forms in actuality. Doyoung is better living in the real world where the person he likes, likes him back.

How easy and nice would that be?

  


jeno bubu

hyung

even if things didn’t go well, come  
and say goodbye before you leave  
at least

Before the sun has risen, Doyoung lets himself inside his mother’s house. He sees both his mother’s and Jeno’s shoes lined neatly at the entrance, indicating they were both still at home. It’s quiet when the door shuts. His footsteps are cautious, almost as if unsure if he’s allowed back inside.

As he walks past the living room, his mother spots him—or rather, he spots his mother, in the kitchen, glancing up at him as she’s leaning over a pot. He thinks with bitter acceptance that she really is taking up the job of being a mother seriously these days.

“I’m just here to say goodbye to Jeno.”

When her eyes are wide with surprise, they’re like his, he notes. Doyoung has always resembled his mother more than his father.

“He’s still sleeping,” she gestures to his room.

“I’ll be just a minute,” he says and awkwardly shuffles past her and into Jeno’s room.

The boy is snoozing deeply, dead to the world. And yet, he was so awake to send him a text at 2AM on a school night.

“Jeno-yah.” Doyoung rakes his fingers through his little brother’s hair, speaking softly. “Jeno, I’m leaving now.”

Jeno rouses with a slurred groan. “You’re leaving?” he asks with half-opened eyes.

“Mm.”

“So quick,” his sleep-ladened voice says. “I’ll miss your cooking. Make sure to come back next winter.” And then he flops back with his eyes shut.

Doyoung chuckles, leaning over to press a kiss into his hair.

Being light about his movements, he gets up and makes sure to use the gentlest touch to shut the bedroom door behind him. He almost gets a heart attack when he turns around and sees his mother standing in the hallway with a cup of glass in her hand.

“Have some breakfast before you go. I brought you some yuja tea too. I’ve been making it for Jeno since the weather is so cold.” She offers the glass to him, raising it just an inch.

Doyoung presses his arms to his sides. “I have to catch the morning train,” he says, finding it hard to even speak.

His mother smiles forlornly, tucking the glass back into her chest.

The silence engulfs them.

Is she scared of him or is he scared of her?

“I saw Jeno using the electronic shaver you bought him yesterday,” his mother says with her hands folded over the cup, wringing them in front of him. “I should have known to buy him that, but I was really too absent-minded. It’s good that you thought of it.” She smiles wearily at him, wrinkles deepening with her words, “You’ve grown up,” voice soft yet firm.

Is that supposed to be a parent’s pride?

Doyoung supposes it is. He doesn’t know what it feels like anymore. It’s his mom speaking, but every word feels like they’re from a stranger’s mouth.

“I’ve been grown up for a long time,” he says, voice ringing with every ounce of brutal honesty he has.

Doyoung can see something in her awaken as her eyes clear up and she finally looks him in the eyes. The years start packing up and he can feel it shake something inside him.

“Mom,” he starts, feeling himself quiver, “why now? Making Jeno dinner, checking in on him, _picking him up from hagwon,”_ he lets out a jeering laugh, “and just when he’s going to leave for college, you decide _now_ to start being a parent?” Doyoung’s back hits the wall as he looks at her with clenched fists. “It’s just not fair.”

His mother’s expression is pained as she looks back at him. _What gives her the right?_ he thinks with a tightening chest.

“You were always precocious, even before the divorce. When your dad left, you listened to me, you didn’t chase after him, you never made any trouble. You always took care of yourself and Jeno,” she sighed forlornly, “like you didn’t need me.”

“What kind of child doesn’t need their mom?” he rasps out, swallowing at the words of his own admission. He was mature, he cleaned after himself because he knew why his mom came home looking so haunted. But still—“You made me feel leftover. Dad left and you were just _gone._ You didn’t want me,” he says. Just because he understood his mother’s pain, doesn’t mean it hurts any less.

A small cry escapes her lips as she shakes her head. “That’s not true,” she denies with her small frame trembling. “Mom loves you, Doyoung. I was wrong. I’m sorry.”

 _Those words._ Doyoung feels his shoulders untense as the rage in him fades. Yes, that’s what he wanted. Hearing it now, nothing substantial came to him except, “Okay.”

The narrow hallway they stand in grows a little less colder.

Doyoung clears his throat. “I should go.”

His mom takes a second to understand him before she shuffles stiffly to the side to make way. “Take care of yourself.”

“Mm.”

Before he takes more than one step, she asks, “Will you come back for winter break?”

He freezes. “I have work. I’m applying to a new research lab.”

“I see,” she says but it’s clear that she’s saddened by his decision.

“Instead, come to Seoul when Jeno has vacation. There are a lot of restaurants you would like. I’ll treat.”

His mom nods furiously, clutching onto the cup tighter.

Doyoung takes a step forward, stepping to pass her in the narrow hallway. He hesitates. Without forming a full thought, Doyoung turns and takes the glass from his mother’s hands to have a sip.

The cup is still hot in his hands, but warm in his mouth. A heavy amount of honey floods his taste buds and overpowers the citrus in the tea. It’s thick on his tongue and sour in his stomach, heating him up immediately. Really not his preference. But he drinks anyway.

Doyoung politely puts the glass back into her unmoved hands. He chances a glance at his mother’s widened eyes and clears his throat again.

“Well then. I’ll be going now. Take care of your health.”

Taeyong falls asleep on his shoulder just as the sun is rising from the window of the train. Doyoung is once again leaving this town, leaving his problems behind. This time though, it feels more definite.

He watches the sun flood their compartment with early morning rays and thinks of Jaehyun, wind-swept hair and rosy cheeks, and how much he longs to see him now.

Will it be too late?

School starts again, too quickly for the whole student body who felt like nothing had been achieved, but for Doyoung, he was glad to be done with the holiday. It’s the administration’s fault for scheduling a non-instruction day on the edge of hell week and now professors are throwing them right back into prepping for their final exams.

Even Doyoung is at the mercy of professors cramming chapters and piling up assignments for them. The first day on campus feels like a truck is speeding towards him at immeasurable speeds. His head swirls and there’s never enough time to breathe and think.

Doyoung keeps watch over his phone with heightened rigor. Nothing ever comes in.

The thing he wants most is to see Jaehyun, but he doesn’t have the luxury of slacking off. His last class is in the evening, and never has he prayed for a day to pass so desperately.

Morning comes.

No messages just like yesterday.

Doyoung slides his phone back into his pocket and takes his notebook out, turning to the lecture instead. He can’t help the sinking feeling of despair that grows deeper and deeper inside him for each hour that passes.

 _Space._ That was what Jaehyun asked for. It means to take time off.

But that was different from what Doyoung felt at the train station. He had watched Jaehyun grow smaller in the train’s windows, while their longing grew stronger, yet they still parted ways.

 _Space_ felt like two lovers saying goodbye.

He caves.

jaehyunnie 

do you have some time today? i wanna see you

i’m can’t. i’m sick.

oh

did you take medicine? i can get some for you if you didn’t

no i took it

alright, remember to drink lots of hot water

After a couple of minutes, Jaehyun doesn’t add anything to the text and the sinking in his stomach has dug a pit. He tries not to think too much. It’s winter and it’s perfectly plausible for people to catch the cold during this time.

But Jaehyun has strong immunity. He usually isn’t the type to get sick. So what if it’s just an excuse?

Doyoung lets out a subdued sigh. The professor is talking on and on, but all that registers is murmuring in his ears. Over the next few minutes, he clicks at the button of his phone insistently. _Tap,_ on. _Tap,_ off. The phone’s screen lights up and darkens with his impatience and frustration.

He resolves to send one more message.

jaehyunnie 

should i come over?

it’s fine hyung.

it’s better if you don’t

Doyoung lays his head onto his desk. Papers and worksheets wrinkle underneath him. He can’t even care right now. _It’s better if you don’t._ He closes his eyes and lets the world go dark.

Jaehyun doesn’t want to see him.

It’s over.

Doyoung maintains his regular schedule. He throws himself into studying and into work. Information occupies his mind until he’s too tired to overthink and falls straight asleep once he hits the bed.

The house of cards they built is finally falling apart.

What Doyoung has learned after all these months by Jaehyun's side is that Jaehyun is not as infallible as everyone thinks. But he is, in the end, a human being. And there is only so much a person can take.

Doyoung recognizes this, and he waits for the inevitable.

jaehyunnie 

i’m feeling better now

that’s great

you said you wanted to see me? i’m at school today

i’m at work right now

no worries. i’ll be in the parking lot after you get out

i have something to tell you

okay

Doyoung lets his phone drop from his hands so he can muffle his sniffling in them. His eyes sting.

A gentle voice hovers over. “Uhm, is something wrong, hyung?”

It’s Sicheng.

Doyoung keeps his hands over his face. “I think Jaehyun and I are going to break up soon,” he muffles under his palms.

“What?”

There’s a clatter of glass, what sounds like instruments being put down hastily. Doyoung lifts his hands from his face. Sicheng faces him from the other side of the lab completely stunned.

“Yeah,” Doyoung responds dryly.

“But why? You guys were fine before the break. Did something happen?”

 _Everything happened,_ Doyoung thinks sourly.

“I don’t know,” he sighs heavily. “It’s a long story. But I guess it’s just one after another, things that have piled up, have worn him down.” With a humorless laugh, he scoffs at himself. “Jaehyun told me he loves me and I- I couldn’t...”

Sicheng’s mouth drops open just an inch in surprise. “You don’t love him?”

“No, I do. I’m just...” Doyoung trails off with his forehead knotted. _Why am I hesitating?_ His hands form fists on the table. _Why else?_ “I’m scared.”

Doyoung’s confession fills the room, feeling too sacred to be said in such an open space where secrets travel up to the high ceilings.

Sicheng’s tone comes out genuinely curious as he treads carefully. “Are you sure you want to continue being in a relationship with him?”

“What?” Doyoung reels back, almost defensive.

“Loving someone is always a risk. When you give your heart to someone, not being scared is impossible. I’m not trying to insult you, hyung. I was in your place too before. With Yuta,” Sicheng assures him, leaning in on the table and Doyoung lets his shoulders relax as he listens in again. The desk light illuminates Sicheng’s side profile, making him more pensive than his boyish face usually allowed. “I was scared too. When Yuta asked me out, I hesitated. He can be silly, so it’s hard to know when he’s being serious.”

Doyoung lets out an airy chuckle, having all sorts of experiences with this.

A half-endeared and half-exasperated expression, matching Doyoung’s, spreads across Sicheng’s face. “But I was seriously in love with him, and I was afraid of giving my heart to someone who wouldn’t love me as much as I loved him. What tore me apart was when he asked if I couldn’t give us a chance—if my fear was worth more than loving him.”

Sicheng's love could never be that shallow.

“That’s cheating. How could he say that?” Doyoung asks, with the sentiment weighing on his heart. _What if Jaehyun thinks that too,_ a small voice reminds him.

Sicheng laughs at this, his small face turning even more boyish as he smiles. Then, he softens, tilting his head to the side wistfully and says, “Sometimes, it’s important to try despite knowing that everything could go wrong. That, too, is a testament to how much you love someone.”

The implication hangs in the air as Sicheng lets his head swing to the other side, throwing him the final question.

“So how much do you love Jaehyun, Doyoung hyung?”

When Doyoung clocks out of the lab, he finds Jaehyun parked in the usual spot, just like he said he would be. His limbs grow weaker as he knocks once, opens the car door, and slides in.

There’s nothing but the sound of his weight stretching the leather seats thin after the door shuts. The windows have accumulated a thin layer of frost, but the temperature inside the car is stagnant, neither cold nor warm. _Strange_ because Jaehyun's winter coat hangs on the seat behind him as if it was too stuffy while he sat waiting. He had been waiting for quite a while, Doyoung realizes.

“Are you cold? Do you want me to warm it up?” Jaehyun reaches for the AC controls, but Doyoung stops him.

“No, it’s okay,” he sniffs once, clenching his fingers together, before taking his heavy coat off too.

Who knows how long this conversation might last. It won’t be an easy one, that’s for sure.

Once it’s off and Doyoung sits up straight to get a good look at Jaehyun’s face, there’s no stopping the well of emotions rising in him. Jaehyun’s eyes are on him, wide and alert, nervous. It’s the first time Doyoung has seen him since they parted at the train station.

It is like a dam bursting open.

Doyoung’s vision blurs over and his shoulders drop. He reaches past the small space of the console to slide his shaky hands over Jaehyun’s shoulders, pressing closer until he’s clinging onto Jaehyun with his entire body. It feels like he doesn’t even have a right to do this anymore.

Jaehyun’s hand hovers over his back warily. “Hyung?”

“I’m sorry, Jaehyun-ah. I don’t want to break up with you, so please,” Doyoung gasps into Jaehyun’s shoulder, “don’t leave me. I know it’s selfish, but I promise you I’ll get over Taeyong. I just need some more time, it’s all because of me—”

“Doyoung,” Jaehyun cuts off his rambling, arms coming up to wrap around him, “I’m not breaking with you. What are you saying?”

Spots of dampness appear on the neckline of Jaehyun’s sweater. Doyoung can’t stop the tears from falling down his face even as he pulls back. “You aren’t?” he snivels, swiping across his wet cheek. “But you left. I waited for a call, a message, _something,_ but nothing. You said that you didn’t even want to see me.”

“That wasn’t it, I really _was_ sick. I didn’t want you to catch my cold.” Jaehyun’s eyes drift down, looking guilty. “I think it’s because that night.. I slept shirtless and that was stupid of me because of course, it’s the dead of winter, and when I got back, I developed a fever.”

A fresh round of tears flood to the surface as Doyoung hears Jaehyun’s tender tone. His hand knocks against the back seat as he searches for a stable surface, exhaling harshly from his mouth. “You were mad though. You left so abruptly that morning, all your clothes were packed, and it felt like you had enough of waiting.”

“I told you I would have patience—”

“Jaehyun, you said you wouldn’t wait forever.”

Jaehyun gulps and admits, “That’s true. But I didn’t leave because I was leaving _you._ I was leaving that place. I needed to think about something and...” he lets out a sigh, body sinking back into the seat, “well, it doesn’t matter anymore. It was my fault. I’m sorry, baby.”

Jaehyun’s hand cups at Doyoung’s cheek, thumbing away the stray tears on his eyelashes. He can’t help but nuzzle into the warmth.

“Don’t cry,” Jaehyun says softly and smiles sadly at him, “I acted so childishly, thinking if I could leave my mark there that it would change something. It couldn’t. That was your place with Taeyong. There was no room for me there.”

“There’s room for you,” Doyoung says, tightening his grip onto Jaehyun’s shoulder as he slides his body closer. “I can make room.”

Jaehyun chuckles as if it’s funny.

“I’m being serious,” he says sternly.

Where was his confident Jaehyun? The one who swore like a masochist that he would play the long game and gamble with Doyoung. But even the strongest sword could be worn down after fighting enough battles.

“Jaehyun, I love you.”

That halts all sounds of laughter.

Jaehyun’s brows form two strict, straight lines. “You shouldn’t force yourself, Doie. I said I didn’t need an answer...”

Doyoung has had it and pushes himself up from the passenger seat, over the console, and onto Jaehyun’s lap. His knees push against Jaehyun’s thighs in the small driver’s seat. Jaehyun’s hands automatically come up around his waist to support him.

“I don’t say it out of obligation,” he murmurs out. “I’m still not sure if I’m doing it right—love. I thought I knew what it was. I was patient and waited for love to work out, but it didn’t.” Doyoung combs his hand into Jaehyun’s soft hair, savoring the waft of conditioner coming from him. “I don’t know what love is, but you make me want to try.”

Jaehyun leans his head back into the touch, looking up to gaze at Doyoung in his lap. “I know you love me. You told me with your eyes.” Doyoung’s lids flutter shut as he feels Jaehyun’s palm trailing down his cheek. “So expressive,” he whispers and then gives a pleased sigh, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Doyoung replies very quietly, still shy.

He can see how Jaehyun’s entire ear becomes a flaming red at his admission. The smile Jaehyun has on is blinding. Reassurance oozes out of his body.

Doyoung sniffs the tears away and reaches up to twist a fleshy portion of Jaehyun’s jaw between his fingers. “This is for making me worried sick while I was studying,” he scolds.

“Ow.” Jaehyun feigns pain with a scrunch of his nose.

A chuckle escapes both their lips before Doyoung leans down to give Jaehyun a short peck on the mouth, and then pulls back with his own blissed-out grin.

“Is that all?” Jaehyun teases. “We just had a fight and haven’t seen each other in such a long time, and you’re satisfied with just a kiss?”

The suggestion has Doyoung’s stomach flipping in nerves. It’s just them in the car, chest to chest, in this familiar position, inhaling each other’s scents and sharing warmth. His thighs hug Jaehyun tighter out of instinct.

Doyoung’s knobby fingers wring out the stretchy fabric of Jaehyun’s sweater. He’s lured by the smell of Jaehyun's conditioner, making him smell fresh and touchable. “I think that having sex in the campus parking lot is not great,” he says, resisting even though he’s cognizant of his lower half heating up from being pressed against Jaehyun.

“Not sex, not right now, but at least let me get my fill,” Jaehyun says enticingly. He raises his thighs and shifts Doyoung so that he’s pressed against the driver seat door with Jaehyun’s breaths fanning across his face. He can feel Jaehyun’s voice reverberating down his body as he speaks. “I was sick with a high fever and even at night, you wouldn’t leave me alone while I was dreaming.”

A whimper gets stuck in Doyoung’s throat as he gulps and watches Jaehyun follow the movement. He thinks it’s a good thing it’s so cold outside so that the windows are all fogged up. Jaehyun presses his lips against Doyoung’s throat, tickling him with his breath, nosing against the heartbeat throbbing rapidly there, and darts his tongue out to lick at the skin. _Tease._ It’s absolute torture.

“Remember when you were giving me a blow job in here and we almost got caught?” Jaehyun asks, and yes, Doyoung vividly remembers the humiliation that floods him like it was yesterday. “I think I should repay the favor,” he whispers and pulls Doyoung’s shirt up from its tucked place in his pants.

“You just agreed no sex—”

Doyoung’s hands somehow end up bracing the car ceiling as he’s splayed against the window, pants unbuttoned and boxers pulled down in the front. His thighs bracket around Jaehyun’s waist as Jaehyun’s tongue slides sensually against his, saliva collecting at the corner of their mouths, and one of Jaehyun’s hands strokes Doyoung’s cock in a lax pace.

The cold temperature seeping into the car plus the internal heat radiating from the two of them play with his head, making it hard to think on top of Jaehyun’s slow but insistent touch. Small mewls leave his mouth as Jaehyun bounces between twisting his palm over the head and inching his fist down his length.

Jaehyun pulls away from kissing him for a second, leaving Doyoung gasping in short breaths.

“Do you want my mouth on it, hyung?”

“Jung Jae _hyun,_ ” the name tapers off from a warning into a breathless pant.

“ _Baby,_ ” Jaehyun retaliates an octave lower, sending shivers erupting all over Doyoung’s skin.

Jaehyun’s dirty talk has gotten _worse_ since he realized his raspy voice was Doyoung’s weakness a couple months ago _._ He has raised a complete menace.

Jaehyun maneuvers himself for more space and Doyoung shuts his eyes tight when he sees Jaehyun moving down. He feels _wet_ when Jaehyun’s tongue is on him, _hot and tight_ enveloping him _,_ then Jaehyun’s front teeth grazes down the side of his cock, and Doyoung completely loses all fight in his body from that point on.

Doyoung always ends up losing to Jaehyun whether it’s in sex, arguments, or his heart.

They welcome the new year this time with a party at Johnny’s.

It’s not quite limited to only their friends (by Johnny's insistence), but it definitely is not what a party at, say Taeil’s place, would be. The man is more of a social butterfly than people give him credit for. Perks of being such an easy going guy.

Taeyong swears up and down that he’s sticking to his soda that has just two shots inside it. “I am not drinking this time! Last year was horrible,” he says and shakes his head at the memory. “It was definitely not a good way to bring in the new year. I am definitely going to stay sober for this year’s countdown.”

Doyoung just laughs beside him and sips on his soju bomb. Jaehyun watches him finish one whole cup, but still be able to stand coherently an hour before countdown.

Seeing Taeyong stuck by Doyoung’s side the whole night, the boyfriends leave them be and go join a game of beer pong at the insistent urging of the crowd.

When the time comes, Johnny, as the host, momentarily stops the music, gets up on top of the couch, already taller than most people in there, and yells out that it’s two minutes before countdown. There’s cheering and Johnny brings up a box of props, passing out more new year hats and confetti cannons among the people.

Jaehyun laughs and ducks his head as Sicheng urges him to put on the wretchedly rainbow hat.

The music starts up again, and the crowd becomes more unorganized as people walk amongst each other to find their friends, and welcome the new year with them. Some gather around the television where the timer runs, starting to murmur the seconds ticking down. Others squeal and yell when they reach their friends, pulling up their phones so they can save this moment in time forever.

_10!..._

Jaehyun listens as the crowd counts down, numbers buzzing in his ears.

Time seems to slow down.

 _9!... 8!..._ Johnny smiles at someone behind him, then his eyes notice Jaehyun, grinning down at him from just a table away. As he comes down from the couch, Johnny bumps into someone and he apologizes swiftly. Jaehyun narrowly misses being elbowed by Mark as he rushes up to high-five at Lucas.

 _7!... 6!..._ Doyoung appears next to him, dragged along by Taeyong by the hand, striking him a silly smile. He watches as Taeyong reaches Johnny and they exchange laughter, swept up by the excitement in the air. Doyoung plucks Taeyong’s drink away with his free hand, a new cup of soda with how many shots this time, and sets it down on the table. _5!... 4!..._ Taeyong is untangling himself from Johnny’s embrace.

_3!... 2!..._

_Oh._

As Taeyong turns, he raises the hand he has entwined with Doyoung’s in the air. They cheer, _‘HAPPY NEW YEAR!’_ adding to the already ear-bursting horde of screams around them. They share a hug.

The shrieking grinds at his ears. Jaehyun can only hear static.

Then, finally, within the same second, Taeyong turns to repeat the same phrase to Johnny. _‘Happy New Year, love’_ is what Johnny replies. They share a kiss this time.

Jaehyun finds the words of comfort he said to Doyoung a couple months ago, come back to bite him: _No one else, Doyoung. No one matters to him like you do._

The countdown is long gone when Doyoung shakes Jaehyun by his wrist, bringing his attention back in front of him. Doyoung’s smile is infectious as he leans in close—and Jaehyun is thankful for their equal height—with his lips brushing against Jaehyun’s ear and he says, “Happy New Year’s, Jaehyun-ah.”

Jaehyun pulls back, speaking with the same fond sentiment, eyes crinkling and dimples deep on his cheeks, “Happy New Year’s, Doyoung.” Their exchange tides him over his momentary revelation—for now.

He understands what Jeno meant back then.

“Shall I give you some advice, hyung?”

Jeno leaned onto the table, eyes behind Jaehyun’s shoulder to where Doyoung and Jaemin were ordering.

Jaehyun smiled amicably. Jeno was quick. He was smart, just like Doyoung. “Sure.”

“Taeyong hyung had relationships in this town too, you know? They didn’t last either. Why do you think that is?” For a second, as Jeno stared at him, he was a mirror image of Doyoung. Jaehyun has seen this face a million times before. “What Doyoung would do for Taeyong, Taeyong would also do for Doyoung,” he reveals.

Jaehyun’s eyes hardened, but his demeanor was like smooth ice. His fingers danced along the edge of the table. “I find it strange. I’ve heard this before, but I never understood. Why protect Taeyong?”

Jeno looked at him with teenage self-righteousness. “I’m protecting my hyung. They survived in this town because they had each other. Like Taeyong was Doyoung’s biggest escape, Doyoung was also Taeyong’s light in the dark. So if you want to understand Doyoung completely, you have to understand Taeyong too.”

Jaehyun hummed in consideration.

Jeno’s brows dipped under the vague reaction, fading back into a clueless teenager. “I’m telling you this because he brought you home. He’s already chosen you. As you know, hyung likes to seal the ugly parts of himself into little packages and hide them away from people. He bore his heart to you. So please,” Jeno’s eyes pleaded to him with the sincerity Doyoung taught him, “don’t break it.”

When the party is over, the crowd is gone, and confetti strands and pieces are strewn everywhere, quiet seeps in from every corner and frazzles up Jaehyun’s buzzed mind.

Taeyong picked up more than one soju bottle after the countdown and Doyoung joined him in his journey to get wasted. They giggled their way through the shots, joining Jungwoo in blaring out ‘I’M ON A BOAT’ on the karaoke machine, until their swaying bodies had tired all the energy out. Jaehyun promptly dumped them both on Johnny’s bed, Sicheng being no help as he side-eyed Jaehyun hauling the two away while he pretended to be passed out on the couch.

He shuts himself outside on the balcony, slumping in a chair with his unfinished beer. Jaehyun looks out at the view from Johnny’s balcony and soaks in all the noise from the never-asleep city.

“How do you make a person get over their first love?”

A beer dangles from Johnny’s fingers as he takes a small glance at Jaehyun, also tired out. “Are you talking about Doyoung?”

An amused grin lingers on Jaehyun’s face as he shakes his head. “I probably shouldn’t ask you.”

As if sensing the unease, Johnny shuffles in his seat, even putting his beer on the floor. “What?”

Jaehyun hides his face into his hands, an empty laugh buried into it. “Isn’t it ridiculous? He just makes me so crazy. I’m finding myself doing things I’ve never done because of him, feelings things I’ve never—” his words are lost along the way, choked up in his throat. Pulling back, he takes several even breaths. “Sorry, is it selfish of me?”

Johnny looks at him and says genuinely, “Jaehyun, you’re never selfish.”

“But this time I want to be.” Jaehyun smiles bitterly. “I was just curious at first, you know? I thought it was so easy to wait, to be patient. I was stupid, because now I want something else that’s not mine.”

Johnny chuckles. “Just because I make it look easy, doesn’t mean it is. Sometimes, when you’re on the outside, they feel so cold, right?” 

He takes a look back through the glass doors and Jaehyun follows. The two forms in Johnny’s bed are slumbering soundly. 

“Hey,” Johnny says suddenly, “remember that voicemail you left me when you were on the train from Doyoung’s hometown? Should I replay it for you?” He fishes his phone out, waving it in the air.

When Jaehyun rode the train back from Doyoung’s hometown, he had to do a lot of thinking, went through all five stages of grief and at one of those points, got insanely mad at Johnny and left some scathing words for him.

“No need,” Jaehyun stops him with one hand. He remembers clearly.

Sometime around eight in the morning, Jaehyun left a voicemail: _“You’re not a dog, Johnny. Don’t you have any self-will? If he leaves you somewhere and tells you to stay, will you do that too until the end of time?”_ And then, ten minutes later, a more brutal truth. _“I take it back. At least dogs whine and bark when their owners leave the house and play with another dog. You haven’t even done that. If you can’t be a dog, you should be more of a human being.”_

The phone slackens in Johnny’s hand and he lets it slide onto his lap. He leans back down into the chair. “Waiting doesn't suit you. So maybe you should be—selfish, I mean.” When Johnny looks at him, he adorns his ever resilient smile. “Do us the favor and do the selfish thing, Jaehyun.”

It’s easy to forget about the quiet one. The one who sits with the crowd and just smiles passively. It is he, who is always quiet, that deserves the most pity. He sees and nods and follows along, but there is no one who notices that he hurts just like everyone else. He who does nothing, but smiles and waits.

This game always needed four people to begin.

JOHNNY

are you busy this weekend?

im free on sunday, why?

i need your help with something

it's for taeyong

That Sunday, Doyoung slides into Johnny’s car with the guilt of a person that’s sneaking off to his mistress behind his wife’s back. There’s no Jaehyun nor Taeyong here to balance the awkwardness Doyoung’s feeling.

“What did you need help with? Picking out a present or something?” It was the only reason Doyoung could think of for why Johnny would need his help.

Johnny just chuckles. “You’ll see.”

Ten minutes later, they arrive at a high-rise and Johnny brings Doyoung up the elevator, standing quietly by his side. The antsy feeling in Doyoung builds up, feeling even _more_ like he’s engaging in some secret sinful affair with Johnny than before. But this isn’t one of Doyoung’s weekend dramas, and Johnny isn’t one of those narcissistic, scheming husbands on the television.

Johnny leads them to a door at the end of the hallway. _1270._ He flips up the keypad and enters the code in, opening the door to the mystery. The inside of the apartment is a white abyss with high ceilings, extensive square feet of uncarpeted floorboards, and completely empty of furnishings. As Doyoung steps further inside with cautious movements, he notices that even though the space is definitely big, the layout just looks like an expansion of Johnny’s bachelor pad.

“What is this?”

“It’s the new place,” Johnny says from behind him.

“Oh, wow.”

Doyoung stands by the floor-to-ceiling windows, overlooking _a lot_ of Seoul. This is quite a view.

“Yeah, but that isn't what I brought you for. Come look.”

Doyoung spins around and sees Johnny waving at him into another room. It’s another room just like the living room they walked into, but this one has curtains already installed onto the windows. There were two thick cream curtains already tied to the sides of the windows and another pair of curtains dropping down from the top, more sheer than the other and allowed the sunlight to flow in without being too blinding.

“This will be Taeyong's studio,” Johnny says with a blinding smile.

 _Oh. This is... oh._ Doyoung keeps his eyes on the curtains as he tries to remember how to breathe normally again.

Johnny’s arms raise up in the air as a gesture of showing the room off. “What do you think?

 _Expensive,_ he thinks. “I think your work must pay pretty well.”

“Well, when wealthy people see something pretty, the last thing on their mind is money,” Johnny comments.

“Yeah, I can tell.”

Considering the amount of gaudy people that are at the exhibitions Taeyong's art is showcased at, Doyoung realized rich people _are_ crazy. And knowing that last summer's photography contest featured Johnny as the highlight, he can tell it’s not just Johnny's folks that are contributing to the new apartment.

“Have you asked him yet?”

“No, of course not,” Johnny says and goes to roll the sheer curtains up before turning to him again, properly peppy. “I wanted to see what you thought of it first.”

“What does it matter what I think?” Doyoung gestures to the extravagant space, the multipurpose curtains, the _wall-to-wall windows,_ all of Seoul is right below them for god's sake. “It speaks for itself.”

Johnny chuckles again and walks up next to Doyoung to observe what he sees. “Location, view, materials, I can provide, of course. I've seen him work for the past year, but... what he looks like in his element, the little annoyances that distract him, the little habits he makes that are bad for him... I can only guess so much.” Johnny’s head dips towards him, hands folded courteously together. “Because you know him best, Doyoung.”

Doyoung looks out the window, winter wonderland in Seoul is majestic from this view, and doesn’t get it. “He would be happy regardless.”

“Who knows,” Johnny hums, “maybe I'll end up using this as a darkroom instead.”

Doyoung doesn't have time to pick the meaning from his words because Johnny claps his hands together and asks him, “Help me pick out some tables and chairs from the catalog. There are so many different heights that I don’t think I could narrow them down by myself.”

Considering Johnny is a film major, he probably has a better grasp at color theory and interior decorating than him, but Doyoung agrees anyway.

Before they leave, Johnny lays out a series of keycards on the kitchen island. They were of different patterns, looking more cartoonish than realistic. Oh, this would be quite a way to ask Taeyong. It's kind of like using a pregnancy test to tell the baby father.

“Which one do you like?”

Doyoung hums and taps on the one that resembled a child's scrabbly drawing of a house repeating several times over the surface in a pattern.

Johnny grins and flips it over to scribble on the back. After he’s done, he pushes the card towards Doyoung. “Here's a keycard with the door code. In case you ever forget, but I doubt you will.”

When Doyoung sees what’s written as the passcode, his chest tightens with a sudden moment of fondness. _960201._ His birthday. He doesn't need this though. It's not him Johnny is surprising.

Doyoung is confused. “Why are you giving this to me?”

“Well if he agrees, this will be Taeyong's home. You'll be welcome here anytime.”

“He'll agree.” It just makes sense.

Johnny only glances at him, a perpetual smile on his face. “I'm not sure about that.”

When Doyoung gets back to his _quaint_ apartment shared with his best friend, he flops head-first into his awaiting bed. He fishes out his accessories, placing them all on his nightstand.

The sight of the keycard lying there aggravates him. It was only a matter of time, Doyoung thinks. He knows this is the next step in their relationship. Logical. Taeyong would say yes.

He shoves the keycard away to raise his phone screen up from underneath it. Briefly, the thought of calling Jaehyun arises. No, that would just be unleashing more junk feelings onto his boyfriend. Jaehyun didn’t deserve that anymore.

Doyoung presses his head to his pillow and muffles a scream into it.

The Han River in winter is really a view you need to see especially from high up. Doyoung gasps at the view from an indoor patio of a restaurant they reserved for his birthday. In the daylight, when the sun is high and peaks through the clouds just enough in February, everything can be seen from the glittering water to the rolling fog. Doyoung likens it to feeling like they’re on a ship, with only glass walls surrounding them and endless stretches of ocean below them.

It’s exactly what Doyoung likes. He gets to see beautiful views of nature in the winter without the cold aching up his bones.

They celebrate with just the four of them, nothing big like a party, because Doyoung would rather have less noise and more quiet.

Almost the entire time, Johnny has his camera out documenting the whole experience. Doyoung’s wide bunny eyes as he steps to their reserved area, Doyoung’s ear-to-ear grin when the birthday cake comes and the other three start singing, everyone’s yelps when the cake goes into faces, and Jaehyun’s favorite scene: after they’ve filled their bellies, Doyoung’s dreamy gaze out to the river for long moments of a time.

Currently, Taeyong and Doyoung are in an argument about whether they should order pudding or ice cream for dessert. Taeyong is for pudding and Doyoung is for ice cream. Johnny says that they won’t be able to fit anymore into their stomachs.

“Says you! I still have plenty of room,” Doyoung counters, patting his belly.

“How about this instead,” Taeyong knocks on the table with the menu, presenting a picture of his selection to them, “gelato.”

Jaehyun snorts. Isn’t that the same as ice cream? Taeyong was just starting the conversation to pick a fight with Doyoung. “You aren’t stubborn like Doyoung, but you sure are consistent,” he comments.

A bunch of napkins fly into his face, making Jaehyun yelp and inadvertently make Doyoung a victim too. He looks at the perpetrator with a stinky eye. “What are you? Twelve?”

Johnny laughs. “I see a kid, I treat them like a kid.”

Jaehyun searches the table and finds stray pieces of napkin thrown at him and bunches it in between his fingers, aiming it at Johnny’s face.

Doyoung tuts, looking at his shirt. “I already cleaned once and now I have to wipe frosting off me again.”

Jaehyun’s laugh echoes up as he watches the two scurry off to the bathroom all the way on the other side of the restaurant.

The quietness Doyoung likes settles in the room, and then, there is only Taeyong and Jaehyun at the table.

As people say, God really is fair. For a while, life is shit, puts you through the wringer, tests you until you’re at the brink of breaking. And then, sometimes, when the time is exactly right, the old man up there will give you an opening.

_What Doyoung would do for Taeyong, Taeyong would also do for Doyoung._

Jaehyun is ready to test it.

He takes a sip of his half-empty coffee and then, puts the cup down gently. “Johnny is going to ask you to move in with him.”

Taeyong’s eyes tear away from the view and towards him. “Oh.”

“I hope you don’t reject him.”

Taeyong’s shoulders melt back into the chair. A gentle smile spreads across his face like he’s placating Jaehyun. “Why would I do that?”

Jaehyun smiles back at him, matching tooth for tooth. “It’s a big step to take.”

“It is...” Taeyong’s eyes wander off behind Jaehyun, “but it makes sense. It’s just about time.”

“Right? I want to ask Doyoung to move in with me too.”

This makes Taeyong’s eyes snap back to him. “You should,” he nods accordingly.

Jaehyun doesn’t even dare blink or take one unsteady breath. Taeyong is truly someone he has never faced before. Just how many words of his were truths and how many of them were lies, who really knew?

“Doyoung would do anything for you.”

An uneasy expression inches across Taeyong’s face. “I know.”

The air prickles between them. Taeyong rearranges his position in his seat, shifting uncomfortably. Jaehyun gazes down and continues to spin the glass cup in his hand, slowly, like their conversation.

“And you would also do anything for Doyoung.”

“Of course, we’re best friends.” Without missing a beat.

Jaehyun chuckles. _Taeyong really is.. sly._ “If you really mean that,” he says along the slide of his fingers, “then you should know what you need to do.”

When there’s no response, Jaehyun lifts his head up to meet Taeyong in the eyes. Trepidation and unease reflects in his already big round eyes, making him look like a bewildered child. Jaehyun finds that laughable.

“I’ve been patient for a long time, _hyung._ You know Doyoung better than anyone. He deserves better than this.”

The fear fades from Taeyong’s eyes as he squares his jaw. He’s finally understanding. “You’re being really brazen for someone younger than me.”

“And I also won’t mention how unfair it is to Johnny.”

This time, Taeyong bares his true face to Jaehyun, blatantly arrogant and only a fine line on his forehead indicates his frustration. Doyoung clearly doesn’t give him enough credit. They’re two sides of the same coin right down to their stubbornness.

The seconds roll by as the two face each other in silence.

Jaehyun lets his cup go with a soft clack against the table. “Let’s save ourselves from all this pain, Taeyong. Let him go.” He catches the subtle movement of Taeyong’s eyes flashing and his jaw clenching.

The atmosphere breaks as Doyoung and Johnny come back through the patio doors, and fresh air is breathed into the room when they take their seats and Johnny starts showing them an embarrassing moment he caught of Doyoung running into a waitress.

“You look like you’re upset over something.”

Johnny’s arms come up to wrap around his waist, his tone light and casual. Taeyong spins and frowns at him, urging them to sit down with his weight. He wiggles a bit on top of Johnny’s lap, considering if he should confide in his boyfriend. Johnny is reasonable. He is like a sturdy tree, Taeyong’s favorite place to rest, to ruminate in quiet without judgement, a place away from the world.

“I think your best friend just,” Taeyong tilts his head to the side, ruminating, “threatened me?”

A piercing laugh rings out, right from Johnny’s gut. “Not bodily harm, I hope.”

Taeyong hits him on the chest. “I’m being serious right now.”

Johnny isn’t the least bit miffed. “What? Was Jaehyunnie rude to you? Did he give you the Talk?”

Taeyong fiddles with Johnny’s shirt collar, mumbling, “Sort of.. he doesn’t want me to break your heart.”

Johnny laughs in great, big huffs, his abdomen caving at Jaehyun’s audacity. The things Jaehyun says is not something one can just imagine.

“Don’t mind his words,” he says. “Jaehyun is a bit of a kid. You know how he’s the only child of two adoring parents and was really idolized in high school, right? With that kind of face, he has never met an opponent he couldn’t beat. If nice words don’t work, he’ll play aggressively. Too bad the person he threatened is just as brave and handsome as him.”

A shyness overcomes Taeyong. “You always say that.”

“Because I mean it,” Johnny grins.

But Taeyong still looks unnerved. Johnny is not like Jaehyun, he doesn't read people as well. But he does know how to smile, how to talk softly, and show that he cares.

So he presses a kiss into the back of Taeyong’s hand in comfort. “What’s on your mind, love?”

Taeyong sighs. “Jaehyun told me that you were going to ask me to move in with you.”

“Ah,” he says, then nods, “yes. I was planning to do that.”

Taeyong’s murmurs become mumbles. “What if I told you I don’t want to?”

“I would wait until you say yes. And if not, maybe I'll just become your next door neighbor,” Johnny jokes. He would revolve around Taeyong and Doyoung if he needed to.

Taeyong strokes a hand down the side of Johnny’s jaw. When Johnny smiles, Taeyong can see it, all the hurt in his face. His patience enduring, his love limitless. No one has ever looked at him like that except Doyoung. Maybe that’s why he fell in love with Johnny, he couldn’t stand seeing a person love him so earnestly and have to hurt him. He already did that once.

“If it makes you unhappy, I won’t ask,” Johnny says gently.

Taeyong shakes his head and just sighs into Johnny’s shoulder as he lays there. “My worst nightmare is coming true.”

With Taeyong, there’s only one thing that can truly scare him. Johnny has learned that he doesn’t deal well with being ostracized, with being pointed-out, and more than people’s eyes on him, he hates when people turn their backs toward him. What else would his greatest fear be other than being shunned by Doyoung?

“Doyoung won’t be mad at you. He’d sooner hurt himself than hurt you.”

“I know,” Taeyong murmurs.

What a futile venture Jaehyun tried. A kid. Yes, Johnny is right. He can only be a kid since he acted so reckless and brave.

How Taeyong wishes he could’ve been like that for Doyoung, many years ago.

Taeyong calls Jaehyun that night. They make a promise.

_Be everything for Doyoung that I couldn’t be._

This afternoon, Taeyong has been in the kitchen longer than usual. He arranges their utensil cabinet and then rearranges it again after fussing with the plates. It’s the usual clean up Taeyong likes to do, but Doyoung notices that he’s fretting a lot more about the positions, which Doyoung doesn’t think he actually cares that much about.

“Why don’t you just sit down and spill your troubles instead of tiring yourself out,” Doyoung calls from the couch half-jokingly.

There are a couple more persistent clanging sounds before it eventually slows. With a sigh, Taeyong wipes his hands down and shuffles into the living room meekly. He takes a seat on the arm of the couch, knees splayed in front of Doyoung.

“Johnny asked me to move in with him,” he eventually says.

“Ah.” _There it is._ “So you’re planning on taking half of the dishes with you?” Doyoung jests and tries not to let disappointment screw up his face.

Taeyong fiddles with the drawstrings of his sweats. “I don’t want to leave you alone.”

 _What?_ Doyoung’s expression freezes. It feels like ice was just poured over his shoulders. “Don’t tell me,” he finds himself half-jumping up from the couch, “you’re not planning on rejecting him, right? You can’t do that.”

Taeyong shakes his head. “No, I wouldn’t,” he says, very quietly.

“Of course not,” Doyoung exhales. That would break Johnny’s heart and Taeyong would never do that.

For a moment, as Taeyong’s stern brows furrows, he contemplates something. “You know, on your birthday, I realized something. I think that Jaehyun really might be _the one_ for you.”

Doyoung knows Taeyong like the back of his hand. He can feel his unease from a mile away, and sometimes, it’s contagious. He rests his arm on the side of the sofa, bracing for something. “I mean I like him too, but why so suddenly?”

Taeyong takes a deep breath and slides fully onto the couch with his knees tucked under him. “Do you know that you’re the only one in the world who truly understands me? No matter how enduring and considerate Johnny is, he’s not my soulmate. You are, Doyoung.” His knees clack together as Doyoung watches with a throbbing chest as his form hunches inward into himself. “I told you I was scared. Ever since middle school, I’ve always wondered when you would realize what the world had to offer and run off and leave me alone.”

“I wouldn’t,” Doyoung cuts in, quick to reassure him. “I still haven’t.”

Taeyong's voice lessens into a quivering whisper like a frightened animal, “I know that now but... back then, _that night,”_ and that’s when Doyoung’s breath hitches because Taeyong is telling him _he knows,_ “I was scared, Doie. I couldn’t look further, because I was scared to lose you. I’m sorry.”

“What’s the use of saying this now?” Doyoung rasps out.

“Because it’s important,” Taeyong says directly, “Because you should know that it wasn’t your fault. It was mine.”

Doyoung feels a tear fall and laughs, because when did that happen? He had thought all the ache had gone away, but really, it was just buried deep inside. Now he gets it, a tale as old as time, two people who would never know what might have been because they were too scared. Just like he almost did to Jaehyun.

“You didn't know. We were just teenagers then.”

“Right,” Taeyong sighs. “I thought we would have plenty of time—that _I_ had plenty of time to figure it out. But time passed and before I could change myself.. Johnny came and it was just—so easy. I never thought someone could ever learn to love me, to wait for me, like you do. So you have to know,” he reaches out for Doyoung’s hand across the polyester fabric, “it wasn’t that I didn’t love you, I did. But now...”

“..now you have Johnny,” Doyoung understands, and it’s like the chains that had been suffocating his insides for so long have all fallen away, “and I have Jaehyun.”

Taeyong looks at him, eyes glittering and nose rosy. “You’ll always be the other half of my soul, but Jaehyun’s your heart. If the heart stops beating, the soul can still live on, but that doesn't make it hurt any less.”

Doyoung laughs at the philosophical spiel and wipes his tears away.

Taryong smiles softly. “It’s not easy for someone to come into our lives and fall in love without reason. So I don’t want to take that away from you.”

The way Taeyong looks now is the same as when he made the promise with Doyoung at the lake, _we’ll grow old together._ They’re forever. But Jaehyun might not be. Taeyong’s fingertips that have always been perpetually cold are warm against Doyoung’s touch.

Doyoung knows. If Taeyong decided that he wasn’t going to move in with Johnny, Doyoung would be content to stay by his side forever. But there’s a part of the world that’s waiting, a part that includes Jaehyun that Taeyong doesn’t want to deprive Doyoung of, so now he’s letting go. For them both.

Doyoung reciprocates and squeezes his knobby fingers against Taeyong’s smaller ones.

Maybe this is the way things were meant to be all along.

Once, Jaehyun and Doyoung had watched a film about two people, grey-haired and past their prime, who reminisce over the time they had in their youth.

“We're like that,” Jaehyun said from the couch, watching the projector. “From the first time I saw you, I knew you were a person I would never forget. And I was right,” he said with a genuine smile. “Even if we part, maybe we'll be like them.. somewhere down the road, no matter how many years pass, we'll come back to each other.”

He didn’t have anything to hold on to and stumbled blindly into the dark. But still, Jaehyun was confident. He took the risks that both Doyoung and Taeyong, the two people most suited for each other, never took for each other.

Jaheyun just _believed._

Jaehyun has had a few beers, but Doyoung _knows_ he isn’t drunk. He’d have to fill the table with empty bottles to blackout, but he is especially clingy today. The rest of the guys ogle and holler at them as they stumble into the taxi. Doyoung is worried that Jaehyun might trip and hit his head on the curb of the sidewalk with how he’s draping himself all over Doyoung.

“Jaehyun,” he hisses and stuffs him into the seat. “I know you’re not drunk so stop acting so stupid.”

Jaehyun chuckles airily and puts his head out the window after it’s already moving. “Bye guys! Don’t get arrested for public indecency!” he hollers to their friends who just scream back at him.

“ _You_ don’t get arrested for public indecency!”

“Have fun with Doie, birthday boy!”

Jaehyun flops back into the seat, cushioned by Doyoung’s shoulder and murmurs, “Best birthday ever. Thanks for spending it with me, hyung.”

Doyoung tries to not let his heart go into mush, but these days he’s been a bit soft. “I’m your boyfriend, of course I’d be at your birthday party.”

The laughs Jaehyun lets out get muffled into Doyoung’s jacket. “Mm, but you’d never party for five hours straight. That’s just too much for you.”

“Half of that was just the festival. It wasn’t five hours long.” At least, Doyoung doesn’t think it felt that long to him. Time always feels like nothing when it’s with Jaehyun.

Thankfully, they get back safe and sound to Jaehyun’s apartment with no one’s skulls splattering onto the sidewalk. The first thing Jaehyun does is kick off his shoes and fling his jacket onto the couch. He doesn’t even bother turning on all the lights, just the one in the living room.

“Home sweet home,” he says and wraps his arms around Doyoung, squishing him against the wall when he just barely stripped his coat off.

“Uh,” Doyoung says, hands hovering over Jaehyun’s back when they stand there for a good thirty seconds and nothing happens. Jaehyun just continues... holding him. “Are we going to bed or..?”

“Bed?” Jaehyun hums and presses his lips against Doyoung’s temple. “It’s not even midnight yet, _but_ I do want to go to bed with you,” he says hoarsely.

“You still have energy?” Doyoung is really amazed.

Jaehyun leans away from Doyoung for a second, staring deep into his eyes. “My mind is wide awake, hyung. I want to collect my birthday present.”

Doyoung swallows harshly. Jaehyun is dangerous when he starts getting ideas. “I already gave you a birthday present,” he says and pulls Jaehyun’s wrist up to shake it. The thin silver bracelet there jangles.

Jaehyun smirks. “I want my other birthday present.” He captures Doyoung’s lips into a kiss, knocking Doyoung’s head back with force. Then, Doyoung is being picked up by the thighs, barely able to protest because he’d already used a large amount of his energy today, and is taken up the stairs. “If you want to be a pillow princess today, I don’t mind,” Jaehyun says all the way up the stairs.

“I’m not playing pillow princess,” Doyoung utters and is promptly thrown onto Jaehyun’s bed.

Doyoung is seriously considering whether Jaehyun is an animal or not while Jaehyun strips himself of his shirt with one clean swipe behind his head and is already unbuckling his pants. The sight of Jaehyun’s underwear peeking out from underneath his pants brings tingles down to Doyoung’s toes. _He wants._

He admits he kind of has a weakness when he sees Jaehyun undressed. It’s like an instant reminder for his body as if it can already feel the pleasure that Jaehyun has wrecked onto his body every single time.

Doyoung wastes no time to palm against the outline in Jaehyun’s boxers. Jaehyun bucks against his hand and moans so dirtily, another wave of anticipation washes down him. He wants to suck him off, but maybe another day, he thinks.

“Get the lube, Jaehyun.”

Jaehyun scrambles to his nightstand and Doyoung chucks his shirt and his jeans off, scooting back onto the bed. He’s already throbbing in anticipation, legs splayed, when Jaehyun kneels in front of him and rubs his fingertip against the pucker there.

“Don’t tease,” Doyoung moans out.

“Eager,” Jaehyun bites back and pushes a finger in, knuckle-deep.

It goes in a bit too smoothly, embarrassing Doyoung at how accustomed he is to this. He doesn’t make any sounds of protest, so Jaehyun continues with two fingers, twisting them at an angle. Doyoung’s mouth drops open with a soft _‘ah’_ and his stomach clenches. Jaehyun’s fingers are a bit like his, knobby and lean, so Doyoung can feel every ridge brush against his walls as Jaehyun stretches him.

“ _Mm-_ more,” he pants and one of his hands clutch onto Jaehyun’s thigh, pulling him closer, as he places his other hand on top of Jaehyun’s, the one that’s jerking inside of him. Doyoung slips his middle finger alongside one of Jaehyun’s. Every movement that Jaehyun makes is one that Doyoung follows.

They meet in an open-mouthed kiss as Jaehyun slides an arm past Doyoung’s side and under him, pressing their chests together to get closer. Their skin contact makes Doyoung burn. He can feel Jaehyun’s hardness resting against his thigh. _He_ made Jaehyun like this.

Doyoung pulls back, spit dripping between their lips, blushing at how their fingers come out with a squelch. He’s surprised when his voice comes out hoarse, “Okay, birthday boy. How do you want me?”

“Ah,” Jaehyun says and Doyoung watches the slight flush of his ear turn red. “Can you..” he mumbles, blush fading down into his neck, “on your stomach..?”

Oh, so that’s how he wants it. Simple, Doyoung thinks, and flips over, flopping onto the sheets stomach first. He arches just slightly and raises his ass up in show. Flippantly, Doyoung throws his head back towards Jaehyun, asking, “Like this?”

Seeing Jaehyun get flustered is so rare that Doyoung must cherish every opportunity. He’s good at riling Doyoung up, but seldom does he ask Doyoung to fulfill his sexual requests. Strangely, he is like a fumbling teenager when it comes to asking.

Jaehyun’s poor lower lip gets torn into as he stares back at Doyoung’s provocative position.

“Well?” For more torment, Doyoung even wiggles his ass some more.

Jaehyun gulps and slides his boxers off with a bit of trouble. Jaehyun is so hard the head of his cock gets caught momentarily on the fabric. He has to grab at the base of his dick to calm down some. Doyoung grins, ear-to-ear in gratification.

Jaehyun’s fingers trail from the tip of Doyoung’s tailbone down the dip of his spine, fingers ghosting against his skin, until he sprawls his palm flushed on the middle of his back.

When he sees Jaehyun’s hand searching for the displaced condoms, sitting on the side of the bed, Doyoung cuts him off. “No need,” he says, speeding through his words. “I’ll just clean it out after.”

Jaehyun gives him a sort of wide-eyed look and his hands retreat. “Do you live to drive me crazy, Kim Doyoung?” he groans out, sounding all kinds of wrecked.

Doyoung flushes. “Are you gonna put it in me or n—” his breath gets choked up in his throat because Jaehyun is sinking in, stretching him thin until Jaehyun’s hip bones meet the back of his ass. His knees are buckling because taking Jaehyun has never been _easy._ Especially not like this, where he is in the perfect position to just _take—_ and take, Jaehyun does.

Jaehyun pulls almost all the way out, Doyoung can feel how the bulged head catched onto his rim, and promptly slams back in. Doyoung’s lungs are all hollowed out as he falls limply onto the bed with only Jaehyun’s hands holding his hips up. So full. There’s no way to describe the singing pleasure he feels when Jaehyun’s cock spears inside him and he can almost count the inches all the way to his stomach.

“Fuck,” Jaehyun grunts, and then again, “ _fuck,_ ” he says for every time he thrusts inside.

It’s so crass and suiting because Jaehyun drives into him with abandon, making Doyoung’s insides clench and unclench, his head spinning that he’s not even aware of the sounds he’s making.

Until Jaehyun’s back presses down onto him, sliding his head next to him and grunts out, “You’re being sort of loud, baby. Does it feel that good?”

A sort of snap occurs in his head as Doyoung realizes he’s letting out these short, high-pitched squeals each time the head of Jaehyun’s cock hits against him. Normally, he’s not the noisy one. All the panting and groaning that happens is usually Jaehyun.

Suddenly, Jaehyun stops slamming into him, choosing to roll his hips down instead. He’s got Doyoung squished between the mattress and himself. It gives Doyoung even less breathing room because of the constant pressure against his prostate.

“Why are you slowing down?” he gasps out.

“I have high ceilings,” Jaehyun breathes out. “The neighbors might not be happy.”

Bullshit. He knows how Doyoung gets when Jaehyun spends his leisurely time just touching him in all his sensitive places.

“Why?” Jaehyun asks and slips a leg between Doyoung’s, hitching Doyoung’s knee up and makes him spread out even more. “You don’t like this?”

 _Oh, this is worse._ There’s no space between their bodies at all as Jaehyun has Doyoung completely wrapped in his hold. He drops wet kisses on cheek, mouth, down the length of his neck, nape, back, anywhere Jaehyun’s mouth can reach in this position. The touch doesn’t match. It’s too.. _soft._

Doyoung’s brain can’t catch up between the blooming in his lungs and the hot, dark prickling in his veins.

As Jaehyun’s hips just rock into him, the entire length of Jaehyun’s cock is just grating at his insides. Jaehyun pants, heavy and consistent against his ear, making him fuzzy in the head and tingling all over. He can feel every single vein throbbing against his walls, making him shake from his shoulders to his toes.

This is slow, deliberate torture.

“Can’t,” he wheezes. Doyoung’s moans come out in a sort of half-sob, half breathless whines. “ _Ah,_ Jaehyun, I can’t.”

His head is matted in sweat and his back also feels wet, from him or from Jaehyun pushing down on him, he doesn’t know. He doesn’t know anything right now.

“Just a little more. Can you take a little more for me, Doie?”

“Uh, uhn, yes, _mm—_ please,” is all Doyoung can manage.

Jaehyun picks himself up with his knees, pistoning into Doyoung with more urgency. Doyoung can be sure if it’s him undulating or the mattress undulating as his body moves closer to the headboard. Precum drips incessantly from his cock, making Jaehyun’s sheets a mess, his hips a mess. Doyoung can’t stop chasing that pleasurable spark as he cants his hips into Jaehyun’s mattress for more friction. He reaches a hand up, sliding his fingers through Jaehyun’s hair, and drags Jaehyun down to face him _._

Jaehyun lets out a guttural moan and turns his head to the side, panting into Doyoung’s open mouth.

“Love you,” he says.

And, ah, fuck, that’s so fucking cliche, Doyoung lets out a cry, feeling something erupt inside him. He takes a fistful of Jaehyun’s hair and _pulls._

“Jaehy- ‘m coming—”

There’s nothing but spots of white as every muscle in his body clamps up, his back arches in blinding pain and cum keeps gushing out of him, smearing the sheets and his stomach, and then everything goes black for a long while.

He can’t see clearly but he still hears Jaehyun repeat, “Doyoung, ah, baby, _baby,_ ” over and over until he feels the wetness inside him and the piercing feeling of teeth nicking him under his ear.

The vulgar squelching of Jaehyun’s softening cock grinding inside him grows louder, and it becomes more suffocating with Jaehyun half-slumped over him. Even after the throbbing above him stops, Jaehyun’s hips still makes lazy circles against his ass.

“ _‘nough,_ ” he mumbles, swatting at Jaehyun behind him.

“Hm?” Jaehyun makes a sluggish noise, then the movement halts. “Ah,” he says and carefully pulls out, still stretching Doyoung’s rim, with an obscene pop. The mattress dips as Jaehyun drops down next to him.

Doyoung doesn’t think he can move any of his limbs right now. He feels like he’s become liquefied and can only focus on catching his breath. He hasn’t even been with Jaehyun for a whole year, though they’re close to it now, and never had he thought that the sex could get better, but apparently—it could.

If it’s like this now, then later on, will the feeling just keep escalating? What a scary thought. Jaehyun already has him all kinds of messed up.

Staring off to a corner of Jaehyun's room, Doyoung says, “I think your closet is too small. Buy a bigger one,” with his face still squished against the sheets.

Jaehyun grumbles, words slurring, “What are you talking about?”

“My clothes won’t fit in there.”

“Hm?” Jaehyun replays Doyoung’s words in his head, _“—huh?”_ He practically jumps out of bed as it registers and leans over to face Doyoung with incredulity. “What did you just say?”

Doyoung huffs, only craning his head up. “My clothes. Won’t fit. In there.”

“What are you saying, hyung? Be more clear.”

A lazy grin gradually works its way onto Doyoung’s face. “Your second birthday present. I want to move in with you, or you could move in with me since Taeyong’s moving out, but I don’t think your lifestyle—”

Jaehyun lunges for Doyoung, crushing him in a hug, and then smothers him in kisses everywhere on his face. “Thank you, this is the best present ever, I love you, I love you—”

“Okay, okay,” Doyoung urges Jaehyun away with a push of his arm. “Can you please calm down? I can’t feel any part of my body right now.”

“Sorry,” he says. But Jaehyun is not sorry. He’s not sorry at all. It’s prevalent in the grin he wears, so blinding and blissed out. He then swoops down, nuzzling up into Doyoung’s neck, and murmurs, “Best birthday ever.”

Doyoung chuckles. “Happy birthday, Jaehyun-ah, and... I love you too.”

Taeyong sighs. He twists his neck from one shoulder to the other, trying to get his muscles to loosen up.

Their paints had long been abandoned, shoved to the side as Doyoung called for a break from decorating Taeyong’s studio. He opened up the curtains and they both laid on their stomachs, noses to the glass, looking down at the little people, how the buildings and shops seem like miniscule doll structures.

It feels like peering into a wide, panoramic snow globe.

“What are my boys doing?” from behind them, Johnny’s head is peeking in with a grin on his face. He sways over and plops himself next to Taeyong, planking on the floor just like them.

“Who’s one of your boys?” Doyoung utters, rolling his eyes playfully.

He grunts as Johnny reaches his tree-length arm over Taeyong and on him so that he could scoop the two of them into his embrace. “If you’re Taeyong’s boy, then aren’t you one of mine too?” Johnny states.

They’re still hugging on the floor, and it’s not exactly the most comfortable position, mind you. Taeyong giggles regardless. Doyoung can’t help as the corner of his lips inch upwards. He’ll deny it through and through though.

Footsteps pad up to them.

“Why are you having a group hug without me?” Jaehyun’s voice hovers over them.

“This is not a group hug!” Doyoung refutes in the hold, but he can’t stop Jaehyun from laying himself on top of the trio, and only makes wheezing sounds after the weight of Jaehyun’s body covers them.

“Cozy,” Jaehyun sighs.

“Can we please go back to looking out the window?”

Everyone laughs.

Outside, the snow really begins to pile up.

They all line up, four of them, laying on Johnny’s hardwood floors in Taeyong’s studio to observe winter wonderland in Seoul. Winter this year is so warm, Doyoung thinks, warmer than any winter he’s had in his twenty years of living. He sighs, laying his head onto Jaehyun’s shoulder, and on his other side, Taeyong entwines his pinky finger with Doyoung’s.

Jaehyun is right. It is cozy.

He wants this moment to last forever. Doyoung closes his eyes to enshrine it into his memory: the feeling of comfort, like being swaddled by a soft blanket, cold fingertips warming against his, and the faint scent of cologne, like amber spice being washed over by fresh sea.

 _Ah,_ Doyoung thinks, _this is the scent of being loved._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now that you've finished all of this, clap for yourself!! **if you've enjoyed, please leave some love, kudos and comment <3**
> 
> further notes and a deconstruction [here](https://twitter.com/luvescene/status/1295250207605583872?s=19)!
> 
> thank you to everyone who supported this fic and the journey of saccharine's dojae finding love! i didn't anticipate to have so many people loving this fic so much. as always... i started writing for porn and it became a monster. there are still some things i'm unsatisfied with but i'll just let them be ^^ seeing everyone cheering on (and booing) the four characters on twitter and in the comments gave me a lot of joy. i hope all your hurt is soothed with this ending, and see you in the next fic !!
> 
> [the playlist !!](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4M6s2YryEbMxxtBcvsZeLN?si=sG2KgeViS8qgE5LwvltBNA)  
> questions and ravings, all welcome here: [cc](https://curiouscat.me/iridesense) / [twt](https://twitter.com/iridesense_)


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